Amelia's Children

How people don't love this film is beyond me.

Because, for a year that saw When Evil Lurks pop off...I just don't understand how this ultra creepy, explosive, darkly magical, wild ride hasn't done the same.

Because it is definitely wild.

The whole thing starts off with a child snatching...that has you questioning the intentions of the snatchers...when you see that they have left the child abandoned on the steps of a church.

At first, you think it has something to do with a cult...and, well...maybe it does in a sense...but not remotely in the way you are led to believe.

Because what ensues delves deep in the taboo, in the way that films like Max Mon Amour, The Baby, and Last Stop On The Night Train have in the past...in that they exploit dark and bizarre fetishes that some people clearly can't handle engaging with.

With the plot of this film revolving around mother-son incest.

In a way, you can't help but think about it's affinity with Barbarian...though, in reality, it is a different sort of animal entirely.

Whose truth is unlocked via an engagement with the obsessive art of Spanish painter Francisco De Goya.

Who is considered to be the "Last of the Old Masters, and First of the Moderns"...which, one might argue, acts as a metaphor for this film as a whole.

As we watch the "stolen son" track down his long lost family, in Portugal, after having been raised as an adoptee in America.

He travels, with his girlfriend, to the stately mansion of his forebearers, to meet his aging mother, and the brother he never knew.

Only for things to get, well...quickly weird...to say the least.

As he gets, unwillingly, sucked into a world he never wished for.

While his girlfriend tries to help them escape from a situation she senses isn't quite "right".

With, what ensues being as weird, creepy, and explosive as you could want in a slow burn horror film.

I don't want to give too much away here...because...unlocking it's secrets, yourself, is half the fun!

But I assure you, you won't be disappointed.

That is, unless you have an aversion to the taboo.

But then...why are you even watching horror movies, anyways!?

This is such an underrated film.

And certainly one of the best horror films that 2023 had to offer.

8 out of 10.

=== Disclaimer! This is not a serious review. ===

Watched purely because crushing on Carloto Cotta :- )

Well, the wig and the w__ker hipster accent was quite funny. A lot of things seemed funny but I genuinely couldn't tell you where to draw the line on how much of it was intentional. I'm also easily scared so all in all, I was watching it like, okay, this is ridiculous but scary.

So the premise that it can be um.. tricky to get on with your family is nothing new - I do indeed have relatives, duh. But the film offered me another perspective: dealing not only with my own family but the family of my (hypothetical) partner. Currently single, I sometimes imagine what it'd be like in a new relationship. You know, you get a nice boyfriend (not with *that* accent but anyway). And he's good-looking, of Portuguese descent, and everything's fine but then, his weird bloody relatives enter the stage... And there you are, complaining to your friend on the phone how you're having trouble cos' they have too much influence over him, etc, etc. Say what you want, that IS scary to me!

Overall, if you don't take it too seriously it's a fun film for a one-time watch. Consider it a horror with the elements of comedy.

P. S. The accent is not real, as in they used a voice-over actor for it. And somehow the thought that my fave Carloto couldn't physically sound like that gives me comfort <3.

No pun intended - and not even close to the "not without my daughter" I am riffing off. This is quite different from that - I mean this is a horror movie, so you got a major difference already! That said - let's focus on what the movie is actually about: family, aging, death and legacy. The movie made me think - about a possible future about the unstoppable ... row of time.

Not really a feel good sentimentality I am putting out there. But it is what it is - which is also true about the story the movie offers - as in predictable! I don't even think you have to have watched many movies to get where this is going.

The characters seem to need a bit longer to get the obvious I reckon. One of the actors doing double duty (well actually the mother in a way too, but differently, as in being only one character) ... and the one character he is playing is quite out there .... the main characters make fun of him - but not sure that is enough to make away the cringe you may feel.

A few good shockers, a few completely unnecessary scenes (a signing that really has no merit and no excuse being in the movie - unless there is some deleted footage that would tie or explain its existence) ... overall it does have the right themes and might give you a horrible feeling ... just maybe not the one you were looking for ...

For some reason, I was really excited to see this, even though I had no idea what the movie was about going into it. We follow Edward, who is searching for his biological family in Portugal. Along with him is his girlfriend, Riley, and soon they arrive at Edward's long-lost mother Amelia's villa. While Edward seems to adjust to his new family, Riley starts noticing questionable things and begins digging deeper into Amelia's history.

The movie has a rather simple setup, and it chooses to stick to that path. There are no real surprises, as it's clear early on that either something is wrong with Amelia, or Riley is worrying for no reason at all. The narrative just drags on, and while the production value looks solid and the movie looks fine in a technical sense, it's simply dull. If you're a seasoned horror fan, you've likely seen movies like this a hundred times. This one doesn't do much to stand out in the pile of average horror films, which is disappointing because I was expecting more.

There's not much else to say, except that the result turned out average at best. While it's not a complete disaster, you could easily skip this one. [4.8/10]

I mean, what can I even say about this movie that I absolutely despised? Can I talk about the good elements of it, the parts I enjoyed, the parts that worked to create an interesting narrative? I wish I could, but I honestly can't think of a single redeemable quality in this entire film. The characters were unlikable, the story wanted to be grotesque but wouldn't show you anything to actually induce fear, and even the cinematography was basic and had no passion. The times the movie wanted to be creepy were so few and far between, that the only thing that ended up being truly nightmare inducing was Amelia's face after years of cosmetic surgery.

It's truly incredible how you have a movie about a witch that has children with her own sons and then eats them to regain her youth, a horrifying premise in and of itself, and you end up making the most mundane and least scary movie possible. I just don't understand how this even happened. It's like the creative team read the premise and then decided to not ruffle any feathers, not offend anyone, and not really create anything truly horrific, instead opting to alude to the witch and use dream sequences to sometimes show what she does, but never having the cojones to actually do it.

This is the worst kind of horror movie to me. A movie that uses a great premise but ends up yielding a tame, inoffensive movie where nothing really scary happens, everything is suggested and not actually shown, and the conclusion ties nothing together, leaving the viewer to wonder why he even wasted and hour and a half of his life on this movie. I really wish I would have read reviews for this film beforehand, as I would have wanted to be warned before investing my precious time on a film that wouldn't enrich my life in any way.

This is why I'm writing this review, to save as many of you from watching this movie as possible. Do not make the same mistake as I did, as life is way too short to spend it watching these types of movies that contribute nothing of value to your life. Read a book, take a walk, listen to your favorite album on repeat. Anything is preferable to watching this film.