idk if i told the full story on here but i signed up for a research study where they were testing a new opioid, and it was supposed to be up to 5 injections increasing the dose to see what people could tolerate
i got the first dose and almost immediately fainted. they had to call in a whole medical team and it was a huge fucking deal
i was kicked out of the study and got a phone call later where they were supposed to tell me what the drug was, so i could avoid it in the future. they told me it was saline water. a placebo. i fainted from the placebo effect.
anyway, it’s been a few months and i just got an email from the same department asking me to be a research participant in a new study: testing the effects of open-label placebo.
open label placebo is when the subjects and the researchers all know it’s a placebo. they’re testing the power of my mind. my power to imagine anything.
i like to think that they chose me for this specifically based on their past experience with me. “get the guy who fainted like a little bitch boy from saline water.” anyway i just submitted all my info and i’m looking forward to getting started.
I wish I was eating right now. I’m not even hungry I just really like eating food.
I’m watching people make and try pemmican on youtube and I’ve somehow convinced myself that this oily meat paste that people eat to avoid starving to death would be delicious. It wouldn’t. But I’m watching them like “oh man I could really go for some pemmican right now.”
The entire plot happens because Dracula is a teaboo
A character proposes marriage with a scalpel in hand and keeps playing with it throughout the conversation
Dracula roasts a chicken
A vampire bat (not a vampire) somehow drinks enough of a horse’s blood to cause the horse to collapse
Dracula gets smacked in the face with a shovel
After attributing nightmares to paprika consumption, a character eats more paprika for breakfast
The heroes hire a locksmith to make their home invasion look more respectable
To prepare for raiding a vampire’s lair, one character brings three small dogs
A character laments being unable to wed multiple people at once
A therapist starts speculating about elephants’ souls mid-session
An official cause of death is written as “misadventure in falling from bed”
Dracula has a Krampus-esque sack that he shoves children into
A character realizes that his host has no reflection but is more concerned with shaving than investigating that
A reporter brags about his running speed mid-article
Dracula, while trying to maintain a low profile, goes by the incredibly subtle alias “de Ville”
A character is misled by phonetic spelling
A character receives three marriage proposals in one day
The SPCA tries to adopt Dracula
A doctor refers to a patient as his “pet lunatic”
We are told vampires can be defeated by putting branches on their coffins
A character gets slashed at with a knife and loot splatters on the floor, like a video game NPC
Dracula is a horsegirl
A character brings anti-vampire flowers but doesn’t tell anyone the purpose of said anti-vampire flowers, which leads to another character moving them and enabling a vampire attack
A character’s hair turns from dark to white literally overnight
Twice in the novel, Dracula says “Bah!” The second time is his final line of dialogue
There’s a deleted scene of Dracula lying on top of the protagonist and licking him for hours
if youre autistic and transgender and you live with your parents you just have to remember soon you wont live with your parents and nothing will ever be as bad as this ever again. im fucking serious
obviously im of the belief that labelling food abd the ingredients it contains as clearly as possible is really good practice, and i highly approve of it
but the specific sense of comedy thats invoked in you when you look at a dish that is almost entirely a certain ingredient and theres a little sign next to it that reads “THIS ITEM CONTAINS [INGREDIENT]” is something that cannot be ignored
little sign next to a tray of salmon fillets: THIS ITEM CONTAINS FISH
me, under my breath: yeah brother i sure hope it does
DRY ROASTED UNSALTED PEANUTS.
INGREDIENTS: PEANUTS.
CONTAINS: PEANUTS.
WARNING: THIS PRODUCT IS PROCESSED IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO PROCESSES PEANUTS.
in the opposite direction is when you have no reason to believe x food would contain y and there’s a big thing saying “this item contains no y” like
I know why they have to put it on the bag but every time I buy compost I laugh at the little warning that reminds me that dirt has germs in it
