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Ninth

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On Sunday, I will run in my ninth half marathon. I think I’m ready. This training cycle has gone fairly well. I  know I’m mentally done with training right now, and my body is giving signals it’s over it too.  The legs take a couple of miles to loosen up, and I wake up not wanting to think about running, nor plan my day around a run. Don’t get me wrong – I do love to run, but training is different. It reaches a point my entire schedule revolves around training. There’s no putting off getting miles in, even on cold, windy, rainy days (or hot, windy, humid days).

It seems surreal today – the fact I’ll be running 13.1 on Sunday morning. I did pull a 13 mile run a couple of weeks ago, and it was a pretty good one. I’ve never done that before a half before – actually done 13 on a training run. But I feel like it gave me a mental edge – I’ve done it, recently, and it went well, so race day should hold no surprises.

Here’s the thing….I always have this anxiety going into a race. I just never know at the start of a race, at the start of a long run, how it’s going to go, how it’s going to feel. I’ve coasted through a few races, but there have also been a few I fought IT band issues, muscle cramps, broken headphones (no music for an entire 13 miles really killed my mojo), too-narrow race courses, poor course support, and a fail on the nutrition plan. I think that’s part of why I do races though…because you don’t know what’s going to come up, what you might have to overcome in order to reach the finish line.

I do have a serious cheerleader in my running partner. She’s awesome at keeping my out of my own head, and at encouraging me when I would totally stop/walk if she weren’t there. She also checks in to make sure I get my miles in. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other. I  know when her powersongs come on, she knows when mine come on. Plus she’s the best pace-keeper I’ve ever come across. We decide what time we want to shoot for, and she sets the pace and doesn’t waver. On my own, I’m all over the board, with a variance of sometimes 20 seconds either direction.

So, nine…Nine half marathons…Nine training cycles….This isn’t new territory, but each race is definitely its own beast. Bring it.

Losing words

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I have found myself listening again to classical music more than anything else. It seems that regular music, with lyrics, brushes my nerves too much lately.  There are too many words in the world anymore. The daily reasons to be outrage overwhelm – I call it outrage overload. We never get a chance to fully flesh out, get good and done with one thing to be outraged about before something else is there to be outraged about. Music without words just soothes and calms. There aren’t any words to digest, process, or think about.

I am struggling yet with all we’ve been through already this year. The daily close-to-the-surface tears have gone away. The anxiety and sad remain. I’m fighting my way through. Prepping for my ninth half-marathon has helped, along with being surrounded by the best spouse and friends a girl could ask for. I pray God we never go through a darkness like that again.

In the meantime, I find myself using words judiciously, conservatively. I have been quiet. I keep telling myself to get back here and write. But the words don’t seem to come nearly as easily as they did before. I second-guess constantly…the things I would write about, the words I would use, the response to both. I am not who I was…I’m not sure I ever will be.

The reality for me right now is that nearly every day is a struggle – a struggle to be productive, to do anything more than hide away, huddle under a blankie, and read or watch mindless television. I am in the “fake it til you make it” mode, somehow managing to pull off what I need to get done most days.

I will get through. We will get through. I may be losing my words for now, but if I know me, they aren’t very far away, and they aren’t gone forever.

Resolute Resolve

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Resolute – rez-uh-loot

  • adjective

1. firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion

2. characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc

Resolve – ri-zolv

  •    verb

1.  to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something)

4. to convert or transform by any process

6. to settle, determine, or state in a formal vote or formal expression of opinion or intention

7. to deal with (a question, a matter of uncertainty, etc.) conclusively

13. to come to a determination; make up one’s mind

(Definitions courtesy  of Dictionary.com

Do you make New Year’s Resolutions? I go back and forth, mostly because of my personal failure rate with them. But, I am a list-maker, and I do love goals, being able to achieve, complete, cross off as finished. If I have something to aim towards, I feel more focused, even if I know the chances of actually holding to New Year’s Resolutions are generally slim. Resolutions are meant to change us, to guide us, to give us clear focus on things we’d like to achieve. We firmly resolve to convert, transform, settle, determine, deal with.

I started with a mental list of things I’d like to achieve for 2018, some solid, some more esoteric. I’ve learned that having a mental list means little accountability for me, plus I just tend to plain forget things on mental lists. I have to have it written down, period. An (obviously) avid  journaler, I prefer to put the list on a clean page of a brand new journal each year, but that’s not always an option, especially with the madness of the holidays typically making me forget to get a new journal before New Year’s Day. Soooo….my 2018 list is on a clean page, but in a worn out, half-used journal.

I don’t usually share my resolutions or goals. Writing them down and going back to that written list is usually good enough to keep me somewhat accountable, or make me feel guilty when two weeks into the new year, I’ve already failed at at least two of the items on the list. Hah! I know I’m  not alone in that endeavor nor in the failure.

To put it lightly, the last two years have held some significant challenges, some huge learning curves, lots of fails, lots of successes as well. As 2017 was reaching its end, I was focused on every hard thing endured in the last year. But as I flipped through pictures, I realized how many incredible experiences I’d had, the very high points I’d enjoyed. First goal on my list for 2018 is thus to look for the positive first in all things, and to choose daily to be happy. If you’re always waiting for the shoe to fall,  it probably will. If you’re always seeing the awful and the hard first, then that’s mostly what you’re going to experience. Yep, bad things are going to come. I’m going to try to layer myself in positive and happy though, and maybe that’ll make the bad, hard stuff seem a little less bad and less difficult. I’m sharing this goal here because this is the biggest form of accountability I can find. I have resolute resolve to be happy and positive, every damn day. (remind me of that next week when something goes completely sideways, will you please?)

The other goal I will share is to blog at least three times a week. I’ve gotten off track the last four or five months. I feel it physically. I get twitchy when I can’t get stuff out of my head and written down. I’ve said it before – this is how I process. I feel like I’ve been keeping a lot inside, which goes a long way towards taking away that happy and positive, don’t you think?

Oh, yeah….I’ll share one more. I want to run at least two half marathons this year. I need redemption for last year, and I definitely need something to keep me out there running four times a week, including a good, long run each week. I’ve already registered for the Encinitas Half which is in early March. I’ll figure out that second race soon. Training forces me to get out there, and run the miles I need each week, rather than skipping or deciding that four miles is just as good as the seven I’m supposed to run on a given day.

So, share your resolutions if you feel so inclined. Or share why you don’t resolutely resolve. Regardless, Happy 2018!

Training

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After the disaster of a half marathon I ran back in early June, I took a long break from serious running…nothing really over three miles, and no more than one or two runs a week. I just checked out for the summer. Plus I was trying to give whatever was going on with my right leg/hip/IT band/hamstring time to recover and heal. Fall arrived, the kids were back in school, but running was still not a priority. I think I was scared – scared it would hurt again, scared I would find I’d never get my running mojo back. But come October, I was ready to start again, albeit slowly. And boy was I slow!!

I spent a month running a full minute slower than my usual easy run pace. I couldn’t go any faster. My breathing was off. I had to fight just to get through three or four miles, mentally and physically.  I still wasn’t running any more than a few times a week, under 10 miles on average each week. But then something kicked in, and I could do four miles without battling so hard. My pace started to drop back down. So I pushed it to a five-miler one Saturday morning. The last mile was a little rough, but I did it.

I talked to my running buddy across the street. She said, “When you get to six, let me know and we’ll find a race.” She’s the optimist in our hood, and I love her. She is a source of constant encouragement. Last Saturday morning, I got up early to crank out a run before the business of the day hit – my mom was arriving at noon, and the Princess and I needed to hit the mall before going to the airport. It was a perfect running morning – cloudy and cool, but no rain, no wind.

I pumped out 6.5 miles! And it felt soooooooo good. Nothing hurt. Oh, my legs could tell they’d worked, but nothing hurt. I immediately texted my friend when I got home. We’ve signed up for the Encinitas Half on March 8th.  It’s a flatter, smaller, newer race, and I’ve heard really good things about it.

My buddy sent me my training schedule Sunday afternoon. I started half marathon training cycle number 9 yesterday.

I love the start of a training cycle – the anticipation, the work you  know you’re going to put in over the next few months, what awaits you at the end of the cycle. I won’t lie though, it’s also a little overwhelming, seeing all the miles you need to put in, knowing there will be days you just don’t want to get out there for two hours of running.

The real accomplishment of a race, however, is getting through that training cycle. Yes, she even makes me to speed work, which I detest. But it’s on the schedule, so it’ll happen. We’re not training for time this go round….just to finish. Okay, there’s kind of a time we’re aiming for, but I’m not going at it to PR. I think I pushed a little too hard, too long for that last race, and I missed more than a few shorter runs over the course of it due to travel, illness, and work.

I’m nervous and apprehensive, but also excited. I love how I feel when I finish a run. I love when I have a good run – it just gets my whole entire day off to a better start. I love doing something not everyone does. And I do love crossing that finish line at the end. Happy Training Cycle to me!

Finished

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Finished – that word applies to so many things today. It’s been the word on my mind most the last few days. Finished. We are finished, we have finished, we will finish, we have yet to finish. Sigh….I’m in a funky place.

Big Man and P finished their school year Friday. P said she actually didn’t want the year to end. Wait, what? From my point of view, it’s been an exhausting, mentally and emotionally draining, dragged out, up-and-down/high-and-low year. I was not sad to see the door close on this one for them.

I am proud of Big Man – he pulled it together enough to have an almost-respectable GPA for the semester. It was a near-miracle, considering how deep a hole he’d dug himself. But he did it. We did have to push, and check in almost hourly to make sure he was doing what needed to be done, but he did it. Oh trust me, his final report card for the year wasn’t amazing, but it was nearly as ugly as it had been. For that, we say “Thank you Jesus!”, and heave a sigh of relief. Pray God he’s figured it out and we won’t have to face these same issues next  year.

After a long season of training (for me anyways  – Big Man didn’t really train at all), we ran the Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon yesterday morning. I was really worried about this one, as my training was cut short due to various injuries. My last 11-mile run was five weeks ago. My last run of any significant distance was three weeks ago. My last run was a week and a half before race day, and that just 4 miles. I spent 10 days gently stretching, icing, heating, and praying it would come together and I’d be able to push through. I had a 2-hour massage. I went to the chiropractor. I faithfully used my foam roller.

Race morning arrived. There was a LOT of frustration early – parking was an unmitigated disaster. It took us nearly an hour to get into the lot from the time we arrived downtown, then we had a mile walk to the shuttle busses. We got on our bus at the time we should have been arriving at our corral. We were in the bathroom line when our corral started, and ended up crossing the start with a corral 9 behind our assigned corral. I’d decided with my training partner to just push for the goal we’d trained for – a 2-hour finish. I knew 2 miles in I wasn’t going to be able to maintain that pace – the three weeks without any significant running had killed me. I slowed to my old half marathon pace and regrouped. Three miles later, my IT bands started tightening and my knees started to hurt. I pushed on, with short stretches of walking, until I hit mile 7 when I knew I’d have to just let go of this race. It became a matter of finishing, and nothing else. I walked when I needed to – which was quite a bit – and ran when I could. There was a downhill at 9.7 that almost did me in. But I pressed on. My training partner finished (I was getting texts for her and for Big Man) – I was at mile 10 I think. Then  Big Man finished. I was closing in on mile 11. I was frustrated, in pain, tired, and so disappointed. At mile 12, I started running again, determined to finish the race running. I knew there was nothing structurally wrong with my body – just IT bands that like to knot up and make it feel like there are knives going into the side of each knee – and so I pushed, and crossed the finish at 2:41 – my worst half marathon time ever, by 16 minutes. I headed to the medical tent and had my knees wrapped in ice.

My training partner had a PR, under 2 hours. Big Man didn’t meet his time from last year of 1:58, but he really didn’t train at all (oh to be 16!). He finished at 2:09. But we finished. The race is more about the culmination of training – a cap to a season. I’m trying to let it go, the disappointment of a bad race. Training had been going so well. I’m trying hard to focus on the fact I ran my 8th half marathon and not everyone gets to say that. I am so proud of Big Man – there were 114 boys on the course in his division. He finished 51st of those 114. That’s pretty awesome, isn’t it? Out of 30,000+ people running (between the full, half, and half-relay), only 114 15-17 year old boys were running, and one of them was my son. I love that I got to share yesterday with him. What’s really fun  is being able to talk about it with him, remembering miles and sections like a football player will remember a play, a golfer will remember each hole on a course, a pitcher what pitch got launched out of the ballpark by which hitter. I love that shared experience. I’m proud of the fact he fought when things started to hurt; he didn’t give in when the course got rough, when he knew he wasn’t going to match his time from last year, when he got tired and wanted to quit. He finished. We finished.

Eleven more school days for Little Man. Then we will be finished completely with this school year. He’s hanging in there. He has had some increased anxiety – it’s so typical of this time of year for him. We will fight through, and then breathe another sigh of relief. It is so weird to manage two out of school and one still in, especially for the significant amount of time 2.5 weeks is. We’re almost finished.

Itis

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I have itis…….No specific itis, just itis. There’s physical itis – I am on week 17 of a 19 week half marathon training plan. My right hip has so much itis. My left IT band decided it needed itis for the first time in my life. (Totally used to managing my right IT band). I’m also tired of training. I want the race to be here. So I have training-itis. Mentally getting myself out the door every running day is challenging.

We’re reaching the end of the school year – although, as I mentioned, while Big Man and P have just 7 school days left, Little Man has 19 school days left. It sucks. I have school-mom-itis. I’m over checking grades, checking homework, asking if they have homework, getting kids out the door in the morning, making sure they go to bed at night. Done. Finis. Toast. Exhausted. Drained. ITIS!!!!!

I also have some domestic-itis. I have no motivation for laundry, grocery shopping, Costco trips, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, making the bed. I make myself do it, because I am a responsible adult, but geeez…..I know now why my mom used to go off the deep end and totally lose her ish whenever we’d roll our eyes and/or groan over what she’d decided to make for dinner. I think one of the most over-rated things of being an adult is choosing what to make for dinner. Don’t even get me started on making sure you actually have what you need to make what you’ve decided you want to eat, nor on actually cooking it, and even less cleaning it up. My bed hasn’t been made in weeks, unless you count yesterday when clean sheets were put on all the beds.

I have a little work-itis too. I do love my job, but I’m struggling with a very-low patience level due to all the other itis’s I’m currently managing, so tedious tasks are, well, tedious, and annoying. I wanted to poke my own eyeballs out while spending two hours on a PowerPoint, only to discover it didn’t save half of what I’d done. Then another spreadsheet just flat out disappeared off my external hard drive. Can’t find it on my computer anywhere. And darn it, I really hate when I forget something or make a mistake. The event I worked today was on the Bay. I sat there and watched boats for half an hour after everyone was checked in and the program was underway. That half hour of quiet and calm is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

My mind and body want to float in my pool with a book and a beverage all day, every day. I don’t know what you’d call that particular itis, but I have it. It’s probably the worst itis I have at the moment. I’m sure it’s making all my other itis’s worse, don’t you think? I can hear the water flowing over the edge of the hot tub into the pool. It’s warm outside, and the water looks so inviting. And my float is just floating around the pool, looking lonely. Sigh….

What’s your current itis situation?

Limping toward the finish line

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We are, literally and figuratively, limping toward the finish line of this school year. God, it’s been a rough one. I thought last year was bad. Apparently this year saw last year and said, “Here, hold my beer.” This Herd is DONE. Toast. Finis. Exhausted. Drained. And oh yeah, I am limping.

You see, two days after the Bigs finish school, Big Man and I will run the Rock n Roll Half in San Diego again. My training was a bit derailed last week. I headed out for a four-mile easy run Thursday. I immediately felt pain in the left side of my left knee, and my left Achilles tightened up too. I tried to work through it, slowed down, and then stopped to stretch, but it just hurt. I made it all of .88 miles before I caved. At just over four weeks til race day, I wasn’t going to risk injury. And it really freaking hurt.

I hate when I have to stop a run because of pain. My whole day goes downhill. I was able to get out and finish four miles on Friday morning, but it wasn’t easy. There wasn’t any pain, but there was discomfort. I had to mentally fight to the end. Same happened on this morning’s 5-mile easy run. I was super slow, my muscles didn’t loosen up until mile 3. I will admit, I was tense, afraid the pain from last Thursday would return. I’m so not where I want to be mentally and emotionally with running right now. I’m afraid for this race, afraid I’ve put too much pressure on myself. I’m a little scared.

As for school…we’re usually beat up by this point. That’s nothing new. What is new is the level of being drained we are all at. It’s bad. The Bigs have four more weeks of school – 18 more school days. Big Man just finished the second of two AP exams this morning. The Princess has hers this Friday. In a few weeks, they face final exams. Blessedly they don’t seem to have the level of end-of-school-year projects they’ve had in recent years, thank the  Good Lord. It’s been a brutal year for both of them – academically for Big Man, socially and emotionally for P. We’re all ready to be done, to put this year behind us, chalk it up to life lessons and growing pains, and kiss it goodbye. Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out, 16/17 school year.

Little Man has 6.5 weeks of school. Yep, you read that right. He isn’t out until June 20th. I can’t remember when my kids were in school that late – past my birthday this year. Insanity. That’s 18 days AFTER the older two finish. Utterly ridiculous. I’ve been whining about it since the calendar was released last year. Then, get this, because they are aligning the middle and elementary school calendar with the  high school calendar, he will have just eight weeks of summer, as opposed to ten or eleven. Again, absolutely ridiculous.

He’s struggling right now, again. His SAI sent me an email the other day he’s back to leaving the classroom quite a bit again, spending a significant amount of time in the great room rather than in his class, doing what he’s supposed to be doing. She said he seems more stressed but he can’t express why. We have seen an increase in his anxiety level at home. I have no idea what the source is for his stress. He does tend to go a little sideways the closer we get to the end of the school year, but who knows.

I have no energy. I’m tired. I’m over the morning routine and homework battles. I’m tired of thinking about carpools, 6am cheer, and test scores. The kids are tired too.

You know, some years we come sliding across that finish line with a bang. We’re beat up, but we fight to the end. We might make it by the skin of our teeth, phoning it in on whatever we can. But this year, we’re limping. It’ll be a close thing. I know we’ll get there, but it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Commit

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Since our kids were little, we’ve spoken consistently on commitment – if you say you’re going to do something, you do it; you finish what you start, and you don’t half-ass it. If you can’t or won’t abide those rules, you don’t even start. You can’t tell your kids one thing and do something else, so we do our very best to live this out. This means that even when we’re tired, or overwhelmed, we have to suck it up.

I’m training for two races right now, with the goal of finishing the half marathon in June at or just under two hours. That means work, because I have to take over 8 minutes off my best time. I have a training plan I’m doing my best to stick with. Travel and illness have derailed it a bit, but I’m back in the saddle this week, getting miles in. I’m even doing speed work, which I completely detest. More shocking, I’ve run in the rain. I’ve always been a fair-weather runner. I hate being out in the rain. But I have to put the miles in, so I shove a hat on my head, put on sunglasses to keep the rain out of my eyes, and get out there. I’ve also never run back-to-back days, much less three days in a row, but I’m doing it. I actually feel stronger, and have fewer issues with my hip and IT band than when  I was just running three days a week. It helps to have a friend holding me accountable, but I’ve committed to a goal, and it’s on me to finish it. That means there are nights I don’t go out because I have a long run early the next morning. That means getting up on a Saturday morning when I’d much rather sleep in. That means squeezing in runs even when I have a billion other things to get done. That means taking care of my body so it can carry me through 13.1 miles/

Big Man had some struggles with fully committing earlier this school year. He was out there at practice, but man, talk about phoning it in. Granted, he was struggling with growing pains, but he just would not push through. It came back to haunt him, and he learned a valuable lesson, one that didn’t come from us.

The Princess has been about commitment for years. When she chose dance over competitive soccer, she was mid-way through a soccer season. She knew she had to carry it out, finish the season with her team. Her soccer family was relying on her. They needed her to remain fully engaged until the end. It was rough….she was exhausted, but she fought until the very end of the very last game of her very last tournament. She decided to cheer in high school, so for nearly a year, she’s been at school almost every weekday morning at 6am to practice. That doesn’t begin to cover all the extra hours at camp, cheering at games, making posters and putting together gifts for athletes, working hard on pep rally routines. In the midst of all this, she’s done her best to maintain  her dance schedule.

Here’s the deal – your kids are going to learn to be committed to things if you aren’t showing them how. You can’t tell them to commit if you aren’t committed to whatever you’re doing. Some days it’s much harder than others, but you do it, even when it’s difficult, and you’re tired, and you’d much rather sit on the couch watching baseball movies all day.

It Isn’t About the Race

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My Dear Son –

In nine days, we will run the Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon. It’s been a rough training season, much like your first year of high school has been an ongoing battle. I want you to understand, this isn’t about the race. I want you to understand why we’ve been pushing you so hard this year.

Think of this race, and training for this race, as a metaphor of a life lesson we want you to learn sooner than later. When you’re training for a race, you  need to get up and get your runs in, even when it’s dripping rain, warm, or you’re tired. And you can’t ditch your run the minute you feel uncomfortable. You have to fight the mental battle, and push through. If you don’t train, race day will be much more difficult than it needs to be. Put the time in, do the work, prepare your mind and body.

I can’t run this race for you. I’ll be there by your side, but you have to do it. You have to run. I’ll support you as much as I can, but this is your gig. You’ll reach a point you’ll need to fight yourself, the desire to stop, to give in, to give up. We all get to that place at some point in every race. It’s then you need to draw out your own inner strength, pull from the people running alongside you, gather energy from the spectators along the race route cheering you on. Keep fighting. Keep running. The finish line isn’t that far away. The reward is in sight, but you have to keep fighting. You’ll get there; I know you will, and I can’t wait to see your face when that medal is placed around your neck, a sign of accomplishment.

Now take all that, and apply it to life. This is what we want you to learn….We can’t do life for you, but we’re here, supporting you and cheering you on, every step of the way. But you have to fight through. You have to reach down inside yourself, and learn to push even when you want to stop. Minimal effort does not equal maximum outcome. You can skate through, but you don’t win that way. Successful people are not those who’ve given the least of themselves. This is why we’ve been pushing you so much this year – pushing you to be accountable, to do the work, to live up to the potential you’ve shown, do what we know you’re capable of. This is why we aren’t letting you slide on minimal effort, excuses, or quitting.

There will be a day, all too soon, we aren’t able to be there constantly watching, prodding, managing. You need to do this. You need to be that fighter we know you have within. You have to motivate yourself. You  have to push yourself, even when you want to stop, give in, give up. The sooner you learn this and live it, the easier your life will be, and success will come, in whatever form is meant for your life. The time for coasting is over. Reach deep inside yourself, and learn again to battle. Run the race. Fight through. We’ll be there, watching, cheering, encouraging, and, yes, pushing.

I’m proud to be your mom. I can’t wait to cross that finish line with you.

This grand vision

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Big Man and I are training for a half marathon, which we will run on June 5th. I have this grand vision of us crossing the finish line, hand-in-hand, arms raised in a big, “Take that, prematurity!” kind of gesture. In all likelihood, he will hit that finish line at least ten minutes ahead of me, if not more. I won’t even be able to witness him finishing his first half marathon. For some odd reason, that makes me as emotional as it makes me proud.

We spend most of our training runs with him way out in front of me. It’s definitely pushed my pace, trying to at least keep him in my sights. But let’s face it, he’s 31 years younger, and a good deal lighter. He’s just going to be faster. He does walk more than I, but he doesn’t have the advantage of having trained for six half marathons under his belt as I do. He’s learning, but that means he takes off at his cross country training pace, and then has to walk a bit. I’m worried about him pushing it race day. The adrenaline flows so easily then. He will be running with his cousin, B, who is 9 months older than he, and who’s run a half before. I’m thinking B will help keep him reined in enough to get him to the finish.

Part of me wants to tell him to wait for me so we can finish together, but I won’t do that. I want him to run this race on his terms. He deserves that chance. He deserves to run it his way, finish it his way. I won’t hold him back, no matter how much I long for that memorable moment. There will be plenty of photo ops after the race is done.