Dark Humor Quotes

“The jogger came upon them after the tragedy occurred and witnessed Raymond preparing to take off on his bike while Howard lay facedown on the ground with a metal spike through his head.
When the cops arrived at the scene and questioned Raymond, he told them, “I don’t know … he like fell on it, or something. I was just riding my bike to the grocery store when I passed him on the trail. He was walking on the path while I was biking by. He saw me and said hello and then he fell face-first on a spike. I was like, ‘Dude, does that hurt?’ but he didn’t reply or move.” When the cops asked him why he was trying to flee the scene, he said, “I was going to get help on my bike. Maybe doctors could, like, unspike his head or something, like, I don’t know.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The waitress gave Dale the stink eye while collecting his discarded food and drink. While she performed the removal, Dale read the text on her shirt. I’VE MASTERED MY SHIT, SO IF WE’RE ARGUING DURING MERCURY RETROGRADE, YOU’RE THE ONE BEING A BITCH, NOT ME. I’M ENLIGHTENED, ASSHOLE.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The title of the café suggested its New Age influence, but he had no idea the place would be littered with spiritual knickknacks and completely brimming with wishy-washy clientele sporting tie-dye shirts and earthy-colored, grungy pants. Dale gritted his teeth and painfully examined the place, taking in all its awfulness. The atmosphere alone felt like it was soiling his impeccable suit.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“If Wendell’s stepmother has us slain before I have a chance to contribute to the scholarly debate, I will be very disappointed.”
― Heather Fawcett, Emily Wilde's Compendium of Lost Tales

“Poor dear," Wendell said, bending to rub Shadow's ears. "When I retake my throne, I shall dedicate a fleet of servants to his needs. They shall make for him a velvet bed in every room, with a fire burning beside each one, and the bones of my enemies will be preserved for his enjoyment."
"That started off well, but I did not care for the ending," I said.”
― Heather Fawcett, Emily Wilde's Compendium of Lost Tales

“Oh God"

"God isn't in this crawlspace with us but I'm about to make you pray for his forgiveness"

"Tears burn my eyes but I'm determined not to cry. I've never felt so sullied, never felt so stuffed"

"You're taking this femur so well"

"Oh fuck off”
― Gigi Styx

“He left the cockroach where it was, out of respect for the dead.”
― Neil Gaiman, American Gods: Tenth Anniversary

“You have a notion, like Raynal, of natural liberties, and we all have them by virtue of our being human. But when those liberties are put under societal and cultural pressure, they become civil liberties, and those are contingent on hierarchy and situation. Am I close?"
Voltaire was scribbling on paper. "That was good, that was good. Say all of that again.”
― Percival Everett, James

“we stare into pages hoping to find meaning in a universe that couldn’t care less.And still—flipping pages desperately, only to be met with footnotes of our own insignificance.”
― Onu

“Judas: “Hey, nice uppercut, Prince of Peace. Whatever happened to your “turn the other cheek“ pablum?
Jesus: It’s good in theory, but I take things on a case by case basis.”
― Rick Klaus Theis, Passion Play: Written, Produced & Directed by Jesus H. Christ

“Jesus: I was nearly lynched by a mob made up of my hometown synagogue congregation.”
― Rick Klaus Theis, Passion Play: Written, Produced & Directed by Jesus H. Christ

“Jesus: You picked the wrong Messiah to fuck with!”
― Rick Klaus Theis, Passion Play: Written, Produced & Directed by Jesus H. Christ

“Jesus: Enough with the rebuking!”
― Rick Klaus Theis, Passion Play: Written, Produced & Directed by Jesus H. Christ

“Euphrati saw the thing coming for them and tried to decide whether to scream or raise her picter. In the end, she did both.”
― Dan Abnett

“In 1947, the British left the country but left their ghosts behind!”
― Ruskin Bond

“Snuffles... snuffed it.”
― L. Andrew Cooper, Alex's Escape

“Stuck In One's Craw by Stewart Stafford

Nobody's beeswax,' still, you nosily ask:
'Is it the last supper to eat that fast?'
Try blackened potato skin's bitter taste,
A heritage of hunger's grim, gaunt waste.

From Celtic mist, this heir apparent,
My grandparent's grandparent(s),
Survived Ireland's holocaust famine,
As a local catch, not New World salmon.

Crop blight drove their starving plea,
With lots cast bleak to die or flee
Genetic appetite fed the strongest,
Those who eat fastest live longest.

© 2025, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“He has a placid look on his face that reminds me of the surface of the ocean - which is to say it looks tranquil, but you know there are sharks mauling baby seals underneath.”
― Taylor Jenkins Reid, Carrie Soto Is Back

“If Wendell’s stepmother has us slain before I have a chance to contribute to the scholarly debate, I will be very disappointed.”
― Heather Fawcett - Emily Wilde's Compendium of Lost Tales

“There are thirty-six photos on your four-year-old phone, and all of them are of dismembered bodies,”
― Sarah J. Maas, House of Earth and Blood

“Saint Belfort’s Wood by Stewart Stafford

As I rambled through Saint Belfort’s Wood,
The Entrepreneurial Skag Lepus accosted me,
“I can get you hopped-up whether you want it or not,” he boasted,
Gesturing to a commune of defrocked Praying Mantises nearby.

They stood transfixed like Pointer dogs,
As they tried cleaning their antennae,
Failing miserably in the attempt,
Their eyes swirling cascades of hopelessness.

“You talk too much for a rabbit,” I replied,
My eyes moving over his tweed waistcoat,
“I’m a hare, actually,” he said, taking umbrage,
“Then you, sir, are a follicular f-f-falsity!” I shouted.

I turned on my heel and walked away,
“Don’t look a gift hare in the mouth!” he called after me,
“I have and only see two buck teeth!” I responded,
The hare huffed and hopped away to find another hophead.

© 2021, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“My first mustache.” Jarke stroked above his lip. “Ravyn can you see it yet?” He put his face close to mine. I could barely see a few hairs. “Jarke, if you keep waiting for that mustache to show up, it might just end up on your gravestone as ‘Here lies Jarke, still waiting for puberty.”
“Well, if it does show up,” Jarke said. “I hope the girls don’t mistake it for a caterpillar trying to make a break for it. Though, on the bright side, I might get some kisses… from entomologists.” He took a sip of his drink as Crowsel chuckled darkly, “Just make sure it doesn’t end up strangling you in your sleep. I’d hate for your first kiss to be with the Grim Reaper.”
Jarke grinned. “At least I’ll have a more interesting epitaph than you two. ‘Here lies Jarke, kissed by death, stubble at last.”
― Tiano Mattherson, Mydnight: Knytehood

“Q: Who do you think will hate this book?
Readers who need likable characters, happy endings, or faith in humanity’s progress.”
― Alexander Petrow, The Weather Forecast in Hell

“In a world that rarely adds up, absurdity might be the closest thing to truth. Then again, I’ve always been bad at math.”
― Delusional enough to write a novel

“Blyat! Now, of all times? You’ve got to be kidding me...” Dmitry’s tirade echoed in the room as he gave his TV a fervent smack. Out of the blue, for no apparent reason, the ancient set, with its worn-out brand logo and buttons that had been pressed one too many times, had decided to rebel against him.”
― Luna M. Leon, Of Sturgeon and Carrie Bradshaw

“To those who claim I lack respect for the human race — I will say that, after all, I removed the phrase ‘depressed neurotic monkeys’ from all the places in the book; and not just because I like and respect monkeys. What does that tell you?”
― Alexander Petrow, The Weather Forecast in Hell

“Where's your hope?” I said.
Crowsel snorted. “Mate. I lost that a long time ago.”
― Tiano Mattherson, Mydnight: Knytehood

“Shrewd Shakespeare understood that the paradox of drama also ticks at the heart of life itself: we can't truly bear, understand or transcend tragedy without humour and we definitely appreciate levity more when unburdened from pitch darkness. Deepest drama often demands a sudden crash of laughter's lightning bolt. Surgically-wielded comic relief, used with acute awareness of audience and moment, doesn't merely lighten a heavy scene; it provides the critical human counterpoint, a vital exhale allowing the audience to bear the weight, and feel it all the more intensely when tension returns, effectively disproving the literally-minded misconception that to laugh at something is to disrespect it or not take it seriously. This profound effect isn't just theatrical technique; it taps into a timeless human impulse—gallows humour, whistling past the graveyard—a deep-seated capacity to find release and digest life's bitterest truths, even in the face of overwhelming gravity.”
― Stewart Stafford

“CheckFate by Stewart Stafford

Now hear this about Fate!
Its coils squeezing around you,
Directing your every move,
It is your second skin glue.

Scream unilateral lockdown,
As in Covid fever dream years,
Fate is your silent partner,
Lifer cellmate chained to all your fears.

As you hide in a shack in the Andes,
Fate's squatter gatecrashes to stay,
Tracked by a big cat in the Pampas,
Jaguar-spotted stalker in your DNA.

Fate deals its stacked tarot cards,
Catch-22's lotto winners - broke and few,
A drill sergeant drones' whipped parade
In lockstep as one of Fate's crew.

© 2025, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“That's a relief," I admitted. "So, you're aware...does that mean you were a criminal back home?"
"Yes."
"And?"
"And what?"
"What were you convicted of?" I asked.
"Ah. Improper use of resources."
"Right...What did you do?"
"I destroyed the sun."
"WHAT?" I practically screamed.
"I jest."
"I fucking hope so! What did you do?"
"We were volunteers," it said.”
― Jez Cajiao, Age of Conquest