The Bone Garden

I don't know where to begin. This was awful in every way. Unimaginably awful. I mean, the DP and sound guy knew their basic jobs, and they did a basic job. This wasn't even intentially bad, it was just plain inept on every level. The "twist" wasn't even uninspired, it was plain irrationally stupid. Stupid is the word, you see, because this movie doesn't deserve a more evocative adjective. I find it absolutely hilarious this guy made a movie recently which he subtitled "An Arthouse Film" because this movie was as far from creative, skillful, or artistic as you can possibly get. Everything about it was utterly basic-- as an example, the editing cut together conversations so that every time a person spoke, the camera showed them, except for a few token moments when the editor remembered you don't have to do that. Picture to yourself if the director and actors of the most inane Disney channel tween sitcom made a "thriller" with middle aged actors-- that's getting close to the joke this was.

I want my rating back. But one is the lowest number of stars available. The actors must have been desperate. Don't waste your time watching this movie. I don't know how this movie even got made, who okayed it, who invested in it? This couldn't be further from a thriller! It's a joke! An unbelievably bad joke!

Go watch What Lies Beneath. Then, stop. Unless you want to roll your eyes a lot. If you really want to be annoyed, watch this movie.. which takes bits and pieces of that movie and spins it into an incredibly stupid waste of time. I'm honestly not sure how the people who made this weren't sued by the creators of What Lies Beneath. Except the creators of that movie probably didn't want any parallels drawn because this one is so bad. So bad. Even copies the names at times. The main characters in WLB were Claire and her husband Norman, a professor at the local college. This main character in this isn't named Claire, but her husband is Norman a professor at the local college. Both suspected of an affair with a coed who's missing. And the lake that's a pivotal part of the plot is "Claire lake". Ha. There are neighbors in both movies that the main character suspects the husband of killing the wife. And there's a dog in both movies who frolics in a lake and stumbles upon a piece of jewelry. It's all so badly copied it's laughable. Even the best friend... A cheap ripoff of Diana Scarwid's character in WLB. There is even an almost exact conversation about a cool new car post-divorce to pick up guys in. Save yourself the hour and a half of watching this... Just watch What Lies Beneath with Michelle Pfeiffer and Harrison Ford. This movie is a joke.

The Bone Garden is a tough film to review. On one hand, when looked at for pure cinematic value, it is dismal. It's a cheaper than cheap thriller that would make the Asylum give it a hard pass. A lot of the cast are known for their various roles in the Friday the 13th franchise and there is a reason none of them ever went any further and most have all but disappeared: they can't act. Add a completely abysmal script and kid-with-his -first-camera level directing and you have a film that no one should ever have to see. But then, on the other hand, this film is unintentionally hilarious in a way few films have been since The Room. The overacting, fhe laughable dialogue, the clueless directing and editing...by the halfway mark I was beginning to wonder if they were trying to be this bad. So, as an actual film this is a complete trash heap but as a midnight movie with a crowd that's in on the joke, it has a future.

You know how sometimes you are hoping that a character ends up dead early on. That's exactly what I felt watching this movie. Unfortunately the main character rarely dies at the start. Even her insane, nymphomaniac best friend was an improvement. Needless to say I did not finish this beyond lousy movie.