Starship: Rising

It was a porno right? I mean it must have been... what with the obvious innuendo twist on Jupiter Ascending (not heard it referred to as a "starship" before but whatever), much like the Flesh gordon take on Flash Gordon, the crappy acting, non existent plot. meaningless dialogue and the dodgy looking women displaying more make up than a Debenhams cosmetic counter and obvious low budget.

The narration started off quite well; thought it was going to have a Red Dwarf theme initially. Then it went a bit Doctor Whoish, which didn't bode well and by the time the introductory narration finished I had not only lost the plot but also the will to live.

Anyway, things perked up a bit when this fairly fit looking blonde rucked up. Here we go, I thought; crappy intro- check, crappy acting - check. About time for the blond to turn around to one of the guys and come up with some cheesy line like "Is that a "starship" in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me" before getting her kit off and some raunchy action. Boy was I disappointed. Where were all the sex scenes for fecks sake? Did they just forget to put them in or what? Veerrry disappointing.

Absolutely nothing redeeming about this title at all. The acting is bad, the dialogue is worse, the special effects are not special at all, the cinematography is lackluster, the costumes are like the kind you make as cosplayer, the sound was bad, the musical score basically non-existent, and to top it off the story is boring and uninteresting

If you watch the first 5 minutes you will immediately regret it. The main character is explaining their back story in this sci-fi futuristic action movie and they decided that adding scan lines to the video would make it more futuristic. And not well done scan lines that make the video seem like it might actually be a video...just a low transparency set of scan lines that a 12 year old would put into a video game they are programming because they saw the movie Aliens for the first time.

If you make it further than the abysmal intro you are sure to regret it. I had to force myself to finish it because I just wanted to see how bad it could really get and it gets really bad. Please if you have not watched this, do yourself a favor and don't. There is a reason it has such a low rating...if I could give it 0 I would, but 1 is the lowest possible score.

I could have done a better voice-over with out even trying if that gives you any clue how bad this movie was.

Forget waterboarding, force our enemies to watch this movie instead. It will get confessions out of them quickly. NO MORE, PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!

The actors, and I hesitate calling them that were terrible. Is there a sub-Z list?

The fat guy co-pilot who liked like he hasn't gotten out of a chair (except to eat) for fifteen years. Yea right, he couldn't have been co-pilot, he'd have to burn at least some calories moving.

Most of the live action was obviously filmed over a green screen and had this weird blur/fuzz over it.

The costumes consisted mainly of baseball and hockey gear spray painted silver, with electrical conduit strapped on.

What was good about it? Some of the special effects were kind of okay, they didn't all look cheap. And actually the music score wasn't that bad.

This is a movie that shouldn't have been made. And then the agony, a sequel is (gasp) announced at the end before the credits.

Why watch trash like this when there is something better?

Plot

This story is horrendous. I did my best, but I couldn't make sense of the plot, though I thought I could make head or tails of it when I was watching the trailer. Basically there is this spaceship and there are some people on it and around them there are a number of populated planets and moons, yet ask me what this all means and I won't be able to tell you.

Character Development

I didn't even know any of the character so I cannot say if any of them developed, but somehow I doubt it.

Acting

The acting, the hand to hand combat, the gun fighting and everything in between was awful. It just shows that you need some knowhow and talent to put a film together and it certainly helps when you got a working script for your actors to act from. I don't think I believe a single word anyone had said.

Overview

I gave this movie a chance because some of those that review it before me left room in their criticisms. Let me close that gap and say there is no way I am going to be watching the sequel. If you can believe it this film doesn't finish and leaves an opening to keep going. That would be a mistake because there is nothing good to continue. Better to make a fresh start in a completely new direction.

Somewhere right now Roger Corman is practicing rolling in his grave.

gar·bage /ɡärbij/ noun North American

wasted or spoiled food and other refuse.

synonyms: trash, rubbish, refuse, waste, detritus, litter, junk, scrap; scraps, leftovers, remains, slops, nonsense, balderdash, claptrap, twaddle, blather; dross, rubbish, tripe, jive, bilge, bull, bunk, poppycock, piffle, bunkum, vulgar, slangcrap, crapola

...and now a recipe for Corned Beef Hash:

1 Heat butter in a large skillet (preferably cast iron) on medium heat. Add the onion and cook a few minutes, until translucent.

2 Mix in the chopped corned beef and potatoes. Spread out evenly over the pan. Increase the heat to high or medium high and press down on the mixture with a metal spatula.

3 Do not stir the potatoes and corned beef, but let them brown. If you hear them sizzling, this is good. Use a metal spatula to peek underneath and see if they are browning. If nicely browned, use the spatula to flip sections over in the pan so that they brown on the other side. Press down again with the spatula. If there is too much sticking, you can add a little more butter to the pan. Continue to cook in this manner until the potatoes and the corned beef are nicely browned.

4 Remove from heat, stir in chopped parsley. Add plenty of freshly ground black pepper, and add salt to taste.

Serve with fried or poached eggs for breakfast.

...'nuff said.