i (m, gay) have been with my bf (m, bi) for about three months. we are in a long-distance relationship, and we鈥檝e been friends for a year or two now, maybe like october 2023. lately, he鈥檚 been really depressed. when he鈥檚 not depressed, he鈥檚 just tired and overall low energy. he never really has a lot of energy to talk to me or anything like that, and even if he wants to, he doesn鈥檛 feel like it from his depression.
he has had a bad childhood and has trauma and i feel really bad for him. i get really sad/depressed when he鈥檚 depressed and he says i do help, but only a little because he鈥檚 so empty. he also doesn鈥檛 know what he wants, so i鈥檓 there to support him. he doesn鈥檛 know whether or not he wants to talk to me sometimes either, so sometimes we take mental health breaks and come back once we鈥檙e happier.
i don鈥檛 really know what to do, it鈥檚 also not like he lost feelings for me.
he comes from a fairly poor family with an abusive family member.
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Depression gang here. I鈥檓 in therapy. Does it help? I don鈥檛 know, but I鈥檓 also a full-time student, which at least distracts. I鈥檓 dating a guy who has my level of depression but lacks my sex drive and middle-class background, and I鈥檝e had meaningful long-distance relationships as well, so I understand what you鈥檙e experiencing. The trouble is that depression has many causes, and if it鈥檚 chronic then you can get triggered by something and your whole day is ruined at the very least, and sometimes these spells last for months. There is no easy cure, but if he鈥檒l listen you can give him basic advice on finding help.
thank you so much!!! i feel so bad for him
yeah, one of the biggest things might be to offer help finding therapy. calling a buch of people who tell you, that they do not have time to fit you in, can cause troubles, and avoidance, at least in my case. of course he will ultimatly have to make appointments and decide, but there is a lot of administrative stuff that makes it hard for people with depression to get help.
I also have these bouts of depression. They come and go. What works for me is keeping busy. Just doing anything helps me. Just move. Laying in bed is the worst thing to do when that happens. This is my advice to him.
My advice to you is the following: Be there for him. That is all you can do. If you were physically close to each-other, I would suggest to just snuggle/cuddle. Human contact helps. But you are in a long-distance relationship, so that is a no go. Send him voice messages instead of chat? Let him know you like him. Let him know he is important to you. Let him know you are there for him.
Regardless, thank you for caring about him. Compassion, empathy and kindness are the best qualities anyone can have.
thank you so much <33 i do, he says he doesn鈥檛 know if he loves me and wants to be in a relationship but at the same time, he says his mind is set that he does wanna date me.
Get him to seek help. Therapy, meds or both. It can be hard to navigate mental health system while depressed so if he is open help him find possible therapists/psychiatrists/primary care docs in his insurance. If he has no insurance, help him look at not for profit organizations or therapy collectives