Animation and All Things Related

It's funny how memory works. Every single time I've had to do a division problem, I have no idea how to do it despite the fact that I've done it before. And yet, I remember a whole bunch of things that didn't involve subjects I learned in school. For example, I remember that at least one advertisement for this show began with the announcer exclaiming, "Nickelodeon is getting stupid!"

Now chances are that you're thinking, "What show is he referring to?" Well, I'll give you a hint: it's named after a song. And I was introduced to this show before the song, so I thought that the song came from the show as opposed to the show being based on the song.












Okay, I'm just gonna come out and say it: the show that we're reviewing today is Yakkity Yak.


Yakkity Yak is an Australian-Canadian cartoon that premiered on Teletoon and Nickelodeon (only in Australia, apparently, but it must've aired on the US Nickelodeon at SOME point if I remember watching episodes of it) in 2002. One season was produced before it got the ax, then banished to Nicktoons Network for a few years before winding up in the Pit of Obscure Nickelodeon Shows alongside shows like The Xs and The Brothers Flub. Apparently, kids looked at a show about a talking yak whose best friend is a kid with a pineapple for a head and thought, "This looks stupid." I'm guessing that straight-up saying in the ads that by airing this show Nickelodeon was "getting stupid" probably didn't help make the show look watchable.

Does Yakkity Yak hold up? Let's find out! Today we'll be taking a look at the episode... hmmm, let's see, which episode do I watch today? Maybe the one where Yakkity becomes an accurate weather forecaster... due to his grandmother's weather-predicting bunions*? Uh, no thank you... how about "The Yak and the Hat"?


Okay, so "The Yak and the Hat" begins with Yakkity (Lee Tockar) and his pineapple-headed best friend, Keo (Brian Drummond) at school. Keo, who kind of sounds like Cartman by the way, keeps answering the teacher's questions while Yakkity takes a nap. He starts drooling (ugh) and we get a look inside of his dreams.

I know this might be considered a nitpick, but why does Yakkity have antlers? He's a yak, not a moose. Yaks don't have antlers. They have horns. Horns that look nothing like antlers.

In his dream, Yakkity is a big movie star walking the red carpet. A reporter asks him a question - the very same question that the teacher called on him to answer, waking him up. Before Yakkity can think of the answer, Keo answers it, which makes the teacher ask, "Yakkity, why can't you be more like Keo?" Well, for one thing, Mr. Teacher, he doesn't have a pineapple for a head.

No, seriously, what exactly is the deal with  Keo having a pineapple for a head? Is he a mutant? Did he eat a pineapple-flavored Fruit Gusher? Is he a human with a pineapple for a head or a pineapple with a body or WHAT? How did they even come up with this idea? Did somebody say, "Hey, let's give this one character a pineapple for a head!" "Why?" "Well, SpongeBob lives in a pineapple, and everybody loves SpongeBob. Maybe if we include a pineapple somewhere in OUR show, it'll become as popular as SpongeBob!" "My God, it's GENIUS!"

Okay, moving on... we then cut to that night at Yakkity's house. Apparently, Yakkity and his grandmother invited Keo and his dad over. Keo's dad, as it turns out, is a pineapple with a face - no body, just a face. This just raises further questions.

So anyway, Yakkity's grandmother is knitting a hat, and Keo's dad (who sounds like Homer Simpson) is watching a game show called Who Wants to Win a Bunch of Money. Keo manages to correctly guess the answers even when the contestants can't, showing once again just how smart he is. And then we get a demonstration of just how dumb Yakkity is. Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck...

He also has a stereotypical dumb-sounding voice, just in case you didn't get that he was supposed to be one of those cartoon characters that is also a massive idiot.

After Keo gets him unstuck, Yakkity suggests that Keo try out for that game show, but Keo says that he can't because the TV studio is too far away. But then the show's host tells the audience that the show will be coming to their home town, Onion Falls, next week. Ze odds, vhat are zhey?

Alas, Keo is too nervous to do it - doesn't Yakkity remember what happened when Keo won the school history contest? Apparently, he was too afraid to go onstage and accept the award due to stage fright, so Yakkity had to accept it for him. Then Yakkity announced that he'd be thanking the audience on Keo's behalf with a little "rock-em sock-em stand-up comedy"... and promptly got pelted with fruit. Hopefully none of that fruit was a relative of Keo's.

"If only there was a way to combine your know-it-all-noggin with my complete inability to feel shame in front of others!" Yakkity says. Then Keo gets an idea involving the hat Yakkity's grandmother was knitting...

Cut to the game show. The host introduces Contestant Number One, a candy store owner by the name of Mr. HighPants.

His pants have sleeves. Wouldn't that technically make it some sort of bodysuit?

Then he introduces the next contestant, Yakkity. The plan, apparently, is having Keo hide inside the hat, and Yakkity wear the hat, so that Keo can give Yakkity all the answers to the questions that the host asks him. There's a word for this in game shows... what's it called again? Oh yeah, cheating.

"I sure hope the Cat in the Hat doesn't sue us for copyright infringement..."

The host asks Yakkity what the story is with his hat. Yakkity replies that sometimes, his hat sneezes. Uh, okay. "Well," the host says, "I've heard of a THINKING cap, but never a SNEEZING cap!" The audience starts laughing. I, on the other hand, am just sitting here unamused. In fact, at no point thus far has this show gotten a laugh out of me.

I figured that I should include a screencap of the host, so here he is. Nice hairstyle, eh?

So the game begins. Yakkity keeps getting each question right due to Keo's giving him the answers, and soon the host is declaring him their new champion. Of course, he'll have to come back tomorrow for ROUND 2 of Who Wants to Win a Lot of Money.

At school the next day, Yakkity is talking to Keo about how great it is that they're going to win a whole lot of money and do cool things with it. For example, maybe he could buy himself an actual personality so he won't just have "idiot who sucks at stand-up comedy" as a character trait. The other kids are really impressed by Yakkity's smarts, to the point that they dub him even smarter than Keo. This, of course, does not make Keo happy.

Keo's lips are freaking me out.

After Round 2, which Yakkity wins, Keo volunteers Yakkity to answer the teacher's question of "What is the meaning of life?" in order to prove to the class that Yakkity is not, in fact, essentially Albert Einstein and Issac Newton combined.

Don't we all, Zoidberg. Don't we all...

So anyway, Yakkity admits that he doesn't know the answer, which pleases the teacher, as "a true genius is always willing to admit what he doesn't know." "In that case, I am one brainy dude!" Yakkity exclaims, which makes Keo understandably quite frustrated. I mean, Yakkity calling himself "one brainy dude" is like having Leonard Hofstader call himself the coolest person in the world.

After school, Yakkity comes by Keo's house in a truck to drop off Keo's share of the winnings. Keo is excited - that is, until he finds out that the truck isn't full of money. It's full of...  get ready for this... CHEESE. And not just any cheese... INCREDIBLY SMELLY cheese. Because as we all know, just like monkeys, farting, and shouting at the top of your lungs, cheese and things being smelly are automatically hilarious.

Cheese: winning it is only exciting if you're a cartoon mouse.

You see, as Yakkity was leaving the bank with the money that he and Keo won from the game show, he ran into some guy who had a lot of cheese and gave him all of the money in exchange for the cheese. Because as we've established, he's an idiot. "How could you blow all of our winnings without consulting me?!" a rightfully angry Keo demands. "I'M THE BRAINS!" "Well, I'M the personality! And maybe I don't NEED brains!" Yakkity replies stubbornly. Yeah, maybe you don't need brains, Yakkity... after all, you got along just fine before the game show WITHOUT brains.

Apparently, there's one more round of Who Wants to Win a Lot of Money that Yakkity needs to win tomorrow, and Keo tells him that he's not going to help Yakkity cheat his way to victory anymore. So, in the next round, Yakkity has cheese under his hat (for some reason) instead of Keo, and his opponent is... let's make a game out of it, shall we?

Is Yakkity's opponent...
A) Keo
B) Somebody other than Keo
OR C) Somebody other than somebody other than Keo who still isn't Keo

If you guessed A, congratulations! Apparently, wanting to stick it to Yakkity trumps stage fright for Keo.

I don't know why, but I love Keo's expression here. You can tell that he's just as fed up with Yakkity's bullcrap (or should that be YAKcrap?) as I am.

Alas, Keo's stage fright prevents him from answering any of the questions (unless "Ummm..." qualifies as an answer in your book). Meanwhile, Mr. Idiot Yak answers every question with "Cheese?" When the show pauses for a commercial break, Yakkity angrily says that Keo is making him look like a fool. "You're wearing a hat made of cheese. You ARE a fool," Keo replies. I was gonna say "You don't need Keo to make you look like a fool", but I like Keo's comment better. Then, unaware that a cameraman is recording him at the moment, Keo points out that Yakkity would've never won all those previous rounds in the first place if it weren't for the fact that he was hiding in his hat and giving him all of the answers. Uh oh...

The host demands that Yakkity and Keo give them all the money that they won back. Too bad Yakkity stupidly blew it all on cheese.

Then we, um, cut to a different game show, this one a Survivor parody called Survival of the Grossest. The host tells us that tonight on the show, Yakkity and Keo will eat a hat full of cheese in order to win a big cash prize. Apparently, they're planning on giving the prize money to the people in charge of Who Wants to Win a Bunch of Money. The end.

A yak who looks more like a purple moose in a fur coat than a yak and a kid with a pineapple for a head and incredibly red lips eating melted cheese out of a knitted hat on a tropical island. I should be weirded-out by this, but eh, I watched Squirrel Boy so this sort of thing really doesn't surprise me anymore.

I gotta admit, I was expecting Yakkity Yak to suck. It certainly didn't LOOK like a particularly good show. But it was actually better than I thought it would be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a GOOD show. It's not funny, Yakkity is really annoying and not endearing in the slightest, and all the cheese grosses me out. But it's not a BAD show, it's just... mediocre. I wouldn't recommend watching it, but I've seen far worse cartoons.

Boy, most of my reviews are starting to sound the same, aren't they? Squirrel Boy, Corneil and Bernie, Ned's Newt, Class of 3000, this... I review way too many cartoons that are just mediocre. And mediocre cartoons don't really make for particularly funny reviews. Ah well, maybe I'll get more joke material out of the next cartoon that I review... what's next on the list?

Ummmmmmmm...

* I did not make that up. That was an actual episode.

Remember how back in my review of Road Rovers, I said that I would review a cartoon called Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, guess what we're reviewing today!



They're cows. They're anthropomorphic cows. They're dressed like cowboys. There you go. It's a show about anthropomorphic cows that are cowboys.

Okay, so there's more to the show than that. As the theme song explains, a comet - I mean, a "cow-met" - landed in the Southwestern United States, and everything on the mesa that it created was "cow-metized" by the light and evolved into a "bovipomorphic" state - in other words, now they can walk around on their hind legs, they can talk, they wear clothes, they presumably can also solve complex math problems, stuff like that. And they decided to create a city called "Moo Mesa" and act like humans did in the old west. There. Now you're all caught up.

But is the show any good? I don't know, I've never watched a single episode until now. So we'll be watching an episode of the show today.

That episode is known as "Dances With Bulls". How can anybody dance with bulls? They've got two left feet!









I know, I know, but I just couldn't resist.

There's a swingin' party goin' on down at the local saloon. Four sheep who look like rejected Chuck E. Cheese animatronics are playing music on the stage, Mayor Bulloney is excited because he's just been re-elected, and the buffet is all-you-can-eat (for just two bits).

This is Mayor Bulloney. Is it just me, or does he look less like a bull and more like a purple rabbit with horns?

"It sure was nice of the mayor to give us all the money he taxed out of the townsfolk just for the heck of it!"

And because it's a cartoon, the buzzard (voiced by Danny Mann) looks more like a vulture than a buzzard. This is what a buzzard looks like:


Now, here's the buzzard in this show plus some more cartoon buzzards:


Do all animators just think that buzzards and vultures are the same thing or something?

The giant scorpion is in my opinion the best of the three shady-lookin' fellas. Why? Because he's voiced by Jim Cummings. Obviously.

I also like his design. He kinda reminds me of Pepe the King Prawn from The Muppets.

Marshall's not heading inside the saloon because he just heard about some cattle rustlers a-rustlin' nearby. But he does give Lily a burlap hat as a birthday present. She thinks it's hideous, but like she says, it's the thought that counts.

Inside the saloon, another female cow named Cowlamity Kate (Kay Lenz) - which is an even LOUSIER pun - tries to improve the hat by adding Lily's grandmother's brooch to it. She, too, looks less like a cow and more like a human being with a cow's face.

In fact, she kind of looks like Francine from Arthur...

But then the party is interrupted by... Bill the Lizard from Alice in Wonderland and his brothers!

Look at the expression that the one on the left has right now. That's an "I'm an idiot" expression right there.

Actually, these guys I guess are supposed to be Gila Monsters (despite the fact that they don't look anything like actual Gila Monsters), seeing as a pig who looks like Porky in cowboy garb calls them the "Gila Hooligans". They're the kind of bandits who'll demand that you hand over your stuff to them, but do it in a polite fashion. And the leader has a Shere Khan-esque voice that I believe is ALSO provided by Jim Cummings, but I could be wrong.

"This is an outraaaaaaaaaaage!" the mayor complains. The Gila Monsters steal Lily's brooch - and her hat - then apologize to the mayor for any inconvenience that they've caused. The three shady fellas from before - you know, Terrorbull, the buzzard and the giant scorpion - emerge from the backroom and try to fight the Gila Monsters, but they don't have much luck.

The Gila Monsters leave, and the townsfolk run out after them. The mayor isn't going to let those reptiles walk off with the money that HE stole from the townsfolk and therefore is legally his. "There's only one bull in Cowtown who can return my cash and bring those desperados to justice!" he says. "I need the strongest, the bravest, the most trustworthy bull alive!" That bull is Marshall Moo Montana. Terrorbull is all, "But I can catch those lizards no problem!" but the mayor's all "I want this job done RIGHT. Get me Marshall Moo Montana!"

We then cut to the three titular C.O.W.-Boys overlooking the desert. "If I know anything about gilas, it's that they're shady characters who like the heat!" Marshall Moo Montana says. Dakota, who's ALSO voiced by Jim Cummings (which automatically makes him awesome), goes "Yup."

"Quick-Draw McGraw can suck it. I'M the best anthropomorphic farm animal cowboy in all of animation!" (I'm just joking, of course. Quick-Draw rules)

Specifically, they're being watched by the Terrorbull, the buzzard and the scorpion of unusual size. Terrorbull tells the buzzard and the scorpion to follow Dakota and Tenderfoot. "If Montana thinks he's gonna humiliate me by catching those hooligans first," he growls, "He's got another thing coming!"

We then cut to the Gila Monsters just chillin' in the middle of the desert. Both Montana and Terrorbull are watching them from behind rocks. Oh yeah, and one of the Gila Monsters sounds like Wakko Warner. I don't know if it's Jess Harnell or not, just thought I would point that out...

Montana emerges from behind the rock with his gun in the air, and he's all "You're gonna be behind bars!" Then Terrorbull is all, "NOT SO FAST, MONTANA! I'M gonna bring these guys to justice!" But the Gila Monsters are able to outwit them, tie them up, and leave them in the middle of the desert where they'll be roasted by the scorching heat. And then it's off to McDonald's with them!

Terrorbull blames Montana for the mess that they've gotten themselves in. However, Montana points out that he punctured a hole in one of the Gila Monsters' saddlebags, and as a result coins and jewels have spilled out. They'll use those coins and jewels to find the Gila Monsters. Terrorbull has other ideas, though - he tries to make a boulder fall on top of them in the hopes that it'll free them, but the boulder misses - which is for the best, in my opinion, because I think that had it fallen on them the result wouldn't have been two freed cows but rather two squashed cows. Hasn't the red bull seen any Wile E. Coyote cartoons?

Montana insists that they've gotta work together - and he's got a plan. Terrorbull's all "NO WAY!", but then he sees non-anthropomorphic buzzards circling overhead (bringing us back to the whole "there are anthropomorphic horses AND non-anthropomorphic horses? Isn't that weird?" thing from before) and he changes his mind. The plan, as it turns out, involves them dancing. Don't ask.

"This is, without a doubt, THE strangest date that I have ever been on."

I'm just now realizing that this is why the episode is called "Dances With Bulls".

Then we cut to Tenderfoot playing a guitar and singing about how the sun is too dang hot. He and Dakota are concerned because Montana still hasn't shown up. Tenderfoot asks to climb onto Dakota's shoulders so he can get a closer look, but instead Dakota lifts him up by one of his horns. As a result, Tenderfoot spots Montana and Terrorbull rehearsing for Dancing With the Steers (get it? It's like Dancing With the Stars, but it's... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny) - and there are storm clouds arriving in the area! So they hop aboard their horses and ride off to help Montana.

Meanwhile, Montana and Terrorbull are sweltering in the heat. Then we hear Jim Cummings singing about the situation. Why, I don't know, but I'm not going to complain that we get to hear Jim Cummings sing. It's a well-known fact that if something has Jim Cummings singing in it, it's automatically a hundred times better.

Anyway, Terrorbull starts hallucinating. He sees a cactus as a fountain (which results in the predictable "ha ha, he just sat on a cactus" gag) and a signpost as a giant ice pop (and promptly gets splinters in his tongue. OUCH!).

"Duh, giant ice pop!"

Then we cut back to the saloon. The mayor's ticked-off that Montana hasn't returned with the money, but Lily insists that he'll be back.

Back to Montana and his dance partner. They see the twister coming their way and Montana comes up with a plan that just winds up causing them to fall into the river. Fortunately, Tenderfoot and Dakota overhear them and Dakota's able to get them out.

And now, here's a screencap of Dakota for no other reason than because we haven't had one yet:

I think he's my favorite character in the cartoon.

Then Montana and Terrorbull spot the Gila Monsters robbing a stagecoach. After the horse helps Montana get his gun, he and Terrorbull try to stop the Gila Monsters, only for the leader to point out that it's three against one. Well, actually, it's three against two, but then again, Terrorbull doesn't have a gun, so maybe they're not counting him?

Montana uses his gun to help him and Terrorbull get free. Now it really IS three against two... no, make that three against FOUR, as Tenderfoot and Dakota show up. And then the buzzard and the giant scorpion show up too, so it's three against SIX! And the leader of the Gila Monsters makes this pose that reminds me of Marvin the Martian.

"You're making me VERY angry... very, VERY angry..."

"Y U MAD, MAYOR?"

So, that was Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa. It was alright. Not great, but alright. The characters are all tolerable enough, though I'm kind of miffed that Tenderfoot and Dakota didn't get more to do. Especially Dakota. He's awesome. The voice actors all do a good job, with Jim Cummings per usual stealing the show. I don't really have any complaints, I just found the show just okay.

Before we end this review, I suppose I'd better make this obvious but pretty much mandatory (since it's about cows) joke:

It needed more cowbell.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know...

Let me start off this review by talking about a show that is not the show I am reviewing today: Zoboomafoo.


Zoboomafoo premiered on PBS Kids in 1999. It starred the Kratt Brothers, Chris and Martin, alongside a lovable lemur named Zoboo (portrayed as both a real lemur and a puppet performed by Gordon Robinson). They hung out in this place called Animal Junction where all sorts of animals came to play, teaching the viewers about animals and their behaviors and stuff like that. The show only had two seasons, but it feels like it ran for much longer than that.


When I was younger, I loved the heck out of Zoboomafoo. It was one of my favorite shows. I have this show to thank for introducing me to more obscure animal species. The phrases "Mangatsika!" and "I can't believe my mind!" took up permanent residence in my brain. I got merchandise, too - CD roms and a Zoboo plush and I think a book or two. I taped episodes (this was before the TiVo came out). If I were to ever make a list of my favorite fictional lemurs, Zoboo would definitely be at the top (alongside Treelo and King Julien, of course). Alas, I don't think Zoboomafoo is airing anymore. But you can find a few episodes on YouTube, so there's that.

Zoboomafoo is one of a few different shows that the Kratt Brothers starred in. The first was Kratts' Creatures (which I haven't seen a single episode of). Then after Zoboomafoo they made a show called Be the Creature (which I also haven't seen a single episode of). And then, in 2011, out came the show that we're looking at today: Wild Kratts.


Wild Kratts, like Zoboomafoo, premiered on PBS Kids. The show features animated versions of the Kratt Brothers (voiced by them and everything!) going on adventures and saving animals from threats. They are helped by three kids named Aviva (voiced by Athena Karkanis), Jimmy Z (Jonathan Malen), and Koki (Heather Brambrick). And they have these "creature power suits" that give them the abilities of different animals. So far, the show has had six seasons and is still running today!

Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed that they didn't include Zoboo in the show. I mean, I can understand why they didn't (I mean, they didn't include that Ttark guy from Kratts' Creatures in Zoboomafoo), but it just feels wrong for me seeing the Kratt Brothers without Zoboo around.
But hey, I shouldn't judge the show simply because it doesn't have Zoboo in it. So let's watch an episode and see if I'll be wild for Wild Kratts. Specifically, we'll be looking at an episode called "The Mystery of the Weird-Looking Walrus".

The episode begins with Chris telling the viewer that some animals have really funny faces. Including Martin, who's making a "moose face" into a mirror for some reason. This part is all in live-action, by the way.

Then a real moose shows up, and Chris goes on about how strange the moose's face looks. The moose doesn't show it, but deep down I bet its feelings are hurt by Chris' remarks. Why do you have to hurt the moose's feelings, Chris?

"This camera smells like... well, a camera."

Chris and Martin talk some more about the moose and its big nose and lips that help it eat foliage. "That fun-looking face is PERFECT for what the moose eats!" Chris announces. "You know, even the weirdest-looking animals usually have a REASON for looking the way they do!" I dunno about that... I mean, what kind of reason could, Donald Trump have for looking the way HE does?

Then Martin brings up another animal that looks weird - the walrus! He and Chris start talking about how weird walruses look - the tusks, the blubbery bodies, the whiskers, the "humongous lips"...

Look, the walrus is hurt by your comments, too! Stop making animals feel bad, Kratt Brothers!

Why does Cartoon Martin look like Ron from Kim Possible?

"Do any of you folks out there ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

Are they hunting for underwater truffles or something?

All together now: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW...

"I know I said I wanted to be under the sea in an octopus' garden, but this is RIDICULOUS!"

Then we cut to this giant sea turtle-shaped building underwater where the three kid sidekicks are watching the Kratt Brothers' antics on a giant TV. Aviva asks if they're okay, to which Martin replies, "We're having a blast! Uh, just a little tangled up!" "You mean TENTACLED up!" Chris jokes. "Giant pacific's tentacles can grow up to THIRTY-ONE FEET! That's as long as a fire truck!" Uh, Chris, this is just my opinion, but maybe you should save the animal facts for when you're NOT about to be eaten by a giant cephalopod?

Aviva says that she needs more data if she wants to integrate walrus powers into the Kratts' suits. Chris uses his "Creature Pod" to learn that the octopus isn't going to eat them - they eat clams (among other things, but indeed, octopus eat clams but do not eat humans). "I! Think! I! Found! Some!" Martin groans as the octopus repeatedly slams his head against the ocean floor. Indeed, Martin finds a clam which they use to distract the octopus, which promptly lets them go. "Now THAT'S using your head!" Chris exclaims. Ba-dum-KSSSSSSSSSSSH.

The Kratts watch the octopus eat the clam, which makes me hungry for clams myself. Wait, is it wrong for me to talk about eating animals in a review of a show about how great animals are?

Back to the kids. They talk about how pearls are formed in clams, then Aviva tells Chris and Martin to get finding out information about walruses. "Weird-looking walrus, here we come!" Martin says as they ride off on their manta ray-shaped things. I'm still not thrilled by the fact that they're calling walruses "weird-looking". Maybe I shouldn't be offended because I myself am not a walrus, but you know what? I am. Walrus-shaming is NOT COOL, guys.

Then we cut to... um, this.

What, have we stumbled upon Frosty the Snowman's summer home or something?

Then we cut to this evil dude (Zachary Bennett) talking to another villain (Eva Almos) in his secret lair, which happens to be in a yacht.

"Hello, I'm Generic Cartoon Supervillain, and I'll be your antagonist for this episode."

Generic Cartoon Supervillain shows off the arctic pearl that his robot stole and Discount Cruella is all over it. She claims that it'll be perfect for her new line of pearl-encrusted sweatpants. Because apparently there's a real demand for that lately. She asks if he can get more. "Well," Generic Cartoon Supervillain says, "If my calculations are correct, there's a huge untapped source of pearls under the Bering Sea, which will cost us NOTHING and make ME... I mean, US... millions!" Yeah, okay, I get it, you guys are evil, where the heck are the Kratt Brothers?

Oh, there they are. They're watching the walruses use their tusks like sled-runners to slide across the mucky ocean floor. They're looking for something, but WHAT? Chris points out that walruses have four hundred and fifty whiskers - "Give or take a couple."

Back at the Kratts' sea turtle building, Jimmy Z (who's pretty much a discount Shaggy Rogers) claims that you can't find things with nose hairs. To prove that the walruses' whiskers are indeed very useful, Aviva dumps Jimmy's "controller" into his pudding. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Alas, now we have to see what the evil dude is up to. He's found out that there's a whole pile of clams under his yacht. Unfunny shenanigans ensue and he winds up tossing the pearl overboard. Then he orders his robots to find it. When the robots go underwater, they wind up spooking the walruses, resulting in a WALRUS STAMPEDE!

Even underwater, Black Friday is considered a big deal.

Well, actually, no. They just suck the clams out of their shells with one giant slurp. Huh.

The baby walrus (they're still calling him "Blobby", by the way) can't find his own clams yet, so his mom is feeding him. Chris decides that he wants to get this all on film, but the robots are watching them!

The robots' eyes somehow pick up footage of the walruses eating, and this gives Mr. Evil Dude an idea: "I can use the seal-thingies to pick up the arctic pearl!" he says. "Then they can suck all the clams in the sea to get the rest of them!"

"How many can they eat in one sitting?" Martin asks as the walruses keep on chowing down. "Over five thousand!" Chris exclaims. Dang, if only he'd said "Over NINE thousand", then I could've made a reference to that meme... eh, what the heck?


Now the Kratt Brothers know why walruses are so blubbery... and why they're so "weird-looking". Again with the walrus-shaming! Why are they so insistent on mocking walruses?!

Chris recaps everything they've learned: the tusks drag through the mud, the whiskers feel for clams, and their big-lipped mouths suck the clams out of their shells. Now Aviva can add walrus powers to their creature power suits! Yay...

"Hey, Chris, we've got another mystery to solve," Fred Jones... I mean, Martin says, pointing at the robots that have been spying on them. The robots swim off, and the Kratt Brothers discover that their "Manta-Riders" (that's what they call those manta ray-shaped things) were destroyed in the walrus stampede. They'll need to activate their creature power suits, which now have been equipped with walrus-swimming power!

Those suits look like they would be extremely hard to swim in...

Also, the other characters know about Zach. Is he a recurring villain?

Soon the robots have equipped all the walruses with mind-control helmets to make them find clams. They've also installed a conveyor belt that they can use to get the clams to the surface. Quick question, how does a conveyor belt work underwater? And he's got MORE mind-controlled walruses sucking the clams open! I didn't think anything could top walrus-shaming, but walrus-brainwashing? THAT'S diabolical! And he's force-feeding them, too! I hope the Kratt Brothers kick his butt.

Martin has a plan: with their walrus suits, they can infiltrate the chain, and fortunately they're able to do just that because the evil dude, as Martin puts it, "can't tell a walrus from a wombat". And the mind-control helmets that the robots put on them don't work because they don't have walrus brains.

Then Discount Cruella shows up in her pink jetplane (which apparently travels at the "speed of style") and demands her giant pearl. Evil dude fills her in on what's going on and tells her that the walruses stole the pearl. For obvious reasons, she doesn't believe him. Then Martin finds the arctic pearl in one clam and loudly announces it to everyone. Uh-oh...

"That sounded like a Wild Ratt!" the evil dude says (apparently, he calls the Kratt Brothers "Wild Ratts"). Then Discount Cruella points out to him that the Kratt Brothers are hiding among the walruses.

"Uh, we can explain..."

Fortunately, with their walrus powers, Chris and Martin are able to find the pearl before the robots can... but then Martin loudly announces that Chris found it and the robots overhear. D'oh. Long story short, they wind up destroying the robots, the third one with the help of that octopus from before. But the walruses underwater are in trouble! They can't go too long without air - specifically, they can't go longer than twenty minutes. And it's been fourteen! They have to do something about the mind control device. Aviva helps them crack its code, which shuts the thing off and snaps the walruses out of their trance, allowing the ones underwater to surface for air.

Since March of the Penguins was such a big hit, the studio immediately greenlit a spinoff movie. Thus, expect March of the Walruses to waddle into a theater near you. Dang it, now I actually want someone to make a movie called March of the Walruses...

The walruses, thankfully, remember that their heads can smash through the ice and promptly do just that. The evil dude is holding the baby walrus hostage as a last resort, but as we all know, you should never get in between a wild animal and their baby, and, well...

Discount Cruella runs back onto her jet and becomes a Karma Houdini. The evil dude is stuck on a pointy iceberg. The mystery has been solved. Chris and Martin recap what they've learned today. In fact, I think I'll do that, too.

So, what HAVE we learned today? Well, we've learned that the walruses' blubbery body keeps them warm underwater. We learned that they use their giant tusks a la sled-runners along the sea bottom. We learned that they use their whiskers to find clams in the muck. We learned that they use their big, powerful lips to suck the clams into their mouths. And we learned that they they can use their super-strong heads to smash through ice.

"Walruses look the way they do because of where they live, what they eat, and how they get it!" Chris summarizes. Likewise, Jimmy is covered in chocolate pudding because of what HE eats and how HE gets it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Back to the live-action Kratts. They talk about how much they love weird-looking creatures and finding out why they look that way, then start listing off other weird-looking animals, such as elephants, warthogs, and anteaters. "All weird faces, all for a purpose," Chris says. "And there's nothing weird about THAT!" Martin adds.

"You know," Chris admits as they watch the moose from before eat, "Maybe they think WE'RE the weird ones..." The episode ends with the Kratts encouraging us to go out there on a creature adventure of our own. Go find animals with weird-looking faces. Like Donald Trump!

I know, I know... isn't it kind of hypocritical for me to make fun of Donald Trump's appearance after going on and on about how it was wrong for the Kratts to talk about how weird-looking moose and walruses are? Well, maybe a little... but hey, it's Donald Trump. He's earned the right to be made fun of.

I was pleasantly surprised by Wild Kratts. It doesn't have the same charm to it as Zoboomafoo, but it's all in all a pretty good show. Not spectacular, but good. For a show intended for the same audience as something like Dora the Explorer, it's nice that it doesn't talk down to its audience or get too saccharine or cutesy-wutesy. My only complaints are that the villain was kinda lame and the kid sidekicks could get a bit annoying. And it definitely needed some Zoboo. But aside from that, it's a decent show.

And remember: walrus-shaming is NOT COOL. And neither is walrus-brainwashing.

P.S. Is it just me, or does Chris Kratt sound very much like Scott Weigner?

Once upon a time, there was a show called Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends. It premiered on Cartoon Network in 2004, and was an immediate success. Millions loved it. Fansites were made. Six seasons were produced. One character even became the mascot of sorts for Cartoon Network.

Remember THESE billboards?

And I soon discovered that it really didn't hold up.

What's the main problem with the show? I can sum it up in one sentence: IT'S NEEDLESSLY MEAN-SPIRITED. Are you familiar with the trope "Sadist Show"? A "Sadist Show" is when a TV show relies entirely on being needlessly cruel and mean-spirited. Very few episodes end on a positive note, the characters are all unsympathetic jerks, and about ninety-seven percent of the jokes focus on abusing them. Examples of "Sadist Shows" include Family Guy from Season 4 onward, South Park, Robot Chicken, and The Big Bang Theory. Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends is, to put it bluntly, a "Sadist Show". All of the characters are unlikable and it seriously seems as though no one can win.

Don't believe me? Today we'll be watching the episode "Beat With a Shtick". Perhaps a more fitting title for this episode would've been "Everybody Hates Bloo".

The episode begins with Bloo (Keith Ferguson) making the other imaginary friends laugh by doing impressions of them. "YOUR BRAND OF COMEDY ENTERTAINS US!" one imaginary friend (voiced by Tom Kenny doing a bad Indian accent) cheers. He tells a joke about dinosaurs to an imaginary friend who looks like a dinosaur (and who I'm pretty sure is ALSO voiced by Tom Kenny*). Then a very tall imaginary friend simply known as "The New Guy" (Phil LaMarr) comes by and Bloo does that "how's the weather up there?" joke. The New Guy then grabs Bloo and angrily says, "YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY FUNNY, HUH?!"

Shouldn't this guy be stomping through the City of Townsville?

Hey, here's a fun game we could play. It's called "Have a Sip of Water Every Time You Hear a Character Voiced By Tom Kenny or Grey Griffin". Hope you have a very large bottle of water nearby.
Bloo is oddly not too concerned about the New Guy planning to pummel him. Another imaginary friend voiced by Tom Kenny tells Bloo that the new guy is from "Looneytown". Then an imaginary friend voiced by Grey Griffin adds that he was "created by some deranged looney". Bloo rudely tells them that they're boring him and that he's "tough and gritty". "Blooregaurd Q. Kazoo isn't afraid of nobody or nothing!" he insists. Then he sees the New Guy chasing after another imaginary friend and realizes, hey, he's in big trouble.

Long story short, he winds up hiding under the New Guy's bed with Eduardo (Tom Kenny). What's Eduardo doing there? He's apparently hiding from the New Guy as well (so why are you hiding in his ROOM?). "I heard that he once left a guy in stitches!" he says.

He kind of looks like a rejected Muppet, doesn't he?

The New Guy finds Bloo and Eduardo, and Bloo tricks Ed into letting the New Guy beat him up while he makes a run for it. Bloo is such a good friend, isn't he?

Anyhow, Bloo tries to hide in a laundry basket, but then he gets dumped down a laundry chute into the laundry room and winds up in a washing machine. Wilt (Phil LaMarr) lets him out and then Bloo fills him in on what's going on. Wilt - who's intended to be the show's nicest character - goes into a rant about how much he hates "tall jokes" (because Wilt himself is very tall) and how Bloo deserves to be beaten up by the New Guy. Totally in-character, right?

Wilt is having none of your DARING TO BE AFRAID OF BEING BEATEN UP, Bloo.

As if Madame Foster wasn't being enough of a donkey's rear end already, she and Coco then calculate Bloo's chances of defeating the New Guy. And she and the other imaginary friends are BETTING ON WHETHER OR NOT BLOO IS BEATEN UP.

Then Eduardo shows up, and he's angry at Bloo for leaving him to get beaten up. And then we get... uh, a random Imagine Spot with Bloo in a pitch-black room, hearing screams from every direction before the New Guy arrives and chases after Bloo with multiple weapons.

So, yeah. A character in a CHILDREN'S TV SHOW spends much of the episode fearing for his life. You know, for kids!

Alas, Mr. Herriman trips on him and spots him with his monocle, meaning that Bloo's plan has been foiled. Mr. Herriman announces that Bloo shall be expelled from the house... which flies in the face of their agreement with Mac (who hasn't shown up in this episode yet)... that is, if he can prove to Madame Foster that what he did warrants it (which I don't think it does). This gives Bloo an idea - if he's expelled from the house, the New Guy won't be able to beat him up, right? So he brings up another nasty thing he did recently. Specifically, he put hot sauce in everyone's tacos the other night and framed another imaginary friend named Jolly Buttons. "We had him deported," a shocked Mr. Herriman says.

Bloo brings up a bunch of other past misdeeds, then adds that he's getting in a fight this afternoon. With the New Guy. Then Mr. Herriman changes his tune and ALLOWS THE FIGHT TO HAPPEN IN THE HOPES THAT THE NEW GUY WILL DESTROY BLOO.

"Ha ha, you're gonna get beaten up!"

Then Mac (Sean Marquette) finally shows up. I would like to take this moment to point out that Mac's voice is A) annoying and B) unfitting for a character that's intended to be eight years old. Anyhow, the New Guy shows up as Bloo is explaining to Mac what's going on and scares the pants off of Mac and Bloo. Mac suggests that Bloo make a run for it, and after he brings up Terrence, Bloo gets an idea. "We're gonna fight fire with fire!" he tells Mac.

Bloo's idea is to have Terrence (Tara Strong) beat up the New Guy. He agrees to it after Bloo says that if he does, Terrence will be allowed to beat up Mac - and also Mac will have to wear this t-shirt that Bloo made.

Comic Sans? Seriously?

You know, Bloo being a massive jerk doesn't make the other characters taking sadistic pleasure in seeing him get beaten up any less awful.

Mr. Herriman literally kicks Bloo outside, where the New Guy is waiting... and it turns out that the New Guy's not gonna beat Bloo up. Instead, he uses the mallet to smash a watermelon, which gets watermelon all over Bloo - making him "blue and red all over". "I told you I was gonna give you something to laugh about!" the New Guy says cheerfully. It's all part of his act - he's a prop comic! All those other guys - Eduardo, Terrence, etc. - he was just practicing his material on them. "I mean, I'm just an amateur, and you're, like, the funniest friend in the whole house!"

So what's Bloo's opinion on the New Guy's act? He thinks it's lame. The New Guy then clobbers him. "That is the best punchline he has delivered all day!" Eduardo quips, and then the episode ends.

Okay, maybe this isn't the worst episode of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends that I've ever seen, but it's still a pretty big indicator as to what's wrong with the show. The Flash animation is pretty fluid, but that's the only good thing I can say about it. It's just needlessly mean-spirited. All of the characters - with the exception of Mac - in this episode are ungodly unlikable. Even if Bloo's acting like a jerk, and the New Guy wasn't going to harm him, seeing the entire house treat Bloo so crappily just gave the entire episode an necessarily harsh and cold feeling. Maybe I could forgive this if the episode were at least funny, but it isn't.

Now, I know that there are a lot of people that like this show. And if you like it, that's fine. I just don't think the show holds up very well.

* I checked the credits, it's actually Keith Ferguson.