Swim

A family travel to a dream (nightmare) holiday shack, and get stalked by a psychotic shark.

If you're having a couple of large vodkas, you may just find this amusing enough, you know it's doing to be shocking, it's genuinely worse than that, it's terrible.

The shark itself is an amusing chap, and those CGI special effects belong in the late 1990's.

It is one of those that's so awful, that in a cringey way you will want to watch it, for a morbid curiosity.

Some rudimentary basics are a little confused here, including the ages of the main characters, the mother is to young, and the doddery old father is hilarious, a shame they didn't give him an ear trumpet and a paisley blanket.

When the daughter is screaming our the word shark, nobody else is remotely bothered, the mother is more concerned with her parcel, it's hilarious.

Some of the acting, it's what I can only describe as porn movie acting, personified beautifully by the dishy Mr Randolph, all he needed was a boiler suit.

Jaws fans, do not watch it, you'll weep.

2/10.

So I am very stoned rite now and I still have NO CLUE how this was ever made. The last 30 mins is definitely a treat!

The mother looked way too young. The kids look like they're pushing 25.

Well, just when the Sy Fy (hate that abbreviation) channel stopped showing and funding these identical and usually terrible monster movies it seems Tubi will take up that awful baton and beat you in the head with it.

This is a real shame as Tubi is one of the best streaming services out there with a wide diverse collection of movies old and new to watch, so when they started doing their own films I had hopes, all of those dashed by this.

This "movie" is from the same folks who made them for Sy Fy, this time the budget is probably a little lower which may be why Sharknardo director Ferrante is only the writer on this one and they went with Fred Olen Ray impersonator Jared Cohen to direct. You might think I'm using this to insult him but Cohen has actually said he aspires to be Olen Ray, so I guess he's succeeded at failing and doing so as boringly as possible over and over again. This isn't even by the numbers directing as many numbers are missing, the way he shoots scenes is identical from one to the next and key things he should show you he just doesn't. Actors expressions change from shot to shot though they are supposed to happening at the same time, it's just a sloppy careless joyless lifeless thing. Forget about talent there is no skill displayed here and for as many times as Cohen has been making a movie he doesn't seem to know what to do or, even worse, was just getting pay check and rushing off to the nearest bar to try to forget it all.

Most of the blame can be laid on his door as there is never a good angle or performance in the whole thing and some of it barely cuts together, no action scene ever builds any tension or excitement and well, what's left to botch when it doesn't deliver any of that. In fairness the script is bad, kind of a let's take the cheapest scenes from Sharknado and make a whole movie around them, but the performances are just dreadful even given the warmed over leftovers from Sharknado's "serious" or "character" moments.

Ok but how are the CGI sharks? Well there's only one of them and it's better than the worst CGI sharks you've seen, but the kills are ineptly done and there aren't many of them.

Terrible sound job and music but the film doesn't deserve any better.

I think with this movie I'd have to say there are more terrible shark movies than almost any other genre. Sad boring day for tubi fans, I'm sure there is more just like this waiting to darken your life.

Come on guys. This is simply a test of someone's dogged endurance to sit through what must be one of the worst productions I've seen in a long time. There are no spoilers as there are no highlights to reveal. The storm scenes, the treading water then in waist deep water scenes, were enough to do me in. We're at 30min in and even my remote is wanting me to turn this off. Tubi, you then give us a reprieve by going to a commercial break. Not often that one is looking forward to a commercial. Gotta go now. Let me know how it ends. Ah, no don't.