Königin der Wikinger

When Don Chaffey directed the historically ludicrous and rather camp dinosaur epic One Million Years B.C., he cleverly distracted viewers from the film's sillier aspects through the use of stunning stop-motion creature effects, and Racquel Welch's even more stunning chest. The result was a completely daft, but thoroughly entertaining piece of schlock cinema.

With The Viking Queen, an equally silly and factually inaccurate sword and sandal movie, he once again uses 'big breast diversion tactics'—only this time with less successful results. Perhaps Chaffey should have thrown caution to the wind and chucked in a T-rex or two!

Beautiful, pillow-chested model Carina plays Celtic Queen (yes... Celtic!) Salina of the Iceni, who is forced to pick up a sword and fight the Romans, despite the fact that her lover, Justinian, is their leader. Carina sure is gorgeous, but even her breath-taking looks and marvellous physique are not enough to prevent one from noticing her wooden acting, the dreadful script, and plodding direction.

Stay the course, and you will be treated to a couple of unintentionally hilarious scenes (of which the lowering of Romans into a fiery pit was my favourite), a smattering of partial nudity (nipple tassles spoil the fun), and a silly battle with Boudicca-style warrior women in chariots (with blades on the wheels) attacking Romans with glee.

But even these enjoyably dumb moments cannot stop The Viking Queen from being a merely mediocre effort.

Ah, yes, let us now all take a moment and consider our debt to the fine British gentlemen of Hammer Films, who kept the 60s and 70s full of luridly colored historo-horror epics. Arguably, the essence of the Hammer style is 1,001 ways to nearly show naked breasts, and "The Viking Queen" is a high example of such. The queen of the title seems to be based on Bodicea, bloodthirsty queen of the Britons. Still, she is a Viking, even though she is supposedly British, and queen of the Druids, even though they all worship the Greek god Zeus. Whatever. Said queen is played by "International Beauty" Carita in a style so rigid that "wooden" doesn't even cover it. This was her only film--I believe she was actually a hairstylist and did Jane Fonda's astonishing do's in the Euro-Poe flick "Spirits of the Dead." Starring opposite her as her hot-panted, eyeliner-ed Roman love interest is Don Murray, a long way from Marilyn Monroe and the "Bus Stop."

Still, my favorite scene is where the British-Viking-Greek-Druids are sacrificing Romans to the fiery pit and there's this great awkward moment where some kind of assistant priest has to climb down from the big rock and stoke the fire for the next human sacrifice while all the other British-Viking-Greek-Druids stand waiting impatiently. I hate it when that happens.

Although it has its quirks and is horribly mis-named (the Vikings entered the European scene 700 years after the movie's setting), this movie is a fun and engaging look at a much-overlooked historical stage. Some disbelief-suspension is required (the title character's accent, for example), but historical-fiction fans should find this film quite entertaining. While the costumes and characters (e.g. the sensational depiction of the Druids) might not be 100% believable, the plotline and settings more than make up for it. As a fan of both the old Hammer style and of Roman history, I was quite engrossed. I just wish they'd called it "Queen of the Celts"!

The Viking Queen is not an epic about the history of Romans in England. It is not a movie about romance (although there's a half-hearted attempt at it). This isn't, as the cover claims, a movie of action. Sit back, relax, and let your mind switch off. That's how to enjoy this film. In the inimitable style that brought us other pseudo-historical films, Hammer has ensured that our time and money is not wasted. It's certainly worth the wait to see the bladed chariot of death. Please don't try to praise this film, or even attempt to call it a classic. It's a joyful romp through the English countryside with an attractive blond, a wicked high priest, and a Machavellian second-in-command. Enjoy!

From the trying-for-sublime to the content-to-be-ridiculous. Carita, a Finnish model-turned-actress, is surprisingly credible (well, not really, but she's not as bad as one would expect) as window dressing turned queen Salina of the Britons, trying to keep her people's semi-sovereignty while romancing the Roman general Justinian (Don Murray, pretty darn bland) who is supposed to be keeping her and her people in check. What I liked about this most, apart from the nice location photography and the presence of 2nd Dr. Who Patrick Troughton as wise warrior Tristram was the slightly more complex than expected political intrigue of the thing, with druids, merchants, British nobles and Romans all playing off against each other. What I liked least were the very cheap, poorly choreographed battle scenes where hardly a drop of red paint is even to be seen, and the swords are so obviously dull and plaster that you can't help laughing at times. Still, Carita is cute and the pacing keeps one more interested than not.

DVD rental (double DVD with Vengeance of She watched previously).