How much time have you spent being single?
If youāre currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
What are / were the pros and cons?
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
If youāre currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
What are the pros and cons?
Single about 25 years. Iām 71 and I absolutely love my life. I have lots of friends and a very active life, but I love coming home and being alone there. Before menopause I had a strong libido and terrible taste in men, so I had a lot of truly awful relationships, with endless drama.
Itās kind of by choice I guess, though I donāt get offers. A few years ago a guy gave me the eye and I contemplated it, until I caught sight of his bare feet. Oh dear god no. Self-care is important mate, you need to see a podiatrist.
The main con of being single for me is not enough hugs and cuddles. The pros are too many to give up for that though. I get to decide everything and make plans based on what I want. I can fart loudly, talk to my potplants and be lazy without Someone rolling their eyes, itās bliss.
You sound preposterously attractive and amazing.
Why thank you!
Hug and cuddle your friends and family! Thatās what Iāve been doing and itās awesome.
And maybe Iām biased because of lacking experience, but a relationship where you donāt (except maybe initially) feel comfortable farting out loud seems unhealthyā¦
I do hug my friends (and family when they visit from far, far away), Iām very huggy. Cuddling is another level of intimacy though. I do miss it, a bit.
My farts are so loud you probably heard me earlier and thought it was a car with engine trouble.
Bwahahahha š
I was born in 1987, sooooo, 36.5 years and countingā¦
I wasnāt mature enough to be interested in finding a girlfriend in school, when I started being interested I got fat and balding.
Then it has now gone so long that I am worried about how an inexperienced virgin would be seen by women in their 30s/40s.
I have a good job, limited debt, own my apartment and my car, have decent finances, have lived alone for ten years so can take care of chores, pay bills, I am a decent cook (if lazy), I enjoy photography and simple adventures.
I am a bit insecure of my weight, but am trying to work on it when I can, I go swimming 3 times a week during periods when I can do that.
The main issue is that I donāt know where to start finding someone.
Have you asked yourself wether itās truly something you want for yourself, or instead, perhaps a feeling that youāre behind on some social benchmark? I ask because Iām 33 with a relatively similar experience, but when a woman I dated told me she thought I might be asexual, when I did the research and asked myself these questions I realized I was operating entirely on the supposition that Iām ānormalā, and not that the urges to be in relationships and have sex likely stemmed from a perceived social obligation.
Once I realized that in my heart of hearts Iāve never actually experienced an urge to have sex with another person, I embraced an asexual identity. Without sex as a motivator, I soon realized I didnāt even experience romantic attraction.
Some folks think this is sad, but in truth Iām so much happier and carefree, without the pressures to fit into a mold that doesnāt actually fit me, much less the stresses of maintaining a relationship.
Ace gigachad.
That is a very good point, I have thought about it and mostly embraced the idea of never experiencing sex, and it sure is relaxing to just not worry about it.
On the other hand, I am quite lonely, I have few friends, and sometimes it is tough to deal with shit on my own.
Dealing with mycoplasma and pneumonia at the same time for one and a half months mostly on my own was not fun, even had to go to the hospital for that, and stayed two nights before starting to get better.
Sex for me would be interesting, I like learning how things work and with a partner who would be patient with me I think it would be quite enjoyable.
I know sex is a very important part of a relationship for many people, and I am mostly worried that I would be too disappointing in that area.
What I mainly am looking for in a relationship is companionship, I am getting tired of allways being alone, though I will concede that being single and living alone makes planning a breeze for the most part.
Finding likeminded people in yours 30s and 40s can be tough. Iāve had good luck meeting people at volunteer events that align with my hobbies/passion - for me itās IT so I go to repair events, but also go to local community cleanup days, food banks, etc. Iām sure thereās something out there that works for your interests.
If volunteering isnāt your cup of tea, try taking a class at community college! Thereās plenty of adult education courses that are mostly for fun and only last a few nights, like How to Make Pasta From Scratch, or How to Paint a Simple Oil Painting. They tend to draw a diverse crowd and itās easy to chat and make friends. And maybe there will be a spark!
Donāt put too much pressure on your weight or baldness. Thatās exactly the type of guy that many folks are looking for. Donāt wait until you fit your own idea of attractiveness to find someone who loves you for you!
Currently somewhere around 10 years single.
I struggle with social cues, anxiety, etc.
Itās lonely.
Iāve been single for about 7 years myself & struggle with the same thing.
Would you say that youāre confident in yourself or not so much?
Confidence? Not so much. But itās less a fear of rejection, and more a fear of upsetting someone.
In short, my thought process goes like this:
- Approaching women can make them uncomfortable.
- I donāt want to make anyone uncomfortable.
- Therefore, I donāt approach women.
I basically limit myself to online dating, but as we all know, thatās a shit show unless youāre in the top 10% on the scale of attractiveness. And so Iāve been single 10+ years.
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
The first 13 years of my life
How much time have you spent being single?
The aforementioned 13 years, plus sporadic times in my teen years and early adult years. Iāve been in a relationship with my wife since I was 21.
If youāre currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
N/A
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Yes, to a certain degree.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
1.) I was in control of my own life. I could just decide to do something - anything - and then just do it.
2.) Didnāt have to keep track of finances. If money disappeared from my account, it was because I spent it.
3.) If opportunities to be intimate with someone arose, I could go with the flow and see where the night takes me. I didnāt have to commit to anyone if I didnāt want to.
Cons:
1.) Loneliness. No one to spend your time with.
2.) No one to bounce ideas off of, or introduce interesting plans or events into my life. It made planning for things harder, and encouraged me to be a lazy/messy couch potato instead of going out and being productive.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes.
If youāre currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
What are the pros and cons?
Pros:
1.) No longer alone.
2.) Iāve been married to my best friend for 15 years, so every day is fun and exciting.
3.) My wife encourages me to get out and do stuff. Iāve been on trips across Europe, Asia, and America. Iāve been on 3 separate luxury cruise lines; one in the Mediterranean and two in the Caribbean. Without my wife, I wouldāve just stayed home and missed out on all those life experiences.
4.) I have shared hobbies with my wife, so I always have a partner for the fun things I want to do.
5.) We also have separate hobbies, so when one of us needs alone time, we both can focus on something we want to do without the other for a while.
6.) Weāre more productive together. Alone, weād just veg out and watch TV or doom scroll the Internet. But together, we can discuss various topics and explore new and fun things together.
7.) Getting laid is easy (unless youāre partner makes it difficult). No more prowling clubs/bars or dating apps and settling for someone just to get your rocks off. You have a willing partner at home who, if youāre in a healthy relationship, should be willing to get down with you most anytime. And you know their sexual history, so no worrying about getting an STI or something.
8.) If youāre in a healthy relationship, you have someone who you can truly be yourself around. You wonāt need to put on a mask and pretend to be someone youāre not. Itās quite liberating to have someone who sees you at your worst in the privacy of your own home and still wants to be with you.
Cons:
1.) Every major decision needs to be audited by my partner. I canāt just decide to do something; I need to run it by my wife first. Iām in a healthy relationship, so I can just decide to do stuff on my own all the time and itās not a big deal. But my relationship is also healthy because I include my wife in my planning, even if sheās not going to be involved. I donāt just run off to āhang out with the boys.ā I give her opportunities to be involved, and if she chooses to stay at home instead of come out with me, thatās totally her decision. Or if she needs a night in with me, I cancel plans to spend time with her. I spend enough time with her that itās not a big deal if I want to go do something on my own every now and then.
2.) Iām legally committed to this relationship (marriage), so if a better opportunity for a relationship comes along, I canāt just see where it takes me. My options are to cheat, or go through a lengthy divorce process before proceeding. Or do nothing and remain loyal to my spouse. Itās too risky/costly to attempt the first two, so I just donāt bother looking for other opportunities. I vowed to be loyal, so unless my wife makes my life a living nightmare, Iām sticking with her until the end.
3.) Aligning life goals can be difficult if you didnāt talk it out before committing to a serious relationship. And in the early years of a relationship, who wants to discuss the rest of your life together? Itās easy to get invested in someone whose life plans donāt match up with yours. So you have to live with compromise. Some dreams, you have to give up. Same goes for your partner.
4.) Unless your partner is responsible with finances, expect to have trouble keeping track of your money. Or just maintain separate bank accounts. Hopefully your partner isnāt a golddigger. My wife cares more about spending time with me than spending my money, so we have a healthy relationship. And thereās nothing wrong with spending money on someone you love. But if it seems like your partner only cares about your money and will leave you if/when the money dries up, itās better to leave that relationship as soon as possible.
5.) Relationships are a gamble. You never know if itās going to go smoothly, or if your partner is just using you for something until a better opportunity passes by. Hopefully you have a healthy relationship, and the cornerstone to that is trust and communication. But there are always master manipulators out there who will convince you that you need to stay in a relationship with them, even if it doesnāt make you happy. Theyāll convince you that being lonely is worse than being in a broken/abusive relationship. If your partner starts isolating you from friends/family and doesnāt let you make decisions, youāre in an abusive relationship and need to get out immediately!
You sound like youāre in a lovely relationship!
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
What kind of compromises would you consider healthy vs. unhealthy in a partnership?
Healthy: Discussing and evaluating goals, dreams, desires, etc. and coming to a mutually beneficial agreement or understanding on a way forward.
Unhealthy: Being told your dreams/goals/desires/etc. are not reasonable and to give up on them (or change them to the benefit of your partner) for the sake of a continued relationship.
Yes, sometimes to do have to give up on a dream due to changing situations, and it sucks, but it should always be your decision. If someone gives you the ultimatum (choose me or your dreams), thereās no room for discussion or true compromise.
I generally went a year and half after a break-up before swearing off women; once I swear off women I have a new girlfriend within two weeks. Never fails.
Two weeks! What do you do, such that youāre meeting new people so frequently? I donāt think Iāve met anyone new in years!
Iāve often said that most problems in my life could be attributed to lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, lack of partyinā, or lack of churchgoinā. The latter two certainly help meet people.
How much time have you spent being single?
Not long enough.
If youāre currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Both.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Very much so.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
- no more compromises (this covers most of the pros)
- more money in the bank
Cons:
- sometimes I miss someone to share something (both good and bad)
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Nope.
How much time have you spent being single?
Not long enough.
Did you have a bad experience with a relationship recently or something of that nature?
Iāve been single for most of my adult life. I prefer it to being in a relationship, as I like myself better single.
How come?
Iām not good partner and it makes me feel bad. I also donāt like the feeling of additional stress that comes in being in a relationship.
How much time have you spent being single?
Most of my life. Iāve had two serious relationships and one complicated one, none lasting more than six months. My last relationship ended in late 2019, so itās been 4.5 years. Iām 33 this year, and have been single for about 31 years total.
If youāre currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Bit of both. I choose not to invest my time, money, and energy into pursuing a relationship, but sometimes that choice feels forced because I donāt have enough time, money, or energy to spare for pursuing a relationship. If it happens, it happens, but Iām not proactive about it because Iām focusing on work and my hobbies. If I ever find myself financially stable without working full time I might have time to actively pursue a relationship, but thatās not in the cards right now for my autistic ass. I spend almost all my free time recovering so I can go back to work.
I joined a LARP community and I go to board game and DnD meetups specifically to meet people and keep my social muscles healthy. Hopefully Iāll find a partner in those circles someday, but no luck so far. The unfortunate reality is that every girl I meet is already in a relationship. I have made a lot of friends, so mission accomplished as far as that goes, but the folks who say that joining hobby groups and hanging out with people who share your interests is the best way to find a partner are full of shit.
Finally, both of my serious relationships ended on good terms because my partner felt I did not communicate enough with them, while I felt the amount of communication they were expecting was too much for me to maintain, which made the relationship a source of stress and anxiety for me. We broke it off, and Iām still good friends with one of them. This is a problem with me that Iām not sure how to fix, and itās very much not conducive to a healthy relationship. I hope I can find a partner whoās comfortable with that some day, but itās made me leery of jumping into new relationships.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
No, but I donāt enjoy dating life, either. Life in general is an unending stream of demands, and I never get enough time to stop, breath, and reset. Thatās true while Iām single, and it was true while I was dating.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
- My living space is my own. Everything stays exactly where I left it, and I can decorate as I please.
- I eat when and what I want. I can cook or eat out as I choose. Meals donāt need to be a production, and if I want to stock up and eat the same thing for weeks on end thereās no one to complain about it.
- My time is my own. I can schedule things whenever and I donāt need to coordinate calendars. If I need to travel for work I can drop everything and just go.
- No fucking kids. My niece, nephew, and soon to be 2nd nephew are plenty.
Cons:
- Iām so lonely. So very lonely.
- Porn addiction. I have a high sex drive, no healthy outlet for it, and itās an easy dopamine hit for stress and anxiety relief.
- Financial stress. Iām barely getting by on a single income.
- Constantly questioning my identity. I think Iām some flavor of aromantic sex-positive asexual, and I suspect Iām bi and/or trans, but Iāve got no partner to explore my own gender and sexuality with. Itās hard to tell how much is real and how much is my mind spinning off the rails with nothing to latch on to.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes. Iād like to settle down with a fellow introvert so we can be alone together.
I was in two brief relationships with the same person some 10 years ago. I am single certainly by choice, Iām a sovereign person who loves their absolute independence, I get to do or not do whatever I want, whenever I want. Committing to be with someone is not my thing.
Sometimes itās lonely when a certain kind of friend is not available. Befriending single people is always a gamble, if they enter a relationship they are likely to fade out of existence pretty quick.
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18 years (the whole life so far).
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I guess a weird combination? I donāt even know what to do. Iād need a precise step-by-step manualā¦
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No.
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I donāt know. I donāt have what to compare to.
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I donāt understand the question.
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N/A
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N/A
Thereās no manual. Just get out there and try, learn from experience.
I didnāt mean it that much as a joke, unfortunately.
Iāve been thinking how to explain this for those 2 hours, but I donāt know.
I just canāt really ājust do somethingā.
What I meant by āstep-by-step manualā would be like a plan of exactly what to do, what to say. I canāt even imagine what people do on a date.
Even just trying to start a short conversation is generally a big challenge for me. I sometimes have like 1 or 2 things I want to tell/show to someone, but I may be waiting with that even for weeks.And just trying to talk to someone, itās like trying to breathe underwater. The brain just stops you from breathing, itās like my throat just closes and I canāt say a thing.
Also, unfortunately, I have the habit of instinctively replying āI donāt know.ā to basically any question.Similarly itās with doing something for the first time. I usually take time with pre-planning stuff to detail.
For example when I was taking a city bus in a different city I even checked how to take the ticket. What payment system they use, whether I need to press something on the screen, where the ticket comes out of, whether it gets fully or partially cut off. Thankfully, that bus company published videos showcasing their system. (Thank you)
Otherwise Iād be checking on forums, looking at background of news reports from that general area, etcā¦Thereās no good explanation for this. I justā¦ canāt.
I am a terrible person, so itās probably better this way anyway.Illness, whether physical or mental, does not make someone a terrible human. Social anxiety is incredibly common. Alcohol works as a nice social lubricant on a first date but Iād also recommend seeking formal treatment for your issues. There are medications and therapies that work to handle anxiety (ideally both at the same time)
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38 years and counting. Do I win?
Coming up on 8 years. Iām in my late 20s.
I had a string of very intense relationships early on and found life much less stressful without one.
I have enjoyed it. But approaching my 30s Iāve realized how much I want to share my life with someone. I am fortunate enough to have many close friends, both male and female, and would love to have that chemistry and support available daily, in a more intimate context.
Pros, unquestionable agency. Cons, occasional intense loneliness and being unable to spend much time with friends who are in their own relationships.
A partnership is a goal of mine, yes. But Iām reaching for that goal by first working to make sure Iām the best possible version of myself that I can be.
Over a year.
I hate people. Modern dating is a shit show. Not interested.
What makes you hate people?
About two weeks now, she broke it off cause I fucked up, I know I did.
a few months ago we had sex, it had been building and it was nice, but about a week or two after she said she didnāt want anymore till marriage for religious reasons, which I understood as we both come from Christian backgrounds.
The problem came from my sexual frustration affecting my actions, I tried respecting her boundary but as we would cuddle a lot, I would get aroused and then frustrated with myself.
Two weeks prior to our breakup, I asked if she would let me relieve myself as I tried this the last time we hung out and was much more relaxed, but I didnāt want to force her out of the room to do so
So I asked if she wanted to stay, she first said yes, which I knew was a lie, and I asked her again at which she said no and left the room
She came back a few minutes later and asked to go home, which I took her home feeling awful cause I knew I made her uncomfortable.
Other frustrations with family and financial that I didnāt deal with caused me to act irrationally (generally just irritated) the subsequent weeks, she then broke it off and it took me awhile to realize all of what I had done, I knew I messed up that day, but that wasnāt the only thing.
I shouldāve changed my mindset and made her boundary my boundary, and reached out and talked about what was frustrating me instead of dancing around it, I feel awful and want to try and fix it, I miss her family deeply and all I want to do is have dinner with them, sit on the couch and watch a stupid movie.
Iām trying to do other things that make me happy but Iām finding it tough, tried working out but I lose energy quickly, games are feeling dull, my friends that I can still hangout with arenāt available right now and wonāt be for months. Iām having trouble finding a job, and Iām considering joining the military, but Iām just tired, so so tired.
People say that it gets better with time, but I just feel like itās getting worse. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better but idk. She was my first relationship, but weāve known each other for a long time, and Iāve known her family for just as long, and it feels like a lot of things I love are just gone now.
Donāt join the military if you werenāt already considering it before the breakup.
I was considering it before we dated, but with my financial problems and job troubles this break up brought it to my mind again
Just recognize that youāre in a difficult situation right now, and donāt let the short-term impact your long-term.
Sounds like you donāt have the same boundaries or really want the same things. Thatās a compatibility issue. Yeah, pushing her boundaries was probably wrong. The right thing to do wouldāve been acknowledging you want something different and breaking it off.
And it does get easier with time. Maybe not every day but month by month it gets easier.
How much time have you spent being single?
Since the last āwe might get marriedā relationship its been almost 15 years.
If youāre currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
The main reasons I am single are that I dont go out and socialize enough to find someone and I havenāt really tried to find someone because I didnāt feel I was in a good place to be in a relationship.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
I am ok being single but it would be nice to find my other half or at least have a stronger social network.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: freedom, not being with someone that made me feel worse than being alone
Cons: can be lonely, a healthy relationship is more appealing.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Eventually Iād like to find āmy other halfā but I also know that there are worse things than being single and Iād rather make meeting my social needs my goal rather than not being single the goal.