EPBOT

Last week I had a nagging pain in my left calf, a kind of pre-Charley Horse cramp deep in the muscle that kept me awake at night. I didn't think much of it, figuring it was from all the ladder work I've been doing at the rental. Then I woke up with a pain in my left jaw, an achey stiffness in the joint I've never had before, which also hung on for days and made me spill more than usual, since I couldn't get my mouth open all the way. And of course through all this I had my usual arm and hand numbness that’s been getting worse all year.

If any of that rings alarm bells for you, gold stars. You know some of the warning signs of a heart attack.

Spoiler alert: I did NOT have a heart attack. It doesn't get me at this time. Which I'm only explaining because you look nervous, and also because I want to make a Princess Bride reference.

;)

I didn't have a heart attack, but what I did have was a John. So when I woke up on the 3^rd or 4^th day complaining of leg and jaw pain on the left side and numbness in both arms and hands, he started making calls. I was questioned by a nurse over the phone, and after a few more calls, we were off to an urgent care center that performs ultrasounds.

For the record, I didn’t think anything was seriously wrong. Nothing hurt that much, and my anxiety was relatively in check, so I didn't even have chest pains. Still, when I looked at the tightly reined concern in John’s eyes, and when I put myself in his place, there was no question. If it took all day, I was going in to get checked out.

Thirty minutes later I was chatting with a huge bear of a doctor who looked like a Persian Santa Claus in a paper mask. Five minutes after that, Dr. Claus was personally walking me down the hall to the ultrasound, where a kind attendant assured me it was perfectly fine that I hadn’t shaved my legs in 3 days, and let me listen to the whooshing of blood in my leg veins. Better still, no clots.

I was just cleaning the ultrasound goo off my leg when Santa Bear was back, literally waiting at the door to walk us to another exam room for an EKG. It was the end of the day and we were the last ones there, but at no point did we feel like we were inconveniencing anyone or we were overreacting. And listen, if you have a panic disorder and tend to think every new pain means this is The End, then you know what a gift that is.

For the EKG I got to flash my sexiest full-coverage granny bra (in beige, uh thankyouverramuch) at an attractive twenty-something while he hooked up all the little sticky pads to my chest. I’ve never had to hold my shirt up that long for a stranger, so I didn’t really know the protocol on eye contact. I briefly considered – and rejected – asking for Mardi Gras beads. Finally I turned to John sitting in the chair behind me and joked, “Y'know, I’d’ve worn prettier underwear if I knew it'd be getting so much action today. Aheheheh.”

“Please try not to move,” said Attractive Twenty-Something, eyes on the monitor.

“Sorry,” I whispered wide-eyed, and attempted to sink through the exam table and under the earth while mentally making a note to burn all my beige bras and buy prettier underwear. Except these beige bras are comfy, dangit. They keep the armpit flab in check and don’t show up under tops the way black or white bras do. So maybe I’ll keep the beige ones, and just buy a few rainbow unicorn bras to mix in for medical emergencies. Except I can’t really predict a medical emergency - ergo the name. Otherwise it's more of a medical appointment. So really all I need is one rainbow unicorn bra to keep in the car that I can change into on the way... somehow. YES. Perfect. Glad we got that sorted. Also this will help explain things the next time John goes to get a napkin out of the glove box and a frilly unicorn bra falls out. 

::proceeds to lose the next 10 minutes shopping for "unicorn bra" on Amazon::

::(I didn't find any, but I did find a rhinestone bustier I want to wear under my t-shirt for my next EKG, because unexpectedly dazzling an attendent with rainbow sparkle boobs would be hee-LARIOUS.)::

As you may have guessed from my shopping side track, the EKG was fine. Well, I think it’s fine. For some reason whenever I get an EKG there's always a little something that shows up in the readout which the doctor will point out, circle, and then tell me not to worry about. Seriously. I’ve had 3 EKGs in my life, 3 charts with circled blips on them, and 3 docs saying I shouldn’t worry about this thing they just specifically pointed out and circled. Why. WHY. Did I not tell you I have a panic disorder, Doctor Santa Bear? Must you torture me this way?

Ahem.

In summation, friends, let me leave you with this encouragement: go and get the test. Get the thing checked. Even if it's probably nothing, even if it doesn't hurt that bad, and ESPECIALLY even if you're afraid you might be overreacting. Like you, I'm always worrying I'll seem "hysterical" or be dismissed out of hand, because sadly most of us women have had that experience, at least here in the U.S. HOWEVER. Today I'm your John, k? Today I'm looking you in the eye with care and concern and asking, "What's the worst that could happen if it's nothing? Now what's the worst that can happen if it's something, and you ignore it?"

I wish I could be there to (lovingly) shove you in the car and drive you myself, but since I can't do that, I'm hoping this boring story where nothing bad happens is a reassurance. I went in for relatively minor symptoms, but no one rolled their eyes or dismissed me. And even if they had, the peace of mind John and I got from a clean bill of health would have been worth it.

Let me add that I know medical care here in the U.S. is stupid expensive, even with insurance. It stinks, it's not right, and I totally get it if you're worried about the cost. Nothing I say will make that better, but here's what I do know: money is replaceable. You are not. If you suspect something life-threatenting, go.

Every time you do the Hard Thing and take care of yourself, know that I am so freaking proud of you. Then be sure to celebrate with chocolate or tacos or impulse buys or all of the above, because hard things are hard and you've earned it, dangit.

Finally here's MY impulse buy, since I just want to show it off:

3) the cursed objects.



YASSSSS.

Cursed objects are hands down my favorite. You know what I'm talking about: the creepy, the inexplicable, the stuff that makes you recoil in horrified laughter shrieking "WHY???"

Yep, that stuff's my jam.

So last week for my birthday - and after a loooooong 2 year hiatus - John and I spent a heavenly 3 hours finding every cursed object in my favorite antique mall here in Orlando. (I also found lots of cute and cool stuff, but that's for another post.)

You ready for this?

And full disclosure: I 100% love most of these finds, and I'm already regretting not buying a few. So let's see how many you love, starting with...

LEVITATING LETTIE:

At first I thought this was another boring garden ghost statue, but then I spotted her feet. She hangs on the wall and FLOATS, y'all. Perfect for over the bed in your guest room, behind the door in the bathroom... really anywhere someone can stumble across her unexpectedly in the dark.


Now, I know clowns are the low-hanging fruit of the cursed object world, but what can I say? I'm short.

Besides, it's really the hands on this one that bring the noise. You can tell they're supposed to be holding something, but what? A musical instrument? A bone saw? An even smaller version of itself that slowly siphons your soul into its ceramic cheek zit until you're an empty husk haunted by off-key circus organs that drive you into oblivion?

::head tilt::

Or maybe jewelry?


While we're having these thought exercises, imagine, if you will, the design committee that decided there was a market for flocked elephant boobies:


"EYES UP, MISTER"

I don't know how an elephant can flash its nipples and still look that affronted, but here we are.

Can a plastic bubble bath container be a cursed object? I report, you decide:

Top of the Tuesday to you, bots and tots. What's shakin'? Or jiggling? Multiple answers accepted.

Today I thought I'd share some cool stuff I'm watching and/or reading and/or eating, along with random photos from various Life Activities. Cool? Cool.

First, the movie John and I watched last night that I highly recommend:

It's time for more random internet fun finds!

First up, one of my favorite people, Simone Giertz, made a chair relevant to many of our interests:

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A post shared by Simone Giertz (@simonegiertz)