Ninja mortal

For Fans of bad movies, Amazon Prime is a gold mine. The vast majority of the selections go from the ridiculous to the redonkulous, including Bloodlock, Breeders, and Night of the Demon (a personal favorite). I added Lethal Ninja to my watchlist hoping for the David Heavener vehicle featured on Best of the Worst. It wasn't. Oh Lordy it wasn't. I was roughly five minutes into it when I heard my doorbell ring. I thought it was the ringing in my head (watch the movie and you'll understand), but it persisted. I opened the door, and there stood Miss Watson exclaiming "Face it, tiger! You just hit the jackpot." Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh Hell yes! If Amazon Prime is a schlock mine, I just hit the motherlode.

Two "actors" pretending to be Michael Dudikoff and Steve James go to Africa(?) to rescue not-Michael's wife from the clutches of Dr. Evil if he were played by the child of Sigfreid and Roy. Instead of going "plot point" by "plot point", I think I'll just state what the "film" has going for it.

A Fake Nostradamus prophecy about a savior from the east, who comes from the west.

A ninja who feels it necessary to teach people how to breathe. It's difficult, I know.

The most effeminate yet clichéd villain I've ever seen, down to the monocle and black cigarette holder.

The Carousel of Carnage.

A song that reminded my of my acid reflux disease.

The Roller Derby of Death. Should this film ever catch on, this scene will be up there with the popcorn scene in Troll 2 and the horny nurse scene in Samurai Cop. It's that incomprehensible.

A hapless ninja who get belted in the face with the backblast from a rocket launcher. Not intentionally.

The Waterslide of Slaughter.

Acting that can best be described as a cry for help.

So much non-medy that Rich Evans will kill himself.

Lastly, a plot that's harder to follow than Miami Connection.

Lethal Ninja is amazing. I just watched it, and it's already one of my favorite bad movies. I wanted to give it ten stars, but I thought that would be misleading, so it's bottomed out. Just like the alcoholics who made this.

This is the first movie I've seen where Ninjas use rollerskates with blades sticking out of the sides. Where do they sell those things? I want some.

So the movie is pretty bad, yes. Bad enough to be funny? Sure. It's not the best bad movie out there but it does have its moments. One key bad element is the completely unconvincing fighting on display. There are moments where I know I could have done better, and I have no training in the area whatsoever. Particularly bad is the final showdown at the end. I'm not going to ruin it for you by revealing who's fighting who. I will mention that it was one of the crummiest attempts at portraying a fighting move in the history of cinema.

Another reviewer mentioned the bad acting on the part of the woman who portrays the hero's wife. She is the worst actor in the film, but I quite liked her scenes. She managed to deliver each of her lines in such a way that any dramatic tension that could have existed was vanquished. She's fun. Troll II, anyone? She could easily fit in there.

It's not all the fault of bad acting, either. Some of the attempts at buddy-picture humor between the main guy and his kickboxing friend are dead at the script level.

If you like bad movies, go ahead and check this one out. And stay tuned to the end, because immediately before the credits we are treated to stirring orchestral music while we see clips from the film we've just watched followed by the title, LETHAL NINJA. I think they want to you feel like you've just watched an 80-minute epic.

Ross Kettle spends his time doing nothing in particular. His wife, microbiologist Karyn Hill, is in Africa, working with a doctor. The bad guys come up, kill the doctor, and take her captive in their efforts to bring to fruition a Nostradamus predicition that will enable their boss to take over. So Kettle flies to Africa with a friend, and proceed to wander around.

Some ninjas show up around the 40 minute mark -- although they're dressed in brown -- and attempt to take on Our Hero to no avail, since they insist on shouting at him before they attack. There is some location shooting in South Africa, but there is more in Los Angeles Chinatown. Poor acting, poor scripting, but at least the camerawork is adequate. It's just not enough by a long shot.

I believe I understand this movie. The message is:

If you have a problem you only have to wait, to hit the guys who try to kill you with only one beat or turn out the lights with your ninja-sword. ...Am I wrong ?

It is fun and pain to watch the hero of this movie, Ross Kettle (called "Joe" in the film), trying to look cool, pretending to fight with big men, knocking them down after almost no fighting and grabbing bigger men's...you know.

Problem 1: Ross Kettle is no action hero, he was good in "Santa Barbara" (a soap opera) and without him you could forget the movie completely, but he is just not right for the part.

Problem 2: One of the worst actresses I've ever seen: Karyn Hill, who plays Ross Kettle's kidnapped wife. Anyone could have been a better choice. If she was at least naked to convince us with her breasts...

Problem 3: The story...what story ? It would be ridiculous trying to explain what happens. It doesn't matter !

Problem 4: Explosions are nice and good fights are interesting, but is it really necessary to hear a sound like when Batman and Robin of the original Batman-series beat someone up, every time Ross Kettle, the hero (a joke, sorry), is knocking someone down ? Besides, there are no good fights here and explosions look like from a cartoon.

Pretending to be a movie for adults. Not even children would care, or perhaps the little ones !

Silly me, I thought ninjas could fight! Well, not according to this movie: the two leads (who are NOT ninjas) have about as much trouble taking them out as they would have with random people picked from the streets. They are so clueless and out-of-tune with their surroundings, in fact, that you can easily sneak up on them and twist their necks (aren't ninjas usually supposed to be the ones DOING that, instead of having it done TO them?). No wonder the bad guy says at one point "they've made a mockery of my men" - his men are his private ninja army, who are practically good for nothing, except rollerskating! There is one half-decent fight scene somewhere around the middle, against the only ninja who at least tries to put up some sort of fight; the rest of the fights are forgettable, and often poorly edited. The entire film is utterly forgettable, but some of the stunts are worthy of respect, so I'll be generous and give it *1/2 out of 4.