Malibu Express

Wow, I honestly never thought I'd be writing like this, but ... After seeing "Malibu Express", I've seen enough big naked breasts to last me a couple of months! There were boobs - big ones - everywhere! This entire film feels like a promotional campaign to sell subscriptions to Playboy Magazine. I never heard of writer/director Andy Sidaris before, but I'll definitely be seeking out the rest of his repertoire now. What a pleasantly deranged old pervert he must have been.

Regarding "Malibu Express", I haven't yet figured out how to rate it. This is either a brilliant and deliberately tongue-in-cheek parody of typically 80s P. I. movies and TV-series, or a hopelessly inept but genuine attempt to make one. With all do respect, but to be brutally honest, I really doubt Andy Sidaris is intelligent enough to come up with such an effectively biting satire, so why don't we just label it a lucky shot or a "so bad it's good" classic.

The plot is of minor importance, obviously, but the lead hero Cody Abilene is a wonderful character. He's a clueless P. I. who can't properly shoot his firearm, but thanks to his impressive moustache, muscular torso and dimwit macho charm, all women literally throw themselves bare-chested at his feet. Abilene lives on a boat with an entrance gate, the titular "Malibu Express, and drives around in red DeLorean. Whenever he's not being assaulted by half-naked babes or illegally street-racing with a family of hillbillies, Abilene infiltrates into a rich family full of adulterous people, in order to find out who leaks government information to the Russians. "Malibu Express" is often genuinely funny, the finale is unexpectedly clever (with echoes of Agatha Christie) and the women in the cast are just indescribably gorgeous! Sybil Danning is the most famous, of course, but many others are equally breathtaking: Kimberly McArthur, Lynda Wiesmeier, Barbara Edwards, Lori Sutton, Lorraine Michaels, Suzanne Regard, and even that odd-looking Robyn Hilton.

Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton) is a private eye (living on a huge yacht!) hired to watch over a rich family whose members get involved in cases of blackmail, espionage and murder. The movie uses the typical genre ingredients from the smart-ass off-monologue (explaining the detective's thoughts on the case and clues) to the irresistible femme fatale (Sybil Danning) he meets during his investigations. Because "Malibu Express" has a male hero, it is not completely in line with the 11 following movies about lethal ladies which Andy Sidaris wrote, directed and/or produced until 1998 (read on, I reviewed them all). It was rather "Hard Ticket To Hawaii" which perfected the formula of a typical Sidaris movie. Nonetheless: "Malibu Express" has a lot of scantily clad ladies along the way, is constantly moving at full speed and packed with comedy situations, sometimes as ludicrous as a Russ Meyer movie. I loved the scene when Cody tries to impress two baddies with his muscles - but all of a sudden finds out they are much more muscular than himself... or the girl (Lynda Wiesmeier) trying to make love in a racing car in the middle of a dangerous chase! Oh yes, and „Malibu Express" is "so 80s" with its "make my day" mustached tough guy!

Hinton is charmingly alluring; the plot is inconsequential.

From his cute days as Daniel Boone's son he has developed into a very handsome man - and you see "most" of him in this soft core flick along with costar Brent Clark who has a HOT shower scene. Actually Darby's most fleshy scene is also in the shower (great ass but no frontal male nudity in this film). Pool views of his torso, however, are definitely eye-candy. There is also a lot of attractive female skin for those who seek it, but not to the point that this is exclusively a "guy flick."

Most of the characters are played with the same underdevelopment as they were written. Don't look for literature or drama here. But if you want light, frothy, sexual titillation... you've found it.

This is what the "Dukes Of Hazzard" would be like if it was geared to adults! Cody Abilene, a man who can't shoot straight with a gun, but can with a...well, you know, is a P.I. trying to solve a crime involving a rich family being bilked out of its cash. This one has it all, gorgeous babes, graphic violence, great sex scenes (for 1985), a good plot, and a hilarious sub-plot involving The Hogg family's cousins, The Buffingtons. A Russ Meyer film made for the 1980's by Andy Sidaris, and a memorable one. The best scene is when Cody needs to find a new car to replace the one he lost, and he goes to a used car lot owned by a woman who recognizes who he is, and when he request to buy a car, the lady starts to seduce him; and later, when he leaves, he says (in a first person voiceover, that he was raped!). Good stuff.

My review was written in August 1985 after watching the film on MCA Home Video cassette.

"Malibu Express" is a pleasant though underachieving throwback to the naughty but nice, lightweight entertainment that used to flourish on the drive-in circuit. Made by ABC Sports director-cum-filmmaker Andy Sidaris, pic is similar to but less fun than Sidaris' 1979 William Smith-starrer "Seven", made for Melvin Simon Productions and American International Pictures. "Malibu" was backed by The Playboy Channel (and features a song plugging Playboy as well as four former Playmates in the cast), but was self-distributed regionally last May ahead of its current home video release.

Darby Hinton toplines as country boy private eye Cody Abilene who, along with glamorous Contessa Luciana (Sybil Danning), hired by the government to investigate a Bel Air household suspected of selling U. S. computer secrets to the Russians. Mansion is presided ovr by Lady Lillian Chamberlain (Niki Dantine), an old friend of the Contessa's. Her chauffeur Shane (Brett Clark) is sexually involved with her nephew Stuart (Michael Andrews), her niece Liza (Lorraine Michaels) and Stuart's wife Anita (Shelley Taylor Morgan), and is blackmailing them in order to pay his gambling debts.

Aided by a sexy policewoman Beverly McAfee (Lori Sutton), Abilene uncovers the skullduggery whle working along parallel lines, the Contessa exposes the heavy who is selling computer secrets, Jonathan Harper (Les Steinmetz).

Storyline and minimal action sequences play second fiddle here to an awesome display of undraped chests, with the male cast including Hinton, Clark and a Mr. Arizona (Richard Brose) and Mr. Universe (John Brown) providing not quite equal time in the beefcake department to the dozen or so female pinups. No full-frontal nudity is included, however.

Other than car-racing scenes, director Sidaris is niggardly in the action department, a major detraction. Comic relief is weak, particularly the pointless interludes of the oddball Buffington family challenging Abilene to drag race in his red De Lorean and other vehicles.

Hinton is personable as a blond Sam Elliott-type in the lead and Danning is her most beautiful in a variety of revealing costumes. No one should mind that the supporting cast is mainly there for posing rather than acting.