never leave home without your lunchables

or your dinnerables, for that matter. not sure about breakfastables or second breakfastables though

so what was the job? if your boss had time to whip lunchmeat at moving vehicles… what was he paying you to do?

for some of us kids, it’s a bit easier to come by a slice of balogna than a pint of brake fluid. that said, I’ve known the many benefits of brake fluid since I was just a 12 year old dipshit in grade 7

YSK: I’ve known this since I was in middle school in 1987

dean cain is 60 now. I feel like that stupidass superman show he was in was just cancelled a few years ago. man, time sure flies when you’re clinically depressed

from another article, in which John Leguizamo and Margaret Cho rip on Cain:

Cain is also a longtime supporter of President Trump. “I love President Trump. I’ve been friends with him forever,” the actor told Variety last month. “Trump is actually one of the most empathetic, wonderful, generous people you’ll ever meet."

It’s official, this dude is a fucking moron and a sociopath

dude this thing has a flashlight? you son of a bitch, I’m in

I think that goes without saying

My retirement plan is assisted suicide (in Canada, of course). Feels weird to be saving for death, but this is the reality we live in. What else can I do? Wait until I can’t work anymore and can’t pay my mortgage and hydro bill? And then what, hang myself in the barn? Fuck that, I want to go out high af and feeling no pain.

oh no, the world will find out I’m 50. oh the shame, oh the horror.

vanity and self-importance have no limits, and nowhere is this more apparent than on social media. getting arrested for it seems somewhat extreme, but who am I to fly in the face of authoritarian regimes

Poor Tankist, that must’ve been harrowing to be the last man holding the position. All his buddies killed, surrounded by enemy, wounded in both legs so he can’t walk, surviving endless attempts by the orcs to kill him and take his position, this he endures for 4 or 5 days. Then he finally gets the e-bike and almost immediately hits a landmine on his way out.

does anyone else ever get the Simon & Simon theme song stuck in their head for no discernible reason? maybe it’s because that show came on just after bedtime, so I had to lay there listening to it, and all the shows my parents would watch as I fell asleep.

which brings me to the best theme song ever: Taxi

I hope that never leaves my head, it’s amazing and is like a massive sleeping pill when I hear it

reminds me of that sunfish copypasta that came out all those years ago and influenced an entire generation of sunfish haters

She controls his agenda. She sometimes takes decisions on his behalf.

… what exactly does “takes decisions on his behalf” mean? I’ve never “taken” someone else’s decision, afaik… but I don’t really know what that’s supposed to mean, so whatever

the answers to all your questions lie in the article you didn’t read

egg yellows omelette with a side of fried chicken. truly the breakfast of champions

possibly wingtipped

oh I get it, it’s because it says “your anus” omfg lolol it never gets old, so goddamn hilarious lol wow insane comedy lol holy shit hahaha… oh crap, my mom’s gonna be home in a few minutes and I was supposed to change my own diapers today… gotta go but I’m looking forward to the next middle-school comedy post

When you see “24 people injured by bees” you’re picturing the bees hiding around the corner with a 2x4 and smacking anyone who walks by. Pretty bizarre situation that could have been caused by those giant hornets who prey on bees, according to one theory

AURILLAC, France (AP) — A unusual attack by bees in the French town of Aurillac has left 24 people injured, including three who were in critical condition but have since improved, according to local authorities.

Passersby were stung over a period of about 30 minutes on Sunday morning, according to the Prefecture of Cantal, in south-central France. Firefighters and medical teams were rushed to the scene to treat the victims, while police set up a security perimeter until the bees stopped their attack.

The three people in critical condition were evacuated to a local hospital. Pierre Mathonier, the mayor of Aurillac, told French broadcaster BFM TV on Monday that their condition has improved.

One of them was a 78-year-old person who had to be resuscitated after cardiorespiratory arrest and is now in stable condition, he said. The two others “are in good health,” he added.

According to the mayor, the incident may have been related to Asian hornets threatening a beehive that had been installed on the roof terrace of a downtown hotel more than a decade ago. He said that this had likely caused the bees to become aggressive.