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It can be strange, sometimes, to be me. I鈥檓 the wealthiest man on the planet, for starters. Leaders across America, and indeed the world, look to me as a visionary driving technological progress in areas from transportation, to communication, to becoming a multi-planetary species. The kinds of projects I鈥檓 involved in would blow most people鈥檚 minds. To the outside observer, I鈥檓 sure it seems like I have it all. And maybe I do. Although I鈥檇 like to make one simple request:
  • Optional@lemmy.world
    10路
    1 year ago

    Because look: Frankly, it鈥檚 not enough to have spent my childhood wanting for nothing due to my father鈥檚 massive wealth, to have struck it rich off of a fairly dull money-transfer service idea that I didn鈥檛 even come up with, to have alienated and berated everyone I鈥檝e ever worked with, to lie repeatedly that I was the original founder of Tesla, to amass enormous wealth off of taxpayer-funded subsidies while insisting that I鈥檓 self-made, to wield my influence and inane ideas for unworkable projects to prevent actual functional improvements in multiple cities, to receive uncritical adulation from the fawning business and tech presses, to foster a repressive and even racist workplace in my factories replete with numerous labor violations, all in the name of making cars that don鈥檛 even really fucking work鈥攏o. It鈥檚 not enough. What I desperately, desperately need is for you to think that I鈥檓 cool and funny. I need this. Please give me that satisfaction.

    I brutally tortured some monkeys for literally no reason, for Christ鈥檚 sake! That鈥檚 so cool! Doesn鈥檛 that count for anything?

    I鈥檓 cool. You know I鈥檓 cool.

    Please.

    . . . It almost makes me wonder why the hell I continue subjecting myself to this.

    Oh, right鈥攊t鈥檚 that I鈥檓 hopelessly in need of your approval. Me, a 50-year-old man with the net worth of a decent-size country, forced to stoop to bizarre and pathetic stunts for attention. Either that, or cultivating a personal brand of eccentricity generates publicity and financial support that I can then leverage to distract from my essentially fraudulent business endeavors. Yes, it鈥檚 one of those two things for sure.

    Well . . . at least we have TheOnion back. That鈥檚 something.