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I’m finding this very sus

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I have been on estrogen for 7-ish years or so. You know…perimenopause, menopause and all the subsequent BS they do to women’s bodies. I had a partial (if you want to call having ONE ovary left out of everything “partial”) hysterectomy a dozen years or so ago which was the best decision ever. But then, as one does, all the hot flashes, night sweats, weight gain, mood swings, brain fog and just about EVERY other peri/menopause symptom hit all at once about three years after. Off to my annual exam I go. My fabulous NP at the gyn office started me on a very-low dose estrogen pill. It worked wonders, mostly. This past fall, we decided to up that dosage, and, because I have family history on both sides of cardiac conditions, she switched me over to the transdermal patch. Yay! No more pill taking! And she lived happily ever after, until she didn’t.

Record scratch! Three months into using the wonder that is the estrogen patch, my pharmacy cancelled my refill, without explanation. So I went in to ask what the hell was up? The tech explained that dosage of the patch was on backorder, as in gone, poof, dried up supply, and no clue when they’d have it back in stock. Awesome. Called the doc’s office, and they spent three days tracking down any pharmacy that had access to a supply of the patches. I finally got a call they’d moved my prescription over to Walmart – side bar…..who looks forward to going into Walmart once a month? NOT ME!. But there you have it. Walmart, here I come. Which was great, until it wasn’t. Last week, I went to refill via my lovely app, and it kept getting cancelled. So I once again. march my way into a pharmacy to ask what’s the deal. They too are now out of the dang things, with no idea when they will be able to get them back in stock.

I spent an hour on the phone yesterday. I won’t go into all the details, just suffice it to say it shouldn’t be this hard to get a medication. Like seriously. How are we constantly running out of stock of a med a lot of women rely on? Now, ever since it was first prescribed for me (the estrogen patches, not estrogen in general), I have been seeing ads all over the place for them. Now, I’m grateful there is finally real conversation around perimenopause and menopause. I’m also totally on board with women taking those conversations and advocating for themselves with their doctors, asking questions of the experts, getting what they need. The fact we as women have been dealing with so much for so long, and been told “sorry about your luck” for forever is utter BS. It’s ridiculous our symptoms have been chalked up to something we just have to put up with. No one researching, no one discussing, no one really talking to us about our options, much less giving us space to feel the feels about this stage of life.

What I’m thinking is so completely sus is not being able to get the transdermal patches. I have to have this version of estrogen, particularly due to the deep family history of cardiac issues. I don’t have the option to take the pills, and I don’t like the potential of problems using the cream or gel form. Why can’t we get this? Why is it on backorder everywhere? I’ve heard numerous things. One, the demand is so much higher because we are talking more about menopause and women are asking for the estrogen patches. Two, women know to ask for the patches because of the increase in targeted ads. Have you seen these ads? They’re all over my social media and tv, as well as in my podcasts feed. Yay drugs for women getting attention! Booo that attention is making it nearly impossible for me to get my prescription filled. Three, and this one I heard just this week, the pharmaceutical companies make very little profit on this medication so they aren’t inclined to make a lot of it. Not a money-maker for them, at least until the demand exceeds the supply and then women are doing whatever it takes to be find them and get those prescriptions filled. We are once again paying a tax for being female.

You know if this were a drug for men, it would be readily available, always, and inexpensive. I’m finding it very sus that I’m having to work so hard to keep getting it. And I know I’m not alone. I know one of my sisters and one of my best friends has been going through the same struggle. Why? Is there some secret plot going on to make women of a certain age go completely off the rails? This will be the one thing that will make me go down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories……why estrogen patches are disappearing and estrogen patch prescriptions are incapable of being filled. Nothing else has pushed me around the bend over the last eleven years, but this will do it for sure. WHERE HAS ALL THE ESTROGEN GONE????!!!!

Do I owe it to them?

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Five years ago, give or take, I wrote about a Different Kind of Coming Out in which shared that Little Man, now Z, had come out to us and his friends/school/community as non-binary and pansexual. They changed their name from E to Z. We rode the wave as supportive, loving parents do. The Z quietly slipped away less than a year later, reverting back to E and he/him pronouns. Definitely still in the queer community, and when they got their drivers license, requested the X for their gender. They’ve had a boyfriend for over two years now, but it’s been crickets on the rest, until this past summer. And now I am back in that confused-but-trying parental space of new language, and wondering who I owe what, as far as explanations, conversations, information.

To put it plainly, last summer, Z was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. What that means is the body we see, and what they see when they look in the mirror at themselves does not match the gender they are in their brain. We were unaware of this struggle, but they have told us they have felt this since they were rather young. They are in therapy and have been since this diagnosis. We have met with their therapist with them, and are doing our best to understand and be supportive. This is still our child regardless of gender, sexuality, appearance, name. They did ask to wear makeup – eyeliner and mascara – which we’ve honored. They asked to use a different name, which we’re working on. They asked to start HRT – we’ve said no for now. More on that in a minute.

This isn’t my journey, and yet it is. Because Z – whom we will now call N – lives at home, and is just part of my everyday life, everyday conversations, it is my journey. They come up in regular conversations with friends and acquaintances, with people we see every day/most days and people we see infrequently. Honestly, I don’t know how to talk about them, with most of these people. But then I asked myself, do I owe it to them? Do I owe them our truth, or our truth for now, however that turns out? Do I just use the old name and old pronouns with some because it’s easier rather than going into a very long explanation, or if I believe they may be “unsafe” for my gender dysphoric child? I want to honor my child and who they are, no matter where this journey takes them, but at the same time, I need to protect them. To whom do we owe any explanation about our kids anyways?

I just struggle – one of my own hangups, besides protecting my children, is the comfort of others. I also avoid confrontation of any kind. And, to be honest, not knowing where this path is going to take N makes it challenging for me to just use their new name without any kind of explanation. Sometimes that makes it just easier to use their old name and pronouns so I can avoid any confusion, any conflict, any strangeness. But again, why do I owe the comfort of others more than I owe honoring my own child? I just never know in any given moment of any conversation about this child what I should say and how I should say it. That doesn’t mean to say I am ashamed or embarrassed of this development at all. It’s just not your run-of-the-mill topic, ya know? You don’t run into it every day.

Here’s the other part of the conversation – N is an adult. They are on their own path, as they have always been. We are walking a fine line of being supportive while they work through this, and holding the line on some things. They have asked to do hormone replacement therapy – yes, to transition. We have said not now……and set some boundaries and expectations. We want them to be in therapy for a good while working through all that is and can be as far as their gender dysphoria and what transitioning will mean, physically, mentally, and emotionally. We want to make sure their current wants “stick” if that makes sense. We have also told them we will not be paying for any medications, thus they need to get a full-time job and keep it for longer than six months. They need to show us they are a responsible adult who can truly be independent and take care of themselves. We aren’t there yet on any of those things. We have come to the agreement to use their new name, they/them pronouns, and keep open minds to what they’re going through. What I will not do is tell my child we don’t believe them, don’t accept them, don’t trust them. We have been down the road of them having suicidal ideation before. Once you go through that, it is never far from your mind. I live in a half-fear status when it comes to N. I will not do anything that pushes those thoughts back to the forefront for N, nor will I allow anyone in our lives to potentially push them into that corner. Gender dysphoric/trans people have a very high rate of suicide and I won’t be one whose lack of understanding and support makes my child a statistic. I will protect them at all costs – do whatever it takes to keep them in this world. They are my priority over anyone else’s capacity to care, attempt to understand, or be comfortable.

So if you know us, and suddenly we aren’t talking about E, but rather N, just know this is what it’s about. You may not accept it, you may not approve of it, you may not understand it. This is our truth, our journey, our path. We’ve had the most supportive network and community their entire lives. I’m sure that will hold even with this new path. If I seem lost or confused when my children come up, just know I am processing what words and how in any given moment I speak of them.