Paul Bryant's Reviews > Hamlet

The Skinhead Hamlet - Shakespeare's play translated into modern English. By Richard Curtis. Yes, that Richard Curtis!

Note : those offended by the F word - LOOK AWAY NOW! And Georgia, if you've stumbled on this review by your funny old dad - this is ANOTHER Paul Bryant. Not me!

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ACT I
SCENE I
The Battlements of Elsinore Castle.

[Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST:]

GHOST: Oi! Mush!

HAMLET: Yer?

GHOST: I was fucked!

[Exit GHOST:]

HAMLET: O Fuck.

[Exit HAMLET:]

SCENE II
The Throneroom.

[Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT:]

CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!

HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?

[Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT:]

HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.

[Enter HORATIO:]

HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock!

HAMLET: Weeeeey!

[Exeunt:]

SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom.

[Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES:]

LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.

OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.

[Exeunt:]

SCENE IV
The Battlements.

[Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.:]

GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!

HAMLET: Who did it then?

GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!

HAMLET: Fuck me!

[Exeunt.:]

ACT II
SCENE I
A corridor in the castle.

[Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.:]

POLONIUS: Oi! You!

HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!

[Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.:]

ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!

[Exit ROS & GUILD.:]

HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.

[Enter OPHELIA.:]

OPHELIA: My Lord!

HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!

[They exit in different directions.:]

ACT III
SCENE I
The Throne Room.

[Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.:]

FIRST PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...

CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.

[Exeunt.:]

SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber.

[Enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS, who hides behind an arras.:]

[Enter HAMLET.:]

HAMLET: Oi! Slag!

GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!

POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.

HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?

[He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.:]

POLONIUS: Fuck!

[POLONIUS dies.:]

HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.

[Exeunt.:]

ACT IV
SCENE I
A Court Room.

[Enter HAMLET, CLAUDIUS.:]

CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!

HAMLET: Delighted, mush.

SCENE II
The Throne Room.

[Enter OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.:]

OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.

[She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.:]

CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?

GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window.) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.

CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.

GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!

CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.

[Exeunt.:]

SCENE III
A Corridor.

[Enter LAERTES.:]

LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.

[Enter CLAUDIUS.:]

CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.

LAERTES: Well, fuck him.

[Exeunt.:]

ACT V
SCENE I
Hamlet's Bedchamber.

[Enter HAMLET and HORATIO.:]

HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.

[Exeunt.:]

SCENE II
Large Hall.

[Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.:]

LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.

HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.

[They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.:]

LAERTES: Fuck!

HAMLET: Fuck!

[The QUEEN drinks.:]

GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!

CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!

[GERTRUDE dies.:]

HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat) Well, fuck you!

CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.

[CLAUDIUS dies.:]

LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?

HAMLET: Yer.

[LAERTES dies.:]

HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!

HORATIO: Yer?

HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.

[HAMLET dies.:]

HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.

[Enter FORTINBRAS.:]

FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?

HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.

FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.

HORATIO: Yer.

FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.

HORATIO: Too fucking right.

FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.

[Exeunt with alarums.:]