Aussie Stud
Joined May 2000
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Aussie Stud's rating
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Aussie Stud's rating
This was hands down one of the WORST films (Gay, Straight, Asian, Western, WHATEVER, WHEREVER!!!!) I have ever seen in my ENTIRE life.
Recently I have gotten into gay Asian cinema, watching outstanding films such as "Fleeing By Night" and light comedies such as "Cut Sleeve Boys". Then Netflix recommended this garbage and the premise sounded cute so I decided to go ahead and rent it.
Be warned folks, this movie is downright pathetic. The movie is so low budget it looks like it was filmed with a digital camera, the actors appear as if they were rounded up while waiting outside a gay bar, the script was blatantly ripped off from "Miss Congeniality" and given an Asian spin and the dialog and script is so abysmal, Uwe Boll comes off as a cinematic genius.
The plot (if you could call it that) centers around two best friends A-Hong and A-Shing, one is supposedly straight and the other is a flaming queen. A "pop idol"-like contest arises for gay men and the prize is 10 million dollars. The straight dude has a selfish girlfriend who blew all of his money on shopping debts and he figures he can enter the contest posing as a gay dude.
Enter basically every single plot line from "Miss Congeniality", psycho targeting the competition with a bomb, over-the-top camp emcee (what, William Shatner wasn't available for this either?), an array of colorful and outrageous pageant entrants, an undercover "swat team officer" joining the ranks... this movie was so offensive on every level to my remaining brain cells that I wanted to throw my DVD player out the window.
Not to mention that they kept re-running the same awful song over the soundtrack, again and again and again. Some no-talent guy singing with a guitar - I didn't even know what he was singing and yet I just wanted him to stop. At this point, my friend (who also got suckered into watching this trash) and I were laughing with embarrassment at nearly every aspect of this movie, we pretty much stopped following whatever plot there was - not that this film required any kind of deep attention.
By the time the credits roll and all of the main cast members are doing a montage of goofing off, singing and playing instruments - you'll be cracking ribs with embarrassment over how lame this movie is. I don't believe I have ever seen a movie this rotten from ANYWHERE in a long time.
So beware viewers, if you want a semi-decent gay Taiwanese film to watch - try "Eternal Summer" or "Formula 17". This movie was so beyond pathetic, I am trying my hardest to warn EVERYONE not to see it - I wouldn't even recommend this trash to my WORST ENEMY.
Recently I have gotten into gay Asian cinema, watching outstanding films such as "Fleeing By Night" and light comedies such as "Cut Sleeve Boys". Then Netflix recommended this garbage and the premise sounded cute so I decided to go ahead and rent it.
Be warned folks, this movie is downright pathetic. The movie is so low budget it looks like it was filmed with a digital camera, the actors appear as if they were rounded up while waiting outside a gay bar, the script was blatantly ripped off from "Miss Congeniality" and given an Asian spin and the dialog and script is so abysmal, Uwe Boll comes off as a cinematic genius.
The plot (if you could call it that) centers around two best friends A-Hong and A-Shing, one is supposedly straight and the other is a flaming queen. A "pop idol"-like contest arises for gay men and the prize is 10 million dollars. The straight dude has a selfish girlfriend who blew all of his money on shopping debts and he figures he can enter the contest posing as a gay dude.
Enter basically every single plot line from "Miss Congeniality", psycho targeting the competition with a bomb, over-the-top camp emcee (what, William Shatner wasn't available for this either?), an array of colorful and outrageous pageant entrants, an undercover "swat team officer" joining the ranks... this movie was so offensive on every level to my remaining brain cells that I wanted to throw my DVD player out the window.
Not to mention that they kept re-running the same awful song over the soundtrack, again and again and again. Some no-talent guy singing with a guitar - I didn't even know what he was singing and yet I just wanted him to stop. At this point, my friend (who also got suckered into watching this trash) and I were laughing with embarrassment at nearly every aspect of this movie, we pretty much stopped following whatever plot there was - not that this film required any kind of deep attention.
By the time the credits roll and all of the main cast members are doing a montage of goofing off, singing and playing instruments - you'll be cracking ribs with embarrassment over how lame this movie is. I don't believe I have ever seen a movie this rotten from ANYWHERE in a long time.
So beware viewers, if you want a semi-decent gay Taiwanese film to watch - try "Eternal Summer" or "Formula 17". This movie was so beyond pathetic, I am trying my hardest to warn EVERYONE not to see it - I wouldn't even recommend this trash to my WORST ENEMY.
Michael Caine is absolutely embarrassing in this 1981 bore-fest that tries too hard to pass itself off as legitimate "horror" but comes off as any other number of his misfire films from the 70's and 80's that can be found in a cut-out bin at your local non-chain video store (or nowhere at all).
There are only a few moments of unintentional humor, such as the "paper crumpling" sounds that can be heard whenever "the hand" goes for a walk, or the complete inability to act by Andrea Marcovicci who plays his wife. Every scene Marcovicci is in reeks of "D-Grade acting". In fact, I swear half the time she isn't even trying, like she's hamming it up on stage for some ridiculous off-Broadway production that no one bothered to see.
Most people who visit this page must already know what "THE HAND" is about. Basically Caine is a comic illustrator/writer who loses his hand in an accident after he sticks it out of a car window while his wife fails to pay attention to the truck in front of them. This was probably the "goriest" scene which involves red blood spraying out of a bloody stump. Don't hold your breath, there aren't any other gory scenes following this one.
So Caine revisits the accident site trying to find his missing hand and of course, it's gone. Meanwhile, we have a "hand-cam" following a gray hand walking around country-sides and hitching rides(!!), choking people to death, mostly those who have either wronged Caine or upset him. So by now, this would make a great movie to watch while either stoned or in the mood for a comedy, but it provides no entertainment to either party.
Most of the actors/characters in this movie are so grating, unsympathetic and obnoxious, you pray that "the hand" is going to get them fast, especially the wife. The "ending" should not have continued to the scene with the psychiatrist as I thought it was nicely wrapped up the way it was first explained. But then again, all lousy horror movies need to end with a scene that leave them open for sequelitis should they become financially successful ("BASKET CASE", here's looking at you!).
Caine acts to a level that is unnecessary for the dreck that he is starring in. I've always felt that Caine is a very good actor (it's not common to see Caine deliver a bad acting performance) yet has starred in so many horrible and forgettable movies that it's quite amazing how broad his resume stretches. "THE HAND" is up there with "THE ISLAND", "THE JIGSAW MAN", "ASHANTI" and "PEEPER" as some of the worst movies he's ever starred in.
This movie isn't even worth it for a good laugh or two. You'll only get one, and that's when Caine yells "Get back, you silly cow!!!" to the female driver that causes his accident. Trust me, that's not a good thing either!
There are only a few moments of unintentional humor, such as the "paper crumpling" sounds that can be heard whenever "the hand" goes for a walk, or the complete inability to act by Andrea Marcovicci who plays his wife. Every scene Marcovicci is in reeks of "D-Grade acting". In fact, I swear half the time she isn't even trying, like she's hamming it up on stage for some ridiculous off-Broadway production that no one bothered to see.
Most people who visit this page must already know what "THE HAND" is about. Basically Caine is a comic illustrator/writer who loses his hand in an accident after he sticks it out of a car window while his wife fails to pay attention to the truck in front of them. This was probably the "goriest" scene which involves red blood spraying out of a bloody stump. Don't hold your breath, there aren't any other gory scenes following this one.
So Caine revisits the accident site trying to find his missing hand and of course, it's gone. Meanwhile, we have a "hand-cam" following a gray hand walking around country-sides and hitching rides(!!), choking people to death, mostly those who have either wronged Caine or upset him. So by now, this would make a great movie to watch while either stoned or in the mood for a comedy, but it provides no entertainment to either party.
Most of the actors/characters in this movie are so grating, unsympathetic and obnoxious, you pray that "the hand" is going to get them fast, especially the wife. The "ending" should not have continued to the scene with the psychiatrist as I thought it was nicely wrapped up the way it was first explained. But then again, all lousy horror movies need to end with a scene that leave them open for sequelitis should they become financially successful ("BASKET CASE", here's looking at you!).
Caine acts to a level that is unnecessary for the dreck that he is starring in. I've always felt that Caine is a very good actor (it's not common to see Caine deliver a bad acting performance) yet has starred in so many horrible and forgettable movies that it's quite amazing how broad his resume stretches. "THE HAND" is up there with "THE ISLAND", "THE JIGSAW MAN", "ASHANTI" and "PEEPER" as some of the worst movies he's ever starred in.
This movie isn't even worth it for a good laugh or two. You'll only get one, and that's when Caine yells "Get back, you silly cow!!!" to the female driver that causes his accident. Trust me, that's not a good thing either!
"99 Women" starring Oscar-winner Mercedes McCambridge as a sadistic prison warden and Maria Schell as a super-intendant with lesbionic tendencies towards one of the female inmates, who'd have thought that you could have gone wrong with this one? Apparently not me as I was quite excited about my purchase of this movie. It was pretty horrible as expected, but not in a good way. I was hoping this was going to be one of those hilarious women-in-prison exploitation flicks that were high in camp value. Hell, Mercedes McCambridge is in it! First off, the movie started off positively. We have three broads arriving on a boat, still in the clothes they were apparently arrested in, tried in Court, and then literally, sent up the river in! We are introduced to the blonde starlet, Marie, the black-haired stripper, Helga, and some other brunette who dies from some sort of "accident" that required medical surgery.
The camp factor needle hits "HIGH" as soon as we are introduced to Mercedes McCambridge appearing in a warden's uniform, barking orders in a faux-German accent (even though her name is Thelma Diaz) and giving Marie a backhand across the face for using her name instead of her number, "99".
However it only gets worse from here. While there are certainly some entertaining cat-fight scenes (ie hair-pulling, clothes being ripped off, face slapping, etc), the rest of the film is incredibly boring. There is a sadistic male warden (Herbert Lom) who coerces one of the female prisoners into seducing Marie for his pleasure, and there is one un-named prison guard who has the most hilarious facial expressions when introducing guests to McCambridge, but the rest of the film falls flat.
Maria Schell is not in the film nearly enough, and when she is, it's hard to determine what her true agenda is. It seems like she has a thing for Marie, but they never explore it.
When the girls finally break out and trek through a "jungle", there are a few more camp moments, such as the scene with the harmless snake where upon spotting it and instead of running around it, the girls proceed to scream, grab it and cut it with a knife (LOL). The other semi-amusing moment was watching Marie and Helga make a dash for the fishing boats, hand-in-hand and wearing nothing short of see-through panties and torn jumpsuits.
Mercedes McCambridge was the movie's only saving grace. Her accent border-lined German and Spanish, and she had some pretty hilarious one-liners such as, "She was put in the punishment cell... for repeated insolences!" At various moments, her voice deepened into that same voice she used as Pazuzu in "The Exorcist", I thought maybe she was going to morph into Satan at any moment.
The most interesting thing that I heard about this movie was that there is an X-rated version out there. I watched the un-rated version which had no explicit sex scenes, only some gratuitous breast shots and a glimpse of bush. I shudder at the thought that Mercedes McCambridge might have filmed a scene not knowing that at some later point her body double would be enjoying an explicit lesbian sex scene with one of the female prisoners.
I would not recommend this movie to any women-in-prison enthusiasts out there. In fact, I would only recommend this movie to Mercedes McCambridge fans as she is the sole reason I gave this movie "one star". Don't waste your time with this one folks.
The camp factor needle hits "HIGH" as soon as we are introduced to Mercedes McCambridge appearing in a warden's uniform, barking orders in a faux-German accent (even though her name is Thelma Diaz) and giving Marie a backhand across the face for using her name instead of her number, "99".
However it only gets worse from here. While there are certainly some entertaining cat-fight scenes (ie hair-pulling, clothes being ripped off, face slapping, etc), the rest of the film is incredibly boring. There is a sadistic male warden (Herbert Lom) who coerces one of the female prisoners into seducing Marie for his pleasure, and there is one un-named prison guard who has the most hilarious facial expressions when introducing guests to McCambridge, but the rest of the film falls flat.
Maria Schell is not in the film nearly enough, and when she is, it's hard to determine what her true agenda is. It seems like she has a thing for Marie, but they never explore it.
When the girls finally break out and trek through a "jungle", there are a few more camp moments, such as the scene with the harmless snake where upon spotting it and instead of running around it, the girls proceed to scream, grab it and cut it with a knife (LOL). The other semi-amusing moment was watching Marie and Helga make a dash for the fishing boats, hand-in-hand and wearing nothing short of see-through panties and torn jumpsuits.
Mercedes McCambridge was the movie's only saving grace. Her accent border-lined German and Spanish, and she had some pretty hilarious one-liners such as, "She was put in the punishment cell... for repeated insolences!" At various moments, her voice deepened into that same voice she used as Pazuzu in "The Exorcist", I thought maybe she was going to morph into Satan at any moment.
The most interesting thing that I heard about this movie was that there is an X-rated version out there. I watched the un-rated version which had no explicit sex scenes, only some gratuitous breast shots and a glimpse of bush. I shudder at the thought that Mercedes McCambridge might have filmed a scene not knowing that at some later point her body double would be enjoying an explicit lesbian sex scene with one of the female prisoners.
I would not recommend this movie to any women-in-prison enthusiasts out there. In fact, I would only recommend this movie to Mercedes McCambridge fans as she is the sole reason I gave this movie "one star". Don't waste your time with this one folks.