Abdul-Alim's Blog

• “Hey what about Shaykh So-and-so…I enjoy listening to his lectures”, I said.

“….but he’s a sufi…..so you have to be careful,” said a fellow convert.

This Shaykh is a popular American convert shaykh. His lectures touched me more so than others, I admit.

• “No I’m not going to inquire about them anymore, my Shaykh says they are Salafi”, a friend said.

“They” are a popular Islamic course and seminar program which originated in the West. Southeast Asian countries have started to host them and their scholars.

• “They are cults. The party members have been brainwashed into following their corrupt leaders”

The political scene is indeed dirty and full of crooks; while I do not agree fully to the Islamic parties’ actions I do respect them in trying to apply Islam into how we run our country. Most of their higher level staff are ustadz/ustadzahs active in dakwah. I’ve received beneficial lessons in their lectures.

• “The liberals are tarnishing our deen. They mock the sharia, the prophets, and Allah’s words. They are truly evil.”

The so-called liberals may have been peculiar in their thinking, but some of their arguments do have merit. Their speakers often say stupid things but sometimes blind fanaticism need to be criticised.

• “See those people? They are backward, poor, incapable of living in modern society. Look at how they dress. Those extremists”

From my encounters with muslims in the public space, the conservatives (big beard, big jilbabs, niqabs) have been some of the kindest persons I’ve met. They do not hesitate to give out things like food, gifts, etc to this convert to Islam stranger. They are so happy meeting converts.

• “That masjid? Hmm I don’t know, the women there don’t even respect the House of Allah. They walk around uncovered like that.”

This masjid is actively engaged in the general community including interfaith. While the congregants are somewhat loose in following the shariah (which again depends on your perspective), being welcoming to visitors, engaging the community are things all masjids/communities can learn to do better. They are well managed and the website is constantly updated. One would feel welcome at this Islamic center.

The above are some statements I’ve ran into in various Muslim communities home and abroad. Sometimes I just wonder if we can take the good in every situation and discard the bad. Just in my opinion the Muslim community can be in much better state if we can stop pointing fingers and talk bad about others you don’t agree with.

A while ago I came across a quote from a shaykh (a Salafi-Wahabi depending on who you ask): “People are mostly occupied with their lives: work, finances, relationships, children, family. If they want to get a liiiiitle bit closer to Allah than that is very commendable. It is upon us whether to help him or not.” Imagine if they are faced with such conflicting reports on which communities are the “correct” one, or which masjids are the “best”. I can’t help but think most of our non-practicing brothers and sisters simply don’t want to deal with the B.S. that sometimes the practicing Muslims deal with.

To this day only a select few people know I am a Muslim.

Recently I was talking to my close lady friend. She has been a friend for a long time, and when I accepted Islam it made things awkward. But regardless, a few nights a go I talked about myself. Not about the choices that I made, but the events that made me the way I am now as a person.

It turned into a reveal of how my childhood was and my relationship with my family. It slowly went into a blaming game towards my family. To be honest, I hurted. I am reading a book about being introverted and many share the pains. We have told that we are different. Weird. Closed. Years and years of being led to believe that you are not as “normal” as others because you are so quiet. Also being the only son, I feel that my life was largely determined by what my family expects of me.

Talking about it felt good. So does the realization that I’m not alone. That other introverts went through the same pains. That (many) others are unsatisfied with their parents. Alhamdulillah my stance is more towards understanding and not blaming. And  from the articles I’ve read (there are countless articles written about relationships with parents) psychologists tend to say it is better since nothing can change the past, we just to face the present and the future.

I then realized the uproar made when I told my family I wanted to became Muslim was part of their feeling of losing control of me. It was not what they wanted. Even if that was what I wanted, it was not theirs. Suddenly this possessiveness became clear to me. 

With this realization I wanted to find the solution. Right now I still live and work with my family. I am the “one” that they prepared to carry on both the family name and the company they built for decades. But I also want to be myself. Sometimes I felt the need to take a break for a little bit; to have a change of scenery (unlike 20+ in the West, we live with our family until we get married).

Personally I find it hard to change. Me and my parents find it hard to communicate. We rarely talk the “talk”. The ones that made you think and reflect about life and relations. Heck, for all these times I’ve never had any advice about being a man.

So I wonder do we need to change? Are all that pain and un-ideal situations growing up need to be made up? Or should we just understand the circumstances that people are not ideal and don’t live ideal lives and move on from here?

It is hard to change them for they have lived decades being who they are. It is also hard for me to change with all the baggage and how it has shaped who I am now.

And what happens when what you choose to be is in direct opposite of what they want you to be?

Realize that I am not specifically talking about the predicament of being a Muslim convert, but life in general. Choosing Islam is obviously a huge hurdle, but I think similar situations happen when they choose to work, live, or marry those their parents disapprove.

It’s New Year’s time. The time where people are considering which parties to go to. Which clubs offered the coolest stuff, whatever that “stuff” means.

I don’t know why but I’ve never been attracted to nightlife or adult entertainment as they say. I guess considering Islam in the growing years played a part, but those things never intrigued me. I’ve heard stories where teenagers couldn’t wait to try alcohol. Couldn’t wait to get into a nightclub; using fake IDs to go in was a too common story.

But I have to admit is is tough. Figuring out what to do at weekend nights when friends are hanging out with cigarettes/bottles of booze in hand. In the Western culture (or Westernized ones), going out drinking and chilling is the “proper” entertainment. In business it is considered the manner of entertaining your guests with alcohol. The same applies to parties.

Choosing a life where alcohol is banned definitely goes against the stream.

Same does with women. I have to admit I still struggle in terms of relationship: personal belief choice and the differences it might produce, the do’s and don’ts when you are with someone of the opposite gender, etc.

Again, having a set of values that encourage modesty, chastity, and holiness of marriage does make you feel alienated when your environment sees pre-marital relations as part of life.

Not that I am complaining. I am grateful that I am spared of all the crazy consequences and drama that those stuff produce. But it does make you feel as a stranger. Our Prophet (SAW) said that we would become strangers.

I’m not the one who makes resolutions, but for the year ahead I pray. I pray that..I can be defined not by the above mentioned things that I don’t do. That I am not defined by that “uncool” guy who doesn’t party, drink, or hang around with women. But that I am committed and dedicated in what I do. That I do not waste any time in useless and harmful activities. That I respect everyone: men, women, rich or poor, with equal respect and dignity. To have amanah in what obligations and commitments I am given. I pray that I can hold fast in the right path. That I can be patient in dealing with the temptations that hit us all year long. Our religion was sent to perfect these characters. I pray that I can make it show.

Recently my last unmarried sister tied the knot. Naturally this prompted all my relatives to ask the question, “So when is your turn?” I guess that is what happens in most Asian families. They love it when people get married because of the festivities and the expectations of having children.

Although nobody is pushing me (I’m not near the age of desperation yet), the issue of marriage has crept at the back of my mind. Being still a “closet” Muslim makes it tougher to get into serious relationships. Not that it is something encouraged as we know Islam does have strict code regarding boy-girl relationships.

Also being a Muslim with those regulations, we are naturally inclined to channel our needs and desires in the halal way. I guess that is why marriage is the most favorite and/or sensitive topic among youngsters. Tons of articles and books are out there on this topic starting on what to look for in a spouse, how to conduct Islamic wedding, up until how to raise good kids.

But it seems like in the Muslim communities, we are still unclear on how to go about the process. Some take the milder, girlfriends-are-ok mentality. That as long as you don’t cross the lines (set between the couples of course), then it is fine. I think this is the most common occurence. These group consider praying together with the guy as imam is romantic.

Some more conservative groups shun that mindset. They strictly view that girlfriends are haraam. You have to lower gaze and never ever touch her nor see her uncovered. Members of these communities often are parts of halaqas or study groups. Often times their teachers/leaders do the search for spouses. Think of it sort of like an arranged marriage. You trust your imaam/teacher to find someone pious for you.

Truth is I’ve seen people who were on one end of the spectrum  to go completely the opposite; they shun the idea of having boyfriends/girlfriends, yet along as they go and grow up they warm up to it or vice versa. Those who had girlfriends go all Shariah when finding their spouse.

Now how do reverts go about this process? We are raised in a non-Muslim upbringing. Members of your own race, which your core and extended family/community will expect you to marry, are 95% non-Muslim. Marrying a Malay (for lack of better word, as we have Javanese/Sundanese/other native ethnicities) itself is a shameful act, let alone a believing-practicing Muslim Malay.

As a revert who started off going by the book, it is confusing to see the Muslims around you go out in the mall hanging out with their girlfriends. It is also foreign to see someone fill out forms for taaruf before even meeting the prospective spouse. Skipping the romancing beforehand and go straight to asking her hand.

I realize that there are still many things to be sorted out before considering marriage, but for you married brothers and sisters, I’d like to know how you went through the process. I hope this is a judgment-free section and you can admit however conservative or free you began :).

I was in the movie theater when the message flashed on my cell phone. “Where are you? Aunt M passed away. We’re heading to her house.” It was my sister. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I stepped out of the theater trying to reach members of my family. Everyone had gone to my aunt’s house. Luckily I was with my good friend that night. He didn’t mind stepping out as well and drove me to join my family.

Nobody had any idea how it happened. She had lived alone for many years, and she was also alone when she passed. The wake ceremony was tough to take, the family was so shocked with this event.

It was only 5 months ago when we gathered at the same hospital to honor a relative, a much elder cousin. I came along when his body was cremated which was a first for me. Yesterday’s burial was a first in many years.

As I hit adulthood, it is sobering to watch people you know pass. I pondered ironically how the two deaths brought us closer as an extended family. My father’s family (and drama) far outnumber my mother’s side, so these two events became a sad get together from my mom’s side.

Since both were Christians with different denominations, I was able to see how they conduct the memorial service. I have also attended my Chinese grandma’s wake and funeral. The Chinese tradition is by far the most complicated. We had to dress in all white with some cut burlap parts. Paper money burnings, fake house burnings complete with its cars, guards, etc.

However I have not had the chance to be in or attend Muslim memorials. What I know is that it is very simple. You wash the body, drape it with cloth, pray, then bury it. What I know also is that normally the body gets buried within 1 day. Sometimes I wonder how they gather the family members and loved ones in that short time.

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Attending wakes and funerals really touched me deeply. All day and night we are exposed with bigger, better, and more expensive things. We live to consume, to enjoy, and to be entertained, and to soak in all the good things because you only live once. But every once in a while everything sort of stops and you reflect. Tragedies flash in the news and you might feel sympathy, but losing one of your own feels different. I ponder about tragedies that took dozens, or even hundreds of lives. I cannot fathom the magnitude of such events, and I hope I can sympathize and empathize more whenever people suffer tragedies.

Many years ago one of the things that opened my eyes was reading a chapter about death in a book about Islam. I do not remember why they talked about this in a book titled “This is Islam,” but it deeply shocked me how this religion teaches us to remember death. I recall the passage, “Whoever wants to soften their hearts, remember death.” It was so profound yet so true. Death is the only certain thing in life, yet we are all raised in an environment that avoids that topic.

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My aunt was a simple woman. She did not have much wealth, yet hundreds of people attended. Me, my siblings, and cousins all helped making the visitors were all taken care of. Additional chairs and tables had to be called, snacks and drinks resupplied. Every once in a while I stopped to listen to what the church members, priests, and friends say about her. Everything said was full of praise, and indeed I could not remember a bad thing about her. If I gained anything during the weekend it would be a question of how I want to be remembered.

As converts, as underground converts, no matter what status, it is tough to be of different belief with our parents and family. As children, sibling, or relative sometimes we are called upon to participate in traditions and rituals. And those will definitely conflict with what we believe. In Islam it is that much tougher since we are taught that we cannot pray for forgiveness of non-Muslim family members.

Please remember to pray for myself and others who struggle with being at odds with family members in religion.

Living in a Muslim majority country is something that some converts envy. Before I returned to Indonesia, I imagined I would have great support and a nice community that I can be comfortable with. But the fact is the contrary.

To start with, being an ethnic minority that is mainly non-Muslims is a challenge itself. If I had a penny for the funny stares I get in masjids or musollahs I’d be rich. Some just flat out ask “Are you Chinese?” “You look Chinese.” Some just ask “You’re Muslim?” Upon hearing my answer they’d smile, praise God, and go about their day.

Despite being the world’s biggest population of Muslims, I personally feel that Islam’s role is getting pushed to the side. Every single day we are fed news about corruption in the news. Crime, poverty, and other third world issues. Religious figures getting involved in scandals. Even the Ministry of Religious Affairs is considered one of the most corrupt. In Ramadan, Islam is used as vehicles for profit. This moment is exploited by brands in their advertisements to boost sales and consumption. It is an irony that each Ramadan consumption of goods increase especially leading to the days of Eid.

You can find mosques pretty much in every other block. But come in outside of prayer times and it will be empty. People come, pray, hang around, and leave. Some have lecture sessions that struggle to attract visitors. It is with amazement that I see a Muslim youth group host Jazz music event outside their Masjid to attract the youth. That is during Ramadan.

With these situations considered, it is tough to find a community that helps us converts grow. Convert study groups are often attended by those wishing to get the Masjid’s approval to convert before getting married. Once the couple get married, they say goodbye to the classes. Most convert “scholars” obsess about the “secrets” or “tricks” of Christianity and Christians. They are praised for having to know the intricacies and little trickeries that exist in other religions. They are at the forefront of facing the threat of non-Muslims making apostates of us all.

Look, most of us see Islam for what it is. We do not need to be told what was wrong with our old belief. Because we already see something better in Islam. Something that is sadly seldom seen reflected by the followers. You don’t have to put down other religions in order to advertise Islam. Find the beauty of Islam, and inshaAllah even non-Muslims will feel it.

Regular lectures feel as if they just touch the surface. Verses gets recited, but I fail to grasp the meaning and the spirit behind it. Religious figures begin to appear in Social Media. Some churn out dry advice about sisters having to wear hijab. Some fight against the liberal and progressive movement. Special Ramadan Q&A section with ustadz (teacher) so and so explaining the halal/haram of using eyedrops while fasting.

If this is what is out there no wonder young teens line up for kilometers to buy the latest Korean pop concert tickets.

I see the symbols of Islam everywhere. Adhan blaring through the speakers, local people reciting verses broadcasted through the same speakers, brothers and sisters wearing Islamic clothes, but it’s hard to see the practice of Islam. One that speaks about justice, equality, and good character. One that encourages us to be ethical and seek excellence in all we do. To take peaceful alternatives as much as possible. The teachings that uplift and does not degrade human beings.

But I am trying. I am reaching out to organizations, groups, and communities. I’ve found a few of them. One of them is a small community of ethnic Chinese Muslims. Another is an organization that used to be really big but has lately declined due to their leader’s issue that was blown up in the media. But nonetheless I hope to seek the good and the benefit among them. I pray that we all can find communities that we can belong. Converting to Islam is no small feat, and we will need that support to stay on this path.

The night before I return from the US I was about to meet a friend, also a convert, who I had not seen in a few years. We arranged to meet for iftar (breaking fast) dinner at a restaurant. Before heading to dinner I decided to drop by at a masjid that was on the way.

That day my schedule was hectic and I had forgotten to bring something to break my fast with; so I just bought myself a box of milk so I have something sweet to break the fast. I also didn’t want to fill myself since I was about to have dinner.

So I reached the masjid, went to the back lot to find the tables and people preparing iftars. I saw that they ran out of the iftar snacks, which was few slices of fruit and dates. Being by myself and not finding anyone I knew, I just sat at the edge of a table and got busy on my cell phone. I know, such an Asian.

Just on the next table was a family, of India/Pakistan ethnicity who brought plenty of food. They had fruits and many fried delicacies (I do not know what they are called, I had someone offer me a few Ramadans ago in the same place. I didn’t particularly enjoyed it so I had to smile as I finish it :D).

The father of the family sort of looked at me: this Chinese looking guy by himself with no food on the table. I caught his eye and I saw him got busy filling up a plate. He then brought it and walked to me and gave me that plate. Subhanallah I cannot tell how grateful I was. It was a plate with melons, watermelons, and the fried stuff I mentioned above, with a dessert (gulab jamun or what are they called?). I thanked him and his response was that please-have-this-dont-worry-about-it look. My best friend in college was Indian and I am familiar with this expression. 

I picked up and ate some of the items. The mother glanced at me and saw that this kid now had something to eat, and gave a little smile. After Maghrib prayer everyone was lining up for dinner provided by the Masjid so I couldn’t find the family members of that table. I felt bad I left some food uneaten. I wish I could tell them that I could not finish it since it was too much; and I needed to keep a dinner appointment later on. 

This might be my favorite Ramadan moment so far. You just feel that people are SO generous these times. Let this be a reminder to all of us to share more, especially if you see that new people. You might think your actions are small but you never know how people would respond to that small action.

2 days of Ramadan have passed. This is the 4th Ramadan after my shahadah. Full with ups and downs.

The days leading up to this Ramadan is one of anxiety…what should I do. Still being underground makes it tough.

Upon deep reflection I begin to think what had passed; whether I took the right steps; whether everything was sincere? That even in the 4 years, learning has been on and off. Couldn’t really fit into a community. Didn’t have that sense of belonging. I was getting complacent.

But alhamdulillah for this Ramadan. 2 days have produced many profound insights. Honestly my relationship with the Quran hasn’t been that great. Having had one taken away somewhat distanced me from it. Efforts to read it daily, more often, let alone complete it had failed.

So now I’m trying. I don’t know how to recite yet, but the translation is there. The order and numbering verses have been always the same but already I can feel it address my worries/concerns that are present right now in my heart. It feels like it does speak to me.

Even after 4 years, I feel this might be the moment to get serious again. Seems that I’ve let the circumstances dictate me. Now I’m trying to take the initiative. For all the imperfections, coming up short, I’m trying to learn more. To let the knowledge change me, that I, first and foremost can be confident that I made the right choice. And also for those around me to see that I’ve made the right choice and it made me better.

I’ve realized that I’m not alone. I believe many of you converts or even born Muslims have had that moment that you question and ponder where you are, who you are, and where you are headed. I guess this is the best time to do that, and start improving yourself.

Have a blessed Ramadan.

As children we are encouraged to have a dream and then to work hard on fulfilling that. If you ask children what they want to be, you’ll hear, pilot. President. Astronaut. Policeman. That kid will then get a pat on the back and a smile. Well if you see Chinese kids, I’m willing to bet that not 1% of them turned out to be pursuing, let alone become, one of such professions.

That might sound like a harsh joke, but it is actually true. A non-Chinese friend asked, why is it that you guys study all over the globe, only to return back home and watch over your dad’s store?

That is a question that I believe many children who gets sent to study abroad also share, myself included. “I am now in the West, the free world. Anyone can be anyone they want. You can study to be whatever you want, so why am I bound to return home to manage the business that I might not be interested in?”

Ask a typical student who is approaching graduation and I bet that most will have that question in mind. They can apply for a good job overseas, meanwhile the folks back home want their children back. Here is the kid who is now a XXX-university graduate. He will continue on the legacy and make their parents proud.

Sometimes I wonder is that really it? Do we have kids and do we raise them just so that we can be proud of them? I find that the “be all you can be” slogan sometimes can only be applied in the Western culture. Meanwhile in Eastern culture including Chinese, you be what your parents want to be.

If someone is all grown, well educated with high grades, gets a good paying job on his own and is a contributing member of society, is that not something to be proud of? Do you have to ask them to leave all that potential and come back manage something that they might not be interested in?

We all have our different circumstances, but these themes are so common among friends who recently graduated. It seems that all of us have expectations that are put on us. More so myself, as the only son.

I couldn’t help but wonder what if all these bright young minds are let free to pursue what they are actually interested in. Who knows we might see brilliant doctors, professional pilots, credible lawyers, and so on. Why are we always bound to the businessman/trader stereotype? Why is working as an employee, a professional something that is frowned upon?

I’ve heard many conversations condemning kids who do not return from their study. People cynically remark that they are enjoying their lives alone, they do not want to take care of their parents, as if they cease to be their children. And on the other hand you hear praises when somebody is being such good kids that they return home after their studies. Here is he with the US college degree helping the parents. Such an ideal kid.

This is probably the western education that influenced me, but to me it’s unfair. Those kids have lives too and it’s not fair that the parents can have all the right. What about the children’s rights? Is this what “filial piety” is?

Here’s another sad fact: most Chinese family owned businesses have trouble passing on to the next generation. The 2nd generation is where trouble starts, and usually by then, the 3rd generation lost all interest in getting involved. But sometimes, again due to expectations, they reluctantly accept it and went on to manage the already-messy business.