See No Evil

All right, let's be realistic about this. Nobody goes into a movie produced by WWE Films (whose owner has challenged God to a wrestling match), directed by a former porn director (the man gave the world the Between the Cheeks trilogy), starring a wrestler named Kane, and expects a little slice of art on a golden platter. If you do then you probably need to find something other than watching movies to occupy your time.

So what exactly are we to expect from a movie like this? Well, here's what I was looking forward to:

1) Bad acting. 2) A fairly non-existent, clichéd storyline. 3) Kane walking around with a scrunched, sour face that indicates his nostrils just found the potato salad he misplaced a month ago. 4) Tons and tons of gore.

Well, if you're hungry for some "so bad it's funny" entertainment then this might satisfy your appetite because it delivers on all counts.

Obviously, movies like this are best seen for free, but if you do choose to sacrifice box office bucks then have some fun and make a game out of it. The filmmakers are nice enough to introduce us to each of the annoying delinquents by flashing their names and legal offenses on the screen. This makes it easier for you to write down which ones you want to see killed and in what order. You and your friends can see whose predictions are most accurate.

I also suggest that you and your pals write down every single moment of stupidity and inanity that you can find. Tally them up at the end and see who comes up with the most. I think my grand total was 107; can you beat that? I personally want to know how after 35 years and a fire does this abandoned hotel still have electricity, running water, and a working elevator?

I know, I know, the filmmakers are assuming that if you pay to see this then you obviously don't put much thought into what you spend your money on and therefore likely won't put much thought into how silly the movie is, but that doesn't mean we can't point it out and laugh at it.

I also like how the city wants to turn this huge hotel (which would be condemned and recommended for demolition by any sensible inspector) into a homeless shelter and they think the best way to get it cleaned up is to give eight punks a few mops and brooms. Uh-huh.

I think you pretty much know what to expect, but I feel the need to provide you with a couple of warnings. First, if you hate crowd interaction no matter the movie then you might want to stay away. The people in the audience acted like they were at an actual wrestling show. Shouts of "Kill him, Kane!" and "I hope you die first!" and "Chokeslam!" echoed through the theater, showcasing what I hope is NOT the best of what America has to offer. I usually don't appreciate such audience interaction, but for a cheesefest like this I thought the commentary added to the entertainment value. However, I can see how others could be annoyed by it.

Second, and this shouldn't even warrant explanation, the film doesn't shy away from the gore. If watching a big ugly dude rip eyeballs right out of their sockets doesn't scream "fun night at the movies!" for ya then you know good and well to save your dough.

I must say that I was a little surprised by the extreme lack of dialogue on Kane's part. I wasn't expecting him to put on an acting clinic, but I was hoping he'd have some cute little catchphrase like "Say goodnight" (his character's last name is "Goodnight") right before he killed a victim. Instead he uttered four words in the entire film - "Nooooooo!" and "I see it." But hey, he delivered them flawlessly!

If I were a bad guy in a movie then my catchphrase would be something like "Place your BETTS!" or "All BETTS are off!"

It'd rule and you know it. We need a new genre term for bad horror films like See No Evil that induce so much unintentional laughter that you almost have to label them comedic. Feel free to send me your suggestions. For now we'll just call 'em HOR-larious!

This, ladies and gentlemen, is truly a modern B-movie. The dialog is stilted and delivered with wooden rigidity, the premise is predictable (there are a few decent twists) and characters remain 2D for most of it. And yet there is a certain...charm. WWE wrestler Kane brings to life the sick, twisted monster of a man with a lot of pathos (though it is somewhat like his character that he's been playing around ten years) and so I'll find it quite amusing when people say it's "not much of a reach for him," but Glen Jacobs is, apparently, quite the nice guy, so actually it is. In any event, he's cast perfectly as the hulking brute and the deaths are suitably over the top (Jason would be proud), but I heard at least four applause breaks for four different kills scenes. Frankly go into this movie thinking that you'll have some fun and a gorefest, oh it is QUITE the gorefest. The R-rating IS richly deserved and I actually got a little nauseous during some of the more graphic times. In any event, a very, very fun, but fairly bad, movie.

I remember way back when I was a manager at Toys R Us I had to watch this sad, pathetic "Personnel Management" training video. It lectured that whenever you say a criticism, you should ALSO include a compliment. This movie reminded me of that principal.

First off, it's not all that bad, actually. Kane makes a pretty good "Silent Psycho," and the character's back story is decently developed in a series of B&W flashbacks. His POV shots are nicely distorted, and, unlike the vast majority of psycho killers in film today, is not simply an "unstoppable force." Kane actually manages to find a character in there. (A very minimal character, to be sure, but there is a TINY bit there more than just a "Thing-That-Kills-People-For-No-Reason.") On the whole, however, the acting in the film is best described as "not-TOTALY-sucking." (I'm reminded of that Simpsons episode where Groundskeeper Willie sings a song that goes "Wouldn't it be adequate?" Yes, the acting here is, indeed, adequate, but only just. To be fair the actors aren't really being asked to act here, it's enough that they are clichéd stereotypes.)

The art direction is generally good, if very, very derivative of other films like "Hostel" and the "Saw" series. It goes a bit over the top with the filth and grime at times, but for this kind of movie, that isn't really a problem from an aesthetic standpoint. It is a problem from a plot standpoint. The people are there (we learn this in the first 10 minutes, so don't worry, it isn't a spoiler) to do public service by cleaning an old, historic building. Unfortunately, the sheer SCALE of the mess at this building would take that guy from "Dirty Jobs" and a full hazmat crew a month to deal with. The place is practically a toxic waste dump. There are a few problems (which I will NOT detail in the interest of avoiding spoilers) with the set and set dressing that are later revealed as not problems at all, but rather plot points. Those I can forgive.

The film delivers on what it promises: A creepy, disgusting setting with a creepy, violent psycho stalking creepy, dysfunctional people, with absolutely minimal story, plot, acting, direction, sense, or purpose to get in the way. It's almost Ed-Woodian in it's gleeful disregard of knowledge of it's own lack of ambition to greatness. (If I may be allowed to construct a sentence that convoluted without being arrested by the Language Police.)

I had very few expectations from this film (Hell, after all, it IS a WWE film...), and the only thing that really disappointed me is the same thing I am disappointed by in most horror films. It was very, very predictable. At one point I was sitting there going, "...and now someone runs in and saves them," only to be rewarded by just that.

In the end, if you can accept the idea that a correctional institute would send a co-ed group of mixed violent and non-violent offenders to do heavy-duty industrial cleanup in street clothes and sandals for a weekend with only 2 chaperons, then nothing else the film asks you to accept will be much of a problem for you.

The first official release of World Wrestling Entertainment's film division is a pretty basic horror/slasher movie called "See No Evil" starring Kane, one of their big men wrestlers known for having an intimidating presence, hard-hitting moves, and one of the most convoluted backstories in wrestling. And let's not pull any punches here; while this movie is promoted as the greatest horror movie of all time (mostly by WWE), it goes without saying that after having seen this movie, I can confirm it as one of the greatest comedies of all time.

"See No Evil" sees a bunch of juvenile delinquents sent to a hotel so they can clean up. Of course, a monstrous murderer (played by Kane) also happens to be living in this hotel and we all know where that goes. Without giving away too much of the movie plot, this film has all the semblance and structure of an early-1980s slasher flick with most of the clichés intact, but without any of the scares that those films accompany. And that's sort of the main problem with "See No Evil". It tries so many of the tricks implied by its predecessors in the genre that it comes off as predictable; veteran horror fans will easily recognize some of the gimmicks ahead of time and even those who have only seen a few flicks should tell what happens next. It's too generic to be scary.

The movie's gory, no doubt, but it's only there for the effect. The dark atmosphere instilled in the movie gives off that feel of terror initially, but as you get towards the end, it somehow feels out of place and gets tiresome quickly. The death scenes don't come off as gory and horrific as much as they do laughable, although some of them are pretty inventive.

And the acting in this movie is pretty bad too, as the main characters aren't developed enough for us to care when they eventually do get axed. Some can't even portray fear properly; they just scream and cry in a vain effort to emote. So when they die, it only adds to the comedy because you don't care enough about them that you simply consider them the equivalent of Starfleet Redshirts to the monster Kane.

As for Kane, he simply portrayed his movie character the same way he portrays his wrestling character, only he uses axes and hooks instead of hellfire and brimstone. There's no doubt in my mind that Kane can be a great fixture in the horror genre. He has the look and presence for it; he just needs better material (specifically a script that isn't written by someone who writes wrestling shows) to work with.

Now, despite what may seem like a harsh review, I actually enjoyed the film. It's one of those laughably bad movies that you can't help but sit down and enjoy. My main gripe with the film, again, is that it's simply an exercise in filming gory kills and doesn't have any frightening or shock moments. I enjoyed it, but I enjoyed because it was easy for me to laugh off some of what was supposed to be scary moments in the movie. If that happens because it was supposed to be that way, the movie would have been rated higher. But it didn't. It got laughs because it's a B-movie and it doesn't help that the director's previous experiences was porn flicks and music videos; not exactly overcomplicated things to direct anyway. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it tremendously.

If you don't mind a fun B-movie or funny horror film, I'd highly recommend "See No Evil." If you are a true enthusiast of the genre, I'd wait until the DVD comes out before checking it out. Everyone else should probably go watch something else.

Okay, this is a B-Movie, Horror by numbers. The good news is it doesn't try or pretend to be anything else. So it just concentrates on being the best B-Movie, horror by numbers flick it can manage. It succeeded, but as you can tell by the rating, that still doesn't make it a good film.

Okay, so the positives. The acting is pretty reasonable and this lot, including Kane can probably do much better horrors in the future. The special effects, while simply being generic for this day and age were also pretty reasonable. Nothing ground breaking or stand out impressive for either of these. Probably the most notable thing was Kane himself, but it's not a great surprise seeing as his day job is to play a Psycho.

On the downside however the whole plot was so incredibly bog standard you get bored with it early on, stop really caring who's going to live or die and just try and enjoy the visuals. The story naturally revolves around a couple of young but tough women (like that's new) who have a tendency of getting all the men around them killed. The older characters are very peripheral and somewhat wasted. But that's part of the hangover from the "scary movie" sub-genre, which fortunately seems to be slowly fading into the distance and morphing into marginally better films such as this.

The worst part of the movie was the supposed plot twist. This was something that if you were to ask yourself what the most obvious, generic thing that could happen would be, you'll have guessed it long before it happens.

Anyway, as I said the film is at least honest and for a short disposable hack and slash horror it's pretty reasonable. Having said that, there are better films even in for B-Movie slashers. So really, unless your a WWE fan, or you really like this kind of movie, I wouldn't bother.