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I’m finding this very sus

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I have been on estrogen for 7-ish years or so. You know…perimenopause, menopause and all the subsequent BS they do to women’s bodies. I had a partial (if you want to call having ONE ovary left out of everything “partial”) hysterectomy a dozen years or so ago which was the best decision ever. But then, as one does, all the hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, mood swings, brain fog and just about EVERY other peri/menopause symptom hit all at once about three years after. Off to my annual exam I go. My fabulous NP at the gyn office started me on a very-low dose estrogen pill. It worked wonders, mostly. This past fall, we decided to up that dosage, and, because I have family history on both sides of cardiac conditions, she switched me over to the transdermal patch. Yay! No more pill taking! And she lived happily ever after, until she didn’t.

Record scratch! Three months into using the wonder that is the estrogen patch, my pharmacy cancelled my refill, without explanation. So I went in to ask what the hell was up? The tech explained that dosage of the patch was on backorder, as in gone, poof, dried up supply, and no clue when they’d have it back in stock. Awesome. Called the doc’s office, and they spent three days tracking down any pharmacy that had access to a supply of the patches. I finally got a call they’d moved my prescription over to Walmart – side bar…..who looks forward to going into Walmart once a month? NOT ME!. But there you have it. Walmart, here I come. Which was great, until it wasn’t. Last week, I went to refill via my lovely app, and it kept getting cancelled. So I once again. march my way into a pharmacy to ask what’s the deal. They too are now out of the dang things, with no idea when they will be able to get them back in stock.

I spent an hour on the phone yesterday. I won’t go into all the details, just suffice it to say it shouldn’t be this hard to get a medication. Like seriously. How are we constantly running out of stock of a med a lot of women rely on? Now, ever since it was first prescribed for me (the estrogen patches, not estrogen in general), I have been seeing ads all over the place for them. Now, I’m grateful there is finally real conversation around perimenopause and menopause. I’m also totally on board with women taking those conversations and advocating for themselves with their doctors, asking questions of the experts, getting what they need. The fact we as women have been dealing with so much for so long, and been told “sorry about your luck” for forever is utter BS. It’s ridiculous our symptoms have been chalked up to something we just have to put up with. No one researching, no one discussing, no one really talking to us about our options, much less giving us space to feel the feels about this stage of life.

What I’m thinking is so completely sus is not being able to get the transdermal patches. I have to have this version of estrogen, particularly due to the deep family history of cardiac issues. I don’t have the option to take the pills, and I don’t like the potential of problems using the cream or gel form. Why can’t we get this? Why is it on backorder everywhere? I’ve heard numerous things. One, the demand is so much higher because we are talking more about menopause and women are asking for the estrogen patches. Two, women know to ask for the patches because of the increase in targeted ads. Have you seen these ads? They’re all over my social media and tv, as well as in my podcasts feed. Yay drugs for women getting attention! Booo that attention is making it nearly impossible for me to get my prescription filled. Three, and this one I heard just this week, the pharmaceutical companies make very little profit on this medication so they aren’t inclined to make a lot of it. Not a money-maker for them, at least until the demand exceeds the supply and then women are doing whatever it takes to be find them and get those prescriptions filled. We are once again paying a tax for being female.

You know if this were a drug for men, it would be readily available, always, and inexpensive. I’m finding it very sus that I’m having to work so hard to keep getting it. And I know I’m not alone. I know one of my sisters and one of my best friends has been going through the same struggle. Why? Is there some secret plot going on to make women of a certain age go completely off the rails? This will be the one thing that will make me go down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories……why estrogen patches are disappearing and estrogen patch prescriptions are incapable of being filled. Nothing else has pushed me around the bend over the last eleven years, but this will do it for sure. WHERE HAS ALL THE ESTROGEN GONE????!!!!

She Didn’t See

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Twenty years ago, when we found out we were pregnant with a baby girl, so many things crossed my brain immediately – so many hopes, fears, worries, intentions. I knew I wanted her to be stronger than I’d ever been, to not have the painful shyness I’d dealt with all my life, to know she could do whatever she wanted to do no matter her gender, to not bully nor be bullied, to know she was more than what her face looks like, that she could be intelligent and not have to qualify it, to not face the many body image issues I’d dealt with most of my life. I knew as she grew up I would have to handle my own insecurities, issues, problems while guiding her.

I was ten years old the first time I remember looking in the mirror and seeing an imperfect body. I started measuring and weighing myself that year – it was the year we moved from the only home I’d known in a big city to a tiny, rural, one-high-school town where everyone had known each other their entire lives. My debilitating shyness did not serve that situation well. I truly believed if I were “perfect” then I’d be accepted, fit in right away, have bunches of friends. That year started my toxic relationship with food. I made so many rules for myself – those rules only expanded as I made my way through my teen years and into college. I’d punish myself for eating “too much” or the wrong things by exercising for hours, or withholding food the rest of the day (or even the next day). I was not healthy. I was also not the least bit fat. I weighed in at 92 pounds when I graduated high school, 98 when I graduated college. It took years for me to get to a healthy place, a manageable place. The impulses were still there, but I tamped them down with positive self-talk and just plain determination to not go back to that place.

I hit perimenopause about the same time the Princess hit puberty. Not a good combination. Perimenopause brought instability to my emotional state. It also brought some weight gain – no matter what I did or didn’t do…exercise, food, supplements….the pounds were gained, and stayed. I was struggling so hard, but I worked hard to make sure the Princess didn’t see it. She was in such a vulnerable place. I did not want her to see my issues with food and weight because I was determined she would never face the same problems I’d had as a teen and early adult. I tried to outwardly show a healthy relationship with food and exercise, a healthy balance, while I fought my battles internally.

When P was home for Spring Break, we ended up having a conversation about food and exercise. She knows now what I went through in high school and college. When I told her how hard I’d fought when she was in high school, she told me she’d never seen it. She’d never been aware the ongoing battles I was having, thank the Lord. We talk about it now, but she didn’t see it when I needed her most to NOT see it. I had to get her past that uber-vulnerable period of years during early teenager-hood. I felt I’d won some kind of award. Even though I struggled mentally, it didn’t show in my outward behavior. I didn’t let myself go crazy, or go back to those high school/college habits. Needing to model healthy for her kept me healthy. Battle won.

Why the struggle?

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I was listening to a podcast the other day about body image for women. I am a woman of a certain, later age, mother to three teenage children, and what I’d consider physically active. I don’t think I look awful, but more times than not, I look in the mirror and am not pleased with what I see. Let’s not even discuss how some of my clothes fit (or don’t fit) anymore. And while logically I know that I will never again look like I did when I was 20, I struggle immensely more days than not with being okay where I am.

There are days I can just say, “Hey, you’re not young anymore, but you take care of yourself, and you don’t look half bad for your age.” I can just own where I am, knowing I eat more salad than cake, drink more water than wine, and I run more than  Ibinge-watch tv. Menopause/perimenopause have done their work, and most women my age  show it.

Then there are the days I see that flabby, saggy underarm skin, the back crease, the belly bulge; I put on pants that used to fit and now the waist won’t button, or the butt is too tight; dresses show every lump and bump that isn’t supposed to be there, and I get very, very depressed. I’ll go crazy for a few days, watching and logging everything I’m eating and drinking. I may lose a pound, or gain two in the process. I get motivated to finally work on taking off those last five pounds, then after a couple of weeks of working my butt off, I realize that unless I only eat salad every day, all day, those pounds aren’t really going to come off, and do I really want to live that way? Do I want my daughter to see me going to such extremes?

It’s a constant battle for me, and the pendulum swings, sometimes multiple times a day. I work hard to just be healthy, make good choices, stay active and exercise almost every day. That focus is easy to keep. It’s just the results I struggle with, and the desire to fix what I see wrong with my body, and the desire to honor and be happy with the body that has served me well. I wish I could just be okay with me. I fear I am not setting a good, healthy example for my children when it comes to self-image and self-esteem.