Howdy all. Well time for a new release. Yes I know so many of you wanted an obscure Italy Horror or an Exploitation film from the 1950s but dammit I need some new viewing material from time to time. With this new Marvel "Cough Disney subservient" release, the controversy (that really isn't) we finally have a female protagonist not surrounded by male counterparts in the sense they have to protect or govern her.   As Phase 3 is commencing and it's all about outer space, it is time.  This is Captain Marvel.

Our story is in a far away time...the dreaded 1990s.  That savage time period.   Cellphones could barely flip, we had actual face-to-face conversations and our music wasn't completely sucky.   Enter a young Kree (Alien species with blue blood that can resurrect humans) recruit Vers (Bria Larson of Free Fire, Room, Kong: Skull Island, The Glass Castle, Unicorn Store, Basmati Blues and Captain Marvel) is having confusing dreams/nightmares. A link to the past? Another life before the Kree? Who can say?

She and her trainer/mentor Yon-Rogg (Jude Law of Gattaca, Final Cut, A.I. Artificial Intelligence, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Alfie and Repo Men) tells her in true Obi-Wan fashion to be mindful of her feelings, powers and surroundings. To serve the Empire with diligence, dignity and grace.  She's a bit headstrong, cocky and some levels, arrogance. I like that. Reminds me of me. No wait, that's another film. She and her team are on mission to stop Skrulls (race of shapeshifting and transmographing alien combantants) for disrupting the harmony of an outside system under Kree protection.  Vers is captured and probed (mind not anus. You perverts) as the gaps in her memory show her a parallel life on an insignificant blue and green planet involving primitive vehicles like go-karts, 64 and a half Mustangs, Hornet fighter jets and hey... ain't that Earth? How kooky.

As Vers is done with hanging upside down, she proceeds to open a big gulp worth of whoop ass on the Skrulls, escapes the vessel in a pod and crash land in a refuge of movie known as Blockbuster Video.  Hope I didn't lose the Milennials again. Prior to Red Box, there was a store that provided you VHS and DVDs, snacks and soda, along with human interaction on selecting films of current or previous eras. Thanks to progress...we have none of those. Hurrah.

With being an extraterrestrial, she is flanked by a couple of SHIELD agents, Fury (Samuel L Jackson of Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers, Black Snake Moan, The Incredibles and Afro Samurai) without his mother f bombs (so sad) and Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg of Spartan, The West Wing, When a Stranger Calls, The Air I Breathe, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Thor, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Avengers, Ultimate Spider-Man and Captain Marvel). Assigned by their higher ups to keep tabs on Vers, understand and plan for the Skrulls and see if she is on our side.

With Vers' team lead by Yon-Rogg, I can't help but recognize a few later villainous fellows such as Korath (Djmon Housou of Stargate, ER, The Four Feathers, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, Constantine, The Island, Blood Diamond and Guardians of the Galaxy) and Ronan the Accuser (Lee Pace of Pushing Daisies, A Single Man, When in Rome, The Resident, 30 Beats, Lincoln, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and Guardians of the Galaxy) so yeah a tad flashback like. Not unlike this whole film granted.

Piecing together her life on Earth and in the Kree homeworld, Hala Vers is having conflicting memories about a FTL drive (Faster than Light) and who it would benefit.

Can Vers agree to work with SHIELD? Can the Skrulls be defeated? Can the Kree be trusted?

So yeah Marvel, nice of you to get off your ass and finally have a predominant female protagonist film. Not as though Marvel archives are rife with them and...oh wait, THERE ARE TONS of them!! Let's address the chauvinistic pricks that whined about this movie. Fellas, what's the damn problem? She came, she saw and she kicked ass.   Had Spidey levels of quips, energy channeling and re-directional blasts, flight, strength. She's Captain Marvel. So what's the friggin' problem? Did you not "See Yourselves?" Boo frickin' hoo. How many muscle bound male hero flicks out there? You can find more than a few.

This is Black Panther whiny white guy bitching all over again. Frankly, I wanted to see Valkyrie, She-Hulk, Spider-Woman, Elsa Bloodstone and Misty Knight 20 YEARS AGO, but I cannot bitch and complain about that all the time. I would be tedious and annoying. Much like the pricks that complained about this film. Solid storyline, a few alterations to meet the current timeline, great cameos and nods to the current nifty gags and tropes, this is a decent flick.

Oh and guys that ask me this FAR TOO OFTEN, no there is no titty in the movie. 

Hey folks. Well the new year is upon us. 2019. So far New York hasn't fallen like in that George Eastman post apocalypse film so I will just have to move on. Yup, it wouldn't be Rotten Reelz Reviews without some goofy request so my dad asked me to give a dual pack a view and we will see how awful this is. Yes, I am convinced this will hurt as it is from Something Weird Video collection. For those not in the knowing, I'll spell it out. Exploitation Galore! Sci-fi, Action, Thrillers and Biker flicks a happenin'. So yeah let's cross our fingers and hope for the best. This is The Mighty Gorga a.k.a. Kong Island and Attack of the Death Monsters

Yupper we have a King Kong knock-off with multiple titles. Not since A*P*E* back in 2016. Ah memories. Can't find my damn car keys half of the time but I can recall a stinky banana biter flick.

Exploitation director/writer David L. Hewitt (The Time Travelers, Horrors of the Red Planet, Monsters Crash the Pajama Party, Gallery of Horror, Journey to the Center of Time and The Girls from Thunder Strip) brings us this particular cinematic wonder via 1969. We open with a maiden lashed to two trees left as a sacrifice by the natives. Now if this was a Joe D Amato flick, her nipples would have been iced to jut out and she would have a couple of shammies to cover her bits.

Moving right along,the circus is in full swing but the people are bored. Hmph, lions. Whatever. With a bit of exposition between a barker and one of the clowns, Mort. A bigwig circus conglomerate is looking to buy up the place for pennies on the dollar. Plot point, Scoob!!

Circus owner Mark Remington (Anthony Eisley of Hawaiian Eye, The Wasp Woman, The Naked Kiss and 77 Sunset Strip) is on the verge of bankrupt. Apparently dwarf tossing and freak shows are just not what 1969 crowds want anymore so he is following his leads of a giant gorilla guaranteed to keep the stands packed...or until a better pinball machine comes out.

An expedition made up of a circus owner and his tracker for hire are searching the African Jungle for a giant gorilla. Sounds kooky I know. White folks do this sort of bad touch Mother Nature all the time. Also Africa looks an awful lot like Boca Raton but maybe I am confused.

Mark and his tracker/great white hunter, Tonga Jack (Kent Taylor of Sued for Libel, Four Girls in White, I'm Still Alive and Half Past Midnight) are in hot pursuit of the beastie when they find out Tonga's daughter has been kidnapped. Mark offers to aid Tonga in his time of need. Psst, Mark. Get a discount on your safari, bro. A rival hunter Morgan (Scott Brady of He Walked by Night, Canon City, Johnny Guitar, Lux Video Theatre and The Loretta Young Show) is um, well technically the bad guy but he is as equally greedy and bad touching the lands as Mark so I'm confused again.

April (Megan Timothy of Good Morning... and Goodbye!, Hells Chosen Few, Charro!, The Mighty Gorga, The Girls from Thunder Strip and The Female Bunch) proves to be the arm candy/love interest rather quickly and yes she is completely helpless and needs a big, strong man for saving her and so on. Ugh. She also has issues with rival business as Morgan keeps dropping by offering to buy out her property just a day or so after she has an "incident or accident". Just convienent he was in the neighborhood. Y'know after one of his flunkies tried trashing the place and failed. So similar subplots collide, Mark and April are clearly made for one another.

One point in the expedition, Mark and April come across some skulls on sticks and I just knew my butt puckered remembering all those Ruggero Deodato Cannibal flicks. Naturally the natives they hired are creeped because of ancient stories of giant monsters. To be fair, there is supposed to be a gargantuan gorilla in the jungle so I wouldn't scoff at them. Also that would be my stuff they are hauling so really don't want it trashed.

Laughed my ass off when I realize sub plot 3 has villagers sacrificing the virgins to Gorga and the witch doctor is Mort the Clown. Yes, actor Bruce Kimball (Hard on the Trail, Cain's Cutthroats, Rollercoaster and Drive In Massacre) has a double act for this flick. Quick question, are there regions of Africa that have that many Polynesian girls? They had a few on stand-by.

Subplot 4 has an old timey hidden treasure on this here island. Wait a minute, why are there volcanoes in Africa?

Okay normally I try to give a fair shake but the ADR (Automatic Dialogue Replacement) makes the sacrificial maiden sound like she is moaning in the booth. We couldn't hear Gorga half of the time and the staged recordings are clearly indoors while the scene shots are outside and the mono sounds goofy.  The Gorilla is passable but the T-Rex (Oh of course there's a T-Rex) is clearly a kid's puppet superimposed against Mark and it looks damn silly.

At the end of the day you have an underdog story of the little capitalist trying to stay afloat while corporation is gobbling up the competition. And a lost treasure, some superstitious natives in red face and King Kong and well I get baffled what I am supposed to be getting from this. Is it a bad flick? No, not really. It is a good flick? Yeah gonna have to say, no. A lot of good ideas but not enough budget or way to hone all those ideas into something coherent. Little bit of CGI stock footage of previous dinosaur flicks and it would clean right up. I think. 

Hey folks.  Back again with purpose.   So what do you get when you cram 80s, 90s and current action heroines in an Expendables clone but protagonists are female?   Well, The Asylum (Sharknado, Flight 666, Z Nation, Isle of the Dead, Little Dead Rotting Hood and Megashark versus Kolossus) folks decided to give it a shot. Will this be entertaining or will I want to whack myself in the head with a hammer? This is Mercenaries.

Annnd we got alternative titles. Yeah that will never leave me. These alternative titles are Prison Raid and Expendables 3.0

Under the wing of director, Christopher Ray (Shark Week, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, Circus Kane and A Second Chance) we have a meat and potatoes kind of film.  It's filling.  

 The President's daughter is journeying throughout Kazakhstan (in Russia for those out of the loop) when a ruthless warlord (or is that warlady?) Ulrika (Brigitte Nielsen of Red Sonja, Cobra, Beverly Hills Cop II, Domino, 976-Evil II, Chained Heat II, Snowboard Academy and The Hustle) holding the girl for ransom. The price? Oh the US only has to wipe out her competition for her to take over the government. Seems a bit Iran Contra for me but hey, not military so there you go.

On a side note, these seasoned, hard as nails gunmen/soldiers are not only taking orders from a woman but have no problem with her being installed as the new dictator of the region? That's surprising and disturbingly progressive of them.

Naturally the CIA's finest is on the case. Mona Kendall (Cynthia Rothrock of China O' Brien, Above the Law, Honor and Glory, Lady Dragon, Undefeatable, Eye for an Eye, Sworn to Justice and The Hostage) gets the info on the base being a former Soviet gulag named "The Citadel" that just got lost in the paperwork and regime change. I can see that happening.

Rather than send a CIA task force in Russia due to the big scandal and international diplomacy issues, Kendall assembles a team of hardened criminals and give the full pardons Snake Plissken offer. So enter our collective of bad ass ladies. Guess Kendall just has detailed files on ex-military assets at her office. Makes you wonder how many off the books, black ops she runs, right?

Ex-Marine Corps Sniper, Kat Morgan (Kristanna Loken of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, BloodRayne, Painkiller Jane, The L Word, Burn Notice and Body of Deceit), Former Delta Force Cassandra Clay (Zoe Bell of Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2, Whip It, Bitch Slap, Game of Death, The Baytown Outlaws, Django Unchained, Raze and Camino), Former CIA agent Donna "Raven" Ravena (Vivica Fox of Independence Day, Batman & Robin, Two Can Play That Game, Boat Trip, Kill Bill: Vol 1, Kill Bill: Vol 2, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Hitman: Absolution, Sharknado 2: The Second One and Independence Day: Resurgence) and pilot/explosives expert Mei-Lin Fong (Nicole Bilderback of Clueless TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Paper Bullets, Dark Angel, Castle, The Wrong Nanny and A Second Chance).

These four will infiltrate and extract the President's daughter alive. Sure, sounds like a cake walk. With Ulrika's wave of soldiers and mercs, the ladies have their hands full and they will deliver. With a helicopter insertion (Penis Joke!), our team sneaks in. 

Shockingly enough, Ulrika actually has a right hand man Grigori (Tim Abell of Soldier of Fortune, Inc, We Were Soldiers, Soldier of God, Trouble Creek, Whiteblood, Z Nation and Circus Kane) who handles the morale of the men, deployment and seeing to the overall security.  Gotta say, he's not really great at it.  Brigette needs to have a "Bob, gun," discussion with him.

Okay mild handful of complaints and then I will cease. One tons of CGI blood spatters and CGI muzzle flashes. I get that.   Not every film has the budget to toss in a weapons expert and firearm drill training so this is a quick Airsoft purchase and post production gig.  The use of slo-mo to draw out the fight sequences.  A little goes a long way but when it happens that often, kind of takes you out of the fight scenes.   Again, cost of a hand to hand choreographer gets pricey but maybe find an off-duty SEAL or Marine Recon and give him a couple hundred bucks for his or her inconvenience?

All-in-all this isn't a bad film. It does follow a simple formula of uneasy team up against the bad guys for the greater good and start forming a comradery among each other.  To say this is solely the "Chick Version" of The Expendables is insulting and really does a disservice to the film, its cast and crew. I had fun with it, the one liners were decent but a bit predictable.

Still, it's worth a view. Mind you, no Werebears with miniguns like yesterday.

And we are back. Normally I don't blog on the weekends but this could not be helped. I attempted to find The Manhunt 1975 with Henry Silva but no dice so it is time for another Enzo Castellari flick again and no wars in sight. Boobage seems assured, men folk so simmer down. And for you ladies the awesome that is Franco Nero. This is The Shark Hunter a.k.a. Guardians of the Deep and Django and the Sharks.

Director Enzo Castellari ( High Crime, Street Law, The Heorin Busters, The Shark Hunter, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx,Warriors of the Wasteland and Hammerhead ) is no stranger to action, adventure and sadly creature features where I cannot confirm if animals were killed or just dummies with blood bags. Shark hunter/recluse/woman pleaser/martial artist Mike di Donato (Franco Nero of Django, Street Law, The Last Days of Pompeii, Gaaribaldi the General, Django Strikes Again, Run for Your Life, Il Magistrato, Die Hard 2 and Django Unchained) a gruff and scruffy looking nerf herder spends his days hunting sharks with either a Bowie knife or a harpoon. The dude is intense. Pretty sure his sperm will make decathalon winners so ladies watch out.

When he isn't making records, love and a living; he is deep sea diving to a broken plane. The lagoon and coral that surrounds said plane has plenty of sharks at the ready no matter which route you took. Personally I envision sticks of dynamite to stun or kill the sharks and make my way down to the plane that smuggled more than 100 million dollars. The depths are too great for Mike as his equipment cannot be relied on, but fate or writer's twist he meets Acapulco (Jorge Luke of Ulzana's Raid, The Shark Hunter, Salvador,Trampa mortal, Cartel mortal and Clear and Present Danger) a savvy diver of a oceanographer's big rigged deep sea vessel who Mike tells of the treasure inside and has spent more than 2 years figuring out how to retrieve it.

But Mike may not be the only aware of the treasure co-ordinates as Douchy McWhitey Americano (Michael Forest of Ski Troop Attack, The Virginian, 100 Rifles,The Message, The Shark Hunter and Cast Away) seems to be chummy with a one Captain Gomez...voiced by our basso toned fellow Edward Mannix and sadly we do not hear him for 40 minutes but thank the Gods he was given a title named character. After Redneck Bastard via The Inglorious Bastards, my hopes felt dashed but Enzo was not about to disappoint me a second time.

With a gorgeous location of Mexico near Cabo, the cinematography is astounding, the cast is rounded out minus the female types as they are nothing more than eye candy and I was a trifle pissed at this. Granted they aren't well developed as characters as a whole but dammit a bit of fine tuning and they are backing up Nero or Forest as partners/Femme Fatales. Maybe that is just my take on it. Could have had the cliche' trope of the internal squabble for the money between partners and back and forth who gets it and so forth but nope. Relegated to eye candy jiggly girls.

Mike after the death of his wife and son, he threw himself in the Organization i.e. Mafia and a show down with Nero and Edward Mannix's voice is impeding. A running gag is Nero sticking chewing gum on people's heads. I guess a slight or insult there. Kind of gross I suppose. Mike is continuously has woken by nightmare flashbacks from the loss of his family or the plane crashing.

The music is confusing from having an almost Miami Vice feel to soft core porn music and at inappropriate times. Hell the boat/plane chase sounds like an industrial version of Sisters of Mercy tune. It has all the themes of having loved and lost, action, adventure, gunfights, fist fights and even a few decent chase scenes. Not a brilliant movie by half but I have seen far worse. Give it the once over if any of this sounds entertaining.

Day 3 of Michael Crichton Week brings about a less flattering one of his looser translated books. The offbeat attitude of the film is a bit more humor than the novel but it felt like the forced zany of the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies. This is Congo.

An expedition for a telecommunications corporation TraviCom, employees Charles Travis (Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Icebreaker, Jack of All Trades, Spider-Man, Sky High, Burn Notice and Ash vs Evil Dead) and Jeff Weems (Taylor Nichols of Barcelona, Boiler Room, Jurassic Park III, Black Mail, Hide Away, Freeloaders, Possessions and Godzilla) have made their discovery, a blue diamond that will boost their satellite signals 100 times over. To celebrate, they call TraviCom to boast the good news showing video and audio link when they realize the rest of their expedition team are dead and then...silence.

Meanwhile back at TraviCom HQ Karen Ross (Laura Linney of Searching for Bobby Fischer, Primal Fear, Absolute Power, The Truman Show, You Can Count on Me, Mystic River, Love Actually, Man of the Year and The Nanny Diaries) is desperate to regain contact with the expedition via remote to pan around the remains of the team, their supplies and tents. Ross bolts to get ahold of CEO and Charles' dad, R.B. Travis (Joe Don Baker of Guns of the Magnificent Seven, Walking Tall, Golden Needles, Mitchell, The Pack, The Shadow Chikara, Final Justice, The Living Daylights, Goldeneye and Tomorrow Never Dies) who is concerned about his son and party and Ross offers to lead to a new team to find Charles ASAP.

Meanwhile Dr. Elliot (Dylan Walsh of Congo, Nip/Tuck, The Lake House, NCIS: New Orleans and Unforgettable) a primatologist teaching a young gorilla named Amy sign language and she has this cobbled backpack with a portable battery pack that helps her translate her sign language to English so she can be the first to offer communications from primates to humans. And I thought all you need bananas and chest beating. Naturally the upper one percenters, college alumni and philanthropists doesn't seem interested in Elliot's request. A Romanian name of Herkermer Homolka (Tim Curry of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Legend, Clue, Fish Police, FernGully: The Last Rainforest, Muppet Treasure Island, Voltron: The Third Dimension and Family Affair) offers to pay to take young Amy and the doc out to the Congo and Ross joins them in the trek.

While in Africa (Costa Rica regions and Kenya) the team meets up Munro Kelly (Ernie Hudson of Human Tornado, Highcliffe Manor, White Mama, Ghostbusters, The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians, The Last Precinct, The Crow, Levitation, Shark Attack, Miss Congeniality, Oz and Everything's Jake) to lead them in the deep jungles but they got scooped up by a militia captain name of Wanta (Delroy Lindo of Beauty and the Beast, A Man Called Hawk, Bright Angel, The Hard Way, Malcolm X, Clockers, Broken Arrow, Romeo Must Die, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Heist, The Last Castle, Sahara, Domino and Point Break) capturing the lot of them and offering his services for an mildly obscene fee. Heading to a Lost City of Zinj next to this fabled diamond mine the expedition's camp is completely wrecked and a grey gorilla had clearly had been slaughtering outlanders left and right.

Will the team find Charles still alive? What is the significance of the gorilla and this lost city? 

The gorillas are practical effect bodysuits and fairly strong stuntmen for that rather than the lesser CGI. Bruce Campbell originally auditioned for Dr. Elliot but ended up with Charles Travis role instead. The volcano was actually an active volcano called Volcan Arenal, in Costa Rica. The funniest fact is the pilot of 727 was played by none other Jimmy Buffett. 

Welcome back to Day 3 of Knock Off Week. So I was told of this bizarre film that we are tackling today. It has action, romance, zombies, military and really choppy edited car chases. Our main star of the film, actor and director (Deli Yusuf, Maden, Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam, Olum savascisi, Karate Can, Kopek, Turks in Space and The Class) has been in over 323 films and admittedly he does look like a terrifying bad ass that probably kills the other actors and no one is the wiser. This is Vahsi kan a.k.a. Turkish First Blood.

 Our moving pictures opens with a house party which is so much like Communism in Vietnam when some lunatic biker gang from Psychomania decide to raze the whole party. My favorite part in this scene is a guy getting high kicked in the chest against a wall as blood was applied to his wounds because...boot heels are sharp? A young lady hops in her car to escape these dastardly demon bikers and for some reason the camera is set at crotch level and not to the passenger side or on the dashboard so the girl in a dress is driving with her legs crossed. Gotta say it feels like there may not be a stunt coordinator on the set.

Weirder still is she pulls up on the road finding five gored up men or they were have a scab and ketchup eating contest and passed out due to the heat exhaustion. Seriously the subtitles were created by someone without a firm grasp of the English language so I am left blinking a few times when sentence structure seems less than savory or satisfactory. The editing is so out there I swear I am watching a cross between Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes with zombies instead of rad mutants, Mad Max like bikers following up with First Blood

Love they even lifted Jerry Goldsmith's musical score for the film. Riza or Rambo if you prefer (Cuneyt Arkin) is being led away from a dirt road by armed guards when a car explodes and he just walks away from that and no follow-up to that at all. Armed men had him in custody and now they don't.

No sooner is Riza walking down the road again he gets ambushed by cast members of Turkish Mad Max as they spin in circles around him on bikes and a car. Truly stimulating. Riza proceeds to whoop the crap out of the bikers after they took turns slashing him with their steely knives but they could not just slay the beast. Not sure why he had to wait for multiple shallow cuts but hey I'm not writing this garbled crap. Turkish Richard Crenna giving his best Troutman impression tells the rest of this city to leave Riza to him but corrupt mayor/mobster thinks Riza is cramping his style. Hope he has a good supply of body bags. Yeah it was needed.

Riza meets up with said girl no longer burdened by a crotch cam but for some reason she automatically must be with the muscle bound goof and that slight dirty face she has means strip down and clean up in a lake. Still no clue if this girl has a character name or is it just chesty girl love interest. The mob/concerned citizens managed to find Riza and Girl With No Name in a massive rock quarry and cave...from like a completely different location. Again seamless editing Turkey. Considering it was day for Riza but night for the thugs and hell they were in a forest as well to his rock quarry. So it drags on and Girl With No Name ends up getting lightly tapped to death by foam rocks and Riza must get revenge the only way he knows how, by running at fast forward speed and slashing everyone's throat. That's right, Riza has the speed force at his disposal.

Finding an English subtitled version of this was damn near impossible without buying it outright. In the end I had to rent it for 5 bucks and boy howdy that was money well spent full of confusing scenes strewn together, fast cut edits, copy-written music lifted and Cuneyt Arkin looking either bored or psychotic.

Back again gentle readers. I do so hope House was enjoyable and you all rushed to your DVD stores and got a copy. This time around we move into the realm of sequels. Yes, I know how many you feel about sequels. Many times I view them as inferior creations relying on basing from the original and never surpassing it. Yet we have Aliens, Godfather II and Superman II so conjure of that what you will. This next story prepares you for a new story with a new house with a barrage of characters rating at PG-13 rather than first's R rating. This is House II: The Second Story.

Practically growing up in a video store I say two different covers for this film. Our movie written by screenwriter Ethan Wiley (House, House II: The Second Story, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror, Brutal, Black Ops, Bear, Elf-Man and Journey to the Forbidden Valley) brings us twenty something yuppie Jesse (Arye Gross of Tequila Sunrise, For the Boys, A Midnight Clear, The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them, Ellen and Castle) and his music producer girlfriend Kate (Lar Park-Lincoln of Friday the 13^th Part VII:The New Blood, Knots Landing, Freddy's Nightmares, City of Justice, From the Dark, Gravestoned and The Dancer) have got to inspect the house from his inheritance where his parents murdered while he was a baby, a bizarre home with mixture of Gothic and Aztec design filled with passages and many rooms. Of all the rooms, a fireplace fixture on the mantelpiece was a human sized skull made of crystal (It belongs in a museum!!!) made flawless.

His talent manager buddy Charlie (Jonathan Stark of Fright Night, There Were Times, Dear, Project X, Cheers, Bright Lights, Big City, Rain Man, The Spirit of '76, Career Opportunities, Ellen and Stop It) and his singer diva girlfriend Lana (Amy Yasbeck of Days of Our Lives, Magnum, P.I., Generations, Pretty Woman, Problem Child, , Problem Child 2, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, The Mask, Wings, Alright Already and Little Women, Big Cars) seems to be the latest, new thing and the two start conversing with Kate's boss John (Bill Maher of Out of Time, Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, Pizza Man, Politically Incorrect, Bill Maher: The Decider and Real Time with Bill Maher) while Jesse and Charlie decide to research the skull's history finding it is told to offer a great wish or even the possibility of giving the owner immortality. Jesse and Charlie take off to dig up the relative, Jesse's great, great grandfather and Jesse's name sake. Grandfather or Gramps (Royal Dano of Man of the West, Never Steal Anything Small, Posse From Hell, Death Valley Days, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Gunsmoke, Big Bad Mama and Capone) turns out to not be as dead as they thought and sneak him into the house. He warns the lads that the skull can effect the very fabric of time and space, the house becomes a nexus of different timelines. The Doctor would be fascinated and disturbed at the same time. Aztecs appear, pop Gramps in the head and snagged the skull going through the walls.

Another of Cheer alumni makes his way, electrian Bill (John Ratzenberger of Cheers, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, That Darn Cat, One Night Stand, Toy Story, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Cars and Ratatouille) checks their wiring in the house and discovers one of those damn pesky temporal portals. Can the boys get the skull back? What other terrors await them? What rewards are to be found?

Sean S. Cunningham once again produced this film and composer Harry Manfredini brings his "A" game for the orchestral. Industrial Light and Magic Phil Tippett brought on the stop motion animation. I goofed not acknowledging Ethan Wiley wrote this film as well as the previous one. Creature sound effects is brought to us by voice actor Frank Welker. This is goofy, fun and just plain entertaining and yes it is safe for young ones in my eyes.

Hola folks! So this week is intended to be about Henry Rollins, more specifically any film, TV and specials he had a direct involvement with. Many of you are aware of this man's spoken word tours, his band Rollins Band and even his autobiography " Get In The Van" but few know that he went to see Black Flag in 1980 when he jumped the stage and took the mike for a song. As lead singer of the failed DC punk band State of Alert came and went, fate took Henry by the hand. A few days later, he got a a call to head and audition for Black Flag. At 5'9" he has had the balls to try to outdo Iggy Pop at the punk scene, he has whored out for MTV and even voice over acting for Batman Beyond. This is The Chase.

Jack Hammond (Charlie Sheen of Grizzly II: The Concert, Red Dawn, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Platoon, Young Guns, Major League, Men at Work, Hot Shots!, Shadow Conspiracy, Two and a Half Men and Machete Kills) a schmuck wrangling birthday gigs as a clown has been sentenced for life in prison but manages to give the slip and disappeared fleeing for Mexico. Getting stopped at a convenience store by a couple of cops in harness, Jack grabs a nearby debutante Natalie (Kristy Swanson of Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Knots Landing, Nightingales, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Phantom, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Early Edition, Grapevine and Swamp Shark) at gunpoint.

Escaping the clutches of the cops and now engaging for in a high speed pursuit, two cops are getting the "Cops" reality TV recording in a daily patrol when it hits the radio about an ongoing chase and demand for back up. Officer Dobbs(Henry Rollins of Johnny Mnemonic, Heat, Lost Highway, Oddville, MTV, Batman Beyond, The New Guy, Bad Boys II, Teen Titans, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, The Devil's Tomb and Feast) and Officer Figus (Josh Mostel of Jesus Christ Superstar, Delta House, Star 80, At Ease, Windy City, The Money Pit, City of Hope, City Slickers, The Maddening, The Out-of-Towners, Knockaround Guys, Growning Up and Other Lies and Blue Bloods) pop the clutch and go into action. As the license plate has been taken down, it is revealed that Natalie is heiress of Dalton Voss (Ray Wise of Swamp Thing, Robocop, Dallas, Seduced, The Colbys, Knots Landing, Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, Body Shot, Command& Conquer: Red Alert 2, Jeepers Creepers II, 24, and Reaper) multimillionaire and pillar of the community. This whole event goes down from Newport Beach all the way down the I-5 through San Diego to the desperate attempt of escape to Mexico.

 With the gaining press of this dangerous pursuance throughout the towns, live coverage is being recorded from the air as well as vans trying to get footage of it in progress. Jack and Natalie find in this romp on the road that while from different backgrounds they actually have quite a bit in common and Jack finds himself regretting never having the balls to ask a girl like her out. Will they escape to Mexico? Can Jack and Natalie form a real relationship? Will this be one of Dobbs and Figus's better collars? Screw the potential love story, this is only to be watched for Rollins and Mostel's scenes.

One of my favorite scenes of this movie is still Flea and Anthony Kiedis of The Red Hot Chili Peppers trying vigilante justice to smash the BMW into the guard rails, quote smack the punk out end quote and rescue said hottie. They do this with a bright green monster truck. Director/writer Adam Rifkin (Tale of Two Sisters, Nutt House, Psycho Cop Returns, Bone Chillers, Without Charlie and Shooting the Warwicks) found most of Mostel and Rollins' ad lib more entertaining that what was written for them so he gave Mostel and Rollins the go for it. The I-5 freeway scenes were predominantly shot in Houston TX via Highway 290 and then new Hardy Toll Road so dozens of palm trees were trucked in and planted along the highway. Yeesh, that is a crappy prop job.  

This movie hit the screens a mere 3 months prior to the infamous O. J. Bronco Chase. See? Life can imitate art.

Well hey there gentle readers. Back again with some more controversial and blasphemous works of Kevin Smith. Now don't get me wrong, because I enjoyed the hell out of this flick but the Roman Catholic Church felt it was a slap in the face of the lord o' mighty and the Catholic League made like they did picketing Last Temptation of Christ via Martin Scorsese. So already I am on board just to annoy the practicing Catholics alone. This is Dogma.

Destined to be the second movie but knocked back to film number four, our story opens with two fallen angels Bartleby (Ben Affleck of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dazed and Confused, Mallrats, Going All the Way, Good Will Hunting, Armageddon, Reindeer Games, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, Clerks II and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice) and his companion Loki (Matt Damon of Mystic Pizza, Chasing Amy, Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Ocean's Eleven, The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, The Departed and The Martian) were banished to Earth after a misadventure resigning from the appointment of Angel of Death thanks to Bartleby's words of encouragement. For all eternity they are to remain...in Wisconsin. Until McGuffin appears in the form of a newspaper clipping. Exclaiming in celebration of its bi-centennial, the plenary indulgence (remission of all sins and thereby all are permitted direct entry to Heaven) is on for those Catholics feel they must repent. Translation: Loophole and making God somehow imperfect. (I can hear the anger of many a Christian...good...good. The hate is swelling in you now)

God not seemingly on the scene, the Seraphim Metatron (Alan Rickman of Die Hard, Quigley Down Under, Truly Madly Deeply, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Judas Kiss, Dark Harbor, Galaxy Quest, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Love Actually and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) the Voice of God visits Bethany (Linda Fiorentino of After Hours, Queens Logic,The Last Seduction, Jade, Men in Black, What Planet Are You From? And Where the Money Is) a depressed catholic and abortion clinic technician charging her with a holy quest to stop the angels before all of the world is undone. She will be accompanied by two prophets Jay (Jason Mewes of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Scream 3, Vulgar, Clerks: The Animated Series, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back and Clerks II) and Silent Bob (writer/director/actor Kevin Smith Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Scream 3, Vulgar, Clerks: The Animated Series, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, Clerks II, Catch and Release, Manchild and Live Free or Die Hard) as terrible twosome from the Askewverse's longest running characters.

Along on said less than merry quest they encounter plummeting from the skies Rufus (Chris Rock of Saturday Night Live, In Living Color, Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, Lethal Weapon 4, Nurse Betty, Pootie Tang, Bad Company, Pauly Shore Is Dead and Grown Ups) a dead man claiming to be the thirteenth Apostle, omitted from the Bible because he's black. Our foursome makes their way to a titty bar finding one of the strippers to be the former muse Serendipidity (Salma Hayek of Desperado, Four Rooms, Fair Game, Fools Rush In, 54, The Faculty, Wild Wild West, Traffic, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, After the Sunset and Bandidas) inspiration herself reduced to stripping due to writer's block and thus the curious quintet are off to save the world.

Can the angels be stopped? Will the universe cease to be?? Will we all snuff it??

A few points of interest on this is, the very Jewish last named Cardinal portrayed by the late great comedian/writer/producer and actor George Carlin. Glick as I am lead to understand ain't exactly an Irish name so I snickered quite a bit. SFX supervisor and designer Vincent J Guastini had his hands full with designing wings for the angels and the Golgothan(the slimy poop demon made of the excrement of thieves, rapists and murderers) and the late talented Alan Rickman who was a Chasing Amy fan wanted to do Dogma under two conditions: 1) Staying true to the script and 2) whether the wings were practical or CGI. Did I forget to mention casting /songwriter/singer Alanis Morissette as...God?