So I’m sitting here at my desk.  To be fair I love my desk and sitting here does make me feel good.  I’m supposed to be writing, so now I am.  I’ve been feeling very lost lately.  I don’t know what I’m doing here.  I know what I want to be doing and how I want to be feeling, but I can’t seem to get there.  For years I’ve been in awe of other people who seem to get it.  They’ve got a job, family, friends.  They always have something to do, and they are doing it.  How do they do it?  My everyday life is often full of questions, especially when I feel happy or content.  Those are when the monster questions arise.  Why be happy?  This is just meaningless shit.  Then the other side of my brain says, well of course it is but that’s ok, that’s life. But the nasty side keeps piping up with the whys and what fors.  I start sewing something or writing something and as soon as I start to feel like things are on the up, that nasty voice pops up.  You’re going to die anyway and then what? Then nothing. I believe that there is something after this life but the nasty voice doesn’t even allow me to have that.  Nope.  Nothing.  No one will know you.  You will truly be alone in darkness and silence.  That is the everyday crap I have to put up with to try and live a “normal” life.  I thought putting it down on paper, so to speak, would be good.  It might stimulate my writing process but damn it’s just making it difficult to sit here.

All right.  I’m going to publish this cause at least I’m contributing something to this obnoxious blog.  Then I’m going to actually do some writing on my short story because believe it or not, I do want to write.  I am so messed up.  Anyway, it’s cool.  Hope y’all are having a good day.  It’s real windy here.  I love to listen to the wind in the trees.

Peace