Vampyres

This film had neither the so bad it's good cheese of say John Carpenter's Vampires or the intrigue of a film like Chronos or Byzantine. Instead we have very bad acting, massively unlikeable protagonists, but worst a flat storyline, little tension and just sleezy pornographic scenes that are more uncomfortable than sexy or even shocking. I was bored. I hated the main characters, who were on one hand arty working on a movie or something, one of them suffering a break up. Yet on the other they seemed only interested in sex. If that's your cheesey hook, don't try and make me take them seriously! RUBBISH! The editing was clunky to say the least, and some shots were good the whole film was just boring and confused. The arty movie with no brains, good plot or acting, but not a fun cheese fest either. Avoid.

Vampyres: A remake of the 1974 film. Not great and a bit disjointed. Two Vampire sirens live in an old dilapidated house, they seduce or ambush their victims in the woods. There are plenty of throats slashed with knives (these vampires don't have sharp canines) and victims being hung upside down so that the blood drinkers may bathe in their blood. The plot really could be more coherent but the vampire lore and their hunting methods are entertaining if you are a horror fan, not for the squeamish though. There's also a victim who strikes back with a crossbow. Instead of villagers in the inn giving warnings we have women who run a B&B who caution travelers. Just about worth watching. Directed & written by Víctor Matellano. On Netflix. 5/10.

Directed by Víctor Matellano (Wax, 2014), this is a Spanish remake of the 1974 British movie of the same name. Despite being (very obviously) filmed in Spain, this version retains the English countryside setting of the original. Two female vampires lure unsuspecting travellers to their large, rundown house, where they can feed on them at their leisure. Three young campers unknowingly pitch their tent near the house (and its cemetery - that should have been a clue!) and begin to fall victim to the women. That's pretty much it. There's no backstory for the vampires, they're just there and they kill whoever they can. The original was one of the early films to really lean into the 'lesbian vampire' trope and acquired a cult following because of it (and the - at the time - shocking combination of nudity and bloodshed). This certainly delivers on all those fronts, with some of the bloodletting bordering on Hostel II-type 'torture porn'. But that's really all it is. All the characters feel flat, and by the end of the film we don't really know them any better than we did when we first met them. Because of that there's very little tension and we don't care about them. The score is pretty lacklustre, with a couple of really out-of-place songs, and a lot of the camera work has a 'made-for-TV' look to it. As for the ending, there isn't much of one. It just... stops.

With the exception of some cameos (which I'll mention in a second) the entire cast is Spanish. Marta Flich and Almudena León do well with what their given as the vampires (particularly the remarkably striking Flich, who has the perfect look for this kind of role - Hammer would have swept her up in a heartbeat in the 1970s). Verónica Polo as one of the campers, although bland early on, takes it up a notch and delivers when she realises these woman are going to kill her and eat her. But the rest of the cast are unremarkable. Of those cameos, the best known is undoubtedly former Hammer and Bond babe Caroline Munro (in a fair sized but utterly irrelevant role), spending much of her time alongside Lone Fleming (the Blind Dead series, 1970s). There's also Hilda Fuchs (Pieces, 1982), Antonio Mayans (Zombie Lake, 1981), Conrado San Martin (The Awful Dr. Orlof, 1962), and - in her last role - the late May Heatherly (Cannibal Apocalypse, 1980). I can't believe Matellano wouldn't have asked Marianne Morris and Anulka Dziubinska (stars of the original movie) as well; they must have said no. Probably with good reason. A real disappointment. 3.5/10.

Despite the quote from Theophile Gautier's La Morte Amoureuse, cameos by Caroline Munro and Lone Fleming, and the well-cast Vampyres, this remake is almost complete misfire. All the Gothic atmosphere is replaced with cheap and almost amateurish digi look, dull scenery and ugly setting where the vampettes live. Soft porn grinding is still there, so are the brutally bloody killings - sometimes even approaching torture porn territory.

Verdict: sadly goes to category Useless Remakes.

This sort of feels like a remake of 70s movies with the same title. But to be honest there have been quite a few erotic movies in the 70s with lesbian vampires. So this is maybe something that was gone for a while, but it was merely sleeping in the dark - no pun intended.

So after all that lurking, maybe you have to be forgiving when it comes to the acting of it all. The accent is not helping, unless it is a thing you'd consider "authentic". That said, a lot of nudity, a lot blood (the throat cutting effects in the film are quite well done and the movie knows it) ... I reckon there are worse movies. Especially if you don't mind the non-plot you are being served or the non-actors trying their luck to act ... is that a pun?