La Légende des mondes

Some movies defy reviews.

Think "Zardoz." Think "Myra Breckinridge." Think of any time you've said, "What the hell planet is this movie from?" That's this movie.

The gorgeous location shooting, along with the grand adventure narrative, give the impression hack filmmaking house The Asylum's goal here was to evoke a John Milius' "Conan the Barbarian"-type epic.

What turned it to gold was the decision to populate the cast almost entirely with Thai midgets. And they fight giant spiders and battle cavemen who ride flying Komodo dragons. Because yeah. And all of this takes place, the beginning of the film instructs us, in "Indonesia, 12,000 years ago."

Shoehorned into the story are some dude from "Stargate SG-1" and every-man's-Asian-girlfriend-nightmare Bai Ling, because the movie needed star power and Bai Ling probably needed the money for bail or booze.

But they don't matter, because what this movie is really about is wildly overacting, violently gesticulating little people who have been dubbed, apparently, by the same people who dubbed all those "Godzilla" movies in the 1960s.

Folks, they're WONDERFUL. They chew through the scenery, barking their lines and flailing their arms like Ewok Shatners.

They turned what might have been an above-average adventure offering from The Asylum, like "Princess of Mars," into an astounding Munchkinland/Lord-of-the-Rings/tiny-chicks-in-the-box-from-"Mothra" mashup.

It's pure movie crystal meth. You know it's poison. You know it's rotting your brain. But you just can't resist it.

And despite the cavemen's obvious joke-store fang teeth, despite the second most poorly rendered digital woolly rhinoceros ever put on screen (the first being, of course, Zach Galifianakis), despite your wanting Bai Ling to just stop yapping and take her clothes off (she does neither), you'll watch it again. Then you'll rent it again. Then you'll buy the DVD. Then you'll start selling "Clash of the Empires" DVDs just to support your viewing habit.

This is your brain. This is your brain on overacting Thai midgets. Any questions?

I hate to give such bad score for a film, but this is the typical idea that is better in a book. Each of the variables (Actors, effects, script, music, makeup, time, equipment, etc...) can transform the movie into a catastrophe (pretty much what's happen). I'm not saying that all aspects of this movie are awful, but in comparison with a international movie's standard... I could not give less. That is why I"m sorry, I try to understand all the good work and the good things that the movie have as well, but still seams an idea way too ambitious for what they have in hands. I like all kinds of movies, and I know that is too easy criticize a work that is already done. but seriously, there is a lot of things in the movie that are stupid and unnecessary.

Cambodian styled 'Lord of the Rings' rip-off starring 'Stargate' alumni Chris Judge and veteran Chinese action star Ling ('The Crow') as a pair of elite warriors who accompany a family of hobbit-like people as they try to locate their mother whose been abducted and enslaved by savages.

The CGI dinosaurs and special effects are better than usual, but the painful dubbing mars what could've almost been a modest 'Mysterious Island' esque adventure (it otherwise bares little relationship with the hobbit franchise, aside from the diminutive cast members).

Co-star Ling's obvious fitness and athleticism belies her age, and she looks and acts like the real deadly deal, but the acting is otherwise stilted and amateurish (the extras in many of the Javan warrior scenes invariably act too casually or too intense). The cave-dwelling, elf-eating cannibal queen with the bad teeth is a pretty scary sight, alas she gets too little screen time to make a lasting impression.

Too bloody for juvenile fare, and likely too low-budget to appeal to a mainstream audience who may have arrived expecting something akin to a JRR Tolkien epic. Attractive set design and costumes demonstrate some care and expense, but it's still strictly B-grade material.

(2012) Clash of the Empires HISTORICAL ACTION FICTION

In order for China and Rome to make peace with one another, Rome would have to send in their prince, in this case, it's Marcus (Gavin Stenhouse) to marry one of China's princesses named, Princess Meng Li Hua (Jing Lusi). The Roman army also needed the assistance of a Malaysian warrior named Merong (Stephen Rahman Hughes), who also has a score to settle with an evil Malaysian wizard, as well as a radical Malaysian army group, intent to sabotage the whole peace process altogether, between China and Rome. And they do this by kidnapping the princess. The demographic audience for this movie sometimes seems like it's intended for kids, while there are other times it's intended for adults. I guess, it's for adults during the times when they're subtitles that needed to be read, with the silly comedy bits intended for kids. Then there's the CGI, which looks totally fake, as well as the fight scenes which I have to say sometimes look phony- at times looked like that it was made for TV which surprisingly is not. 1/2 a star.

You can't help but laugh throughout most of this movie when you sit down to watch it, provided you actually can endure sitting through it. This is another wonderful movie production from The Asylum, and given the title of the movie "Age of the Hobbits", though I can't start to fathom how come the movie's original title "Clash of the Empires" managed to mutate into "Age of the Hobbits", aside from a lame attempt to cash in on the recently released Peter Jackson movie "The Hobbit", because this movie has absolutely nothing to do with hobbits in any sense of the word.

What went through the minds of the people at The Asylum when this movie was dished out of the creative think-box? Let's go to wonderful Indonesia, round out a heap of little people and make a semi-fantasy movie that is set somewhere in between ancient time when men were just beyond Neanderthal stage and a world with dragons and other gargantuan creatures (lizards and spiders). Seriously? But it actually works out, because it is so hilarious to watch that the movie actually grows on you.

Let's start with the people in the movie. There is a lot of little people on the cast list, and there is nothing wrong with that. But their speech is dubbed into English with a thick American accent. I didn't know that they spoke picture-perfect American in Indonesia 12,000 years ago. But I guess I was proved wrong. For some reason, then the 'enemies' of the heroes of the movie all looked like Neanderthals and were less intelligent as well. You just had to love the unibrow that they all had and the wonderfully fake teeth.

Then there were Christopher Judge and Bai Ling. What were they thinking, taking on a production project like this. Are they not familiar with the previous work of The Asylum? Or are the line of work for actors in Hollywood that far pressed? Regardless, I can only guess or wonder, and it is not really my place to question this. I was just at a loss to see these two people in this movie. Normally Bai Ling do manage to perform fairly well in movies, but her performance in this movie was just awful.

The fight scenes were adequate at times, but then there were moments where it was painfully staged and horribly executed by the performers.

But take this movie for what it is, a hilarious production from The Asylum, and as usual, you know what you are getting yourself into with this movie and their usual stuff. It should be said that The Asylum manages to spew out the occasional great movie once in a blue moon, "Clash of the Empires" (or "Age of the Hobbits") was not one such star moment. Far from it.

What really worked for the movie was the spectacular landscapes and wilderness surroundings in which the movie was shot. Plus, the hilarious entirety that is the movie.