Cannibal Diner

A bunch of nubile German chicks head off to an abandoned diner before discovering that it's really home to a den of cannibals. One by one they are picked off in tame cutaway ways until the one that's left runs around a lot while whimpering. You ever see a film with a pretty cool cover which makes you think it might at least have some nice gore and be a passable entertaining time filler? Only then you put it on and it's absolutely dire and generic and totally devoid of any tension, suspense or fun? Yeah. Cannibal Diner is one of those films. Basically, it's a generic badly directed mess and most unforgivably of all, it's really boring. The director is apparently under the bizarre delusion that jumpy flashy cut off editing and long scenes of a chick stumbling around to intense urgent music equates to tension. It doesn't.

I don't want to sound too harsh here because I never expected much to begin with, and sucker as I am for all things cannibal related in horror, my standards tend to be fairly low in this regard. All I ask for is some nice gore and some perky nudity. Now while there is admittedly some perky nudity here, it's still an utterly abysmal film, that failed to even meet my low requirements, and I gotta say, I'm actually amazed that films like this even get financed. I firmly believe that for all its flaws, indie or low budget horror is actually the lifeblood of the genre, in terms of quality, but just like big budgeted and decidedly bland remakes, indie horror unfortunately throws some turkeys our way also and Cannibal Diner is a film to be avoided, as it's one of those films where your finger is itching to press the fast forward button 30 minutes in and even at 66 minutes (6 minutes are end credits) it still outstays its welcome. 2/10 a really bad and boring horror film and far too tame.

Avoid.

I was seeking mindless, escapist entertainment and boy did I find it. Frank W. Montag is listed as the writer and director of this nonsense and he should not be allowed to be near a camera for the rest of his life on earth.

It begins with a few model friends who venture into the woods and set up a tent. They drink some wine and snort some coke before being vanquished by an unseen force.

Next up is Kati(Alexandra Lesch) and she is to meet up with her fellow models in the forest. Somehow, she winds up in an old factory warehouse where she meets up with some individuals with a taste for human flesh.

Alexandra is quite well built but for those expecting a flash of her ample bosom, forget it. She spends the last fifteen minutes or so running and screaming.

One of the villains is in blackface and I was waiting for him to belt out "Mammy" but he only grunted his infrequent lines. I need one hour and fifteen minutes of my life back.

Shameful on the Cannibal movies category it's shameful compared to Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, and Jungle Holocaust. Even Eli Roth's Green Inferno dominates over this thing. This was dreadful.

This is for the people that are into movies like Dead Snow, Wrong Turn, The Collector, Creep the list goes on that are nearly the same as this. There's no plot, there's no attempt at a story. Our main character has the brain of a toothpick. The beginning of this movie kills the rest of it, simply cuz she does not know how to take a pair of car keys, and not go somewhere where a sign says not to. Out of everywhere to get help, she goes into the factory, which looks like it came out of a nuclear waist-land.

She is the only character with depth. All 5 other women do not even exist in the movie. They are there for 5 seconds and that's it. Also, the main character says the F word every time, and then it's silence. That's all of her voicings.

While driving to meet her friends for a spot of camping in the countryside, Kati (Alexandra Lesch) finds herself lost. When she gets out of her car to ask for directions, her vehicle is stolen, and she finds herself wandering into a restricted industrial area that is home to a clan of cannibals.

The poster for this low budget German 'Wrong Turn' inspired horror shows its star, buxom beauty Alexandra Lesch, laying naked on her back, her naughty bits obscured by the cannibals' hands, suggesting a film brimming with gratuitous nudity. Sadly, barring a brief shower scene during the opening credits, Lesch fails to get nekkid, her ample charms remaining (mostly*) hidden under that regulation horror item of clothing, the tight white vest.

But a lack of nudity isn't the only way the film comes up short: for a German horror with the word 'cannibal' in the title, there is also a frustrating lack of gore, with only a couple of body part props and an unimpressive 'metal pole in the eye' during the whole sorry affair. For the most part, the film consists of Lesch running around a ramshackle factory, trying to avoid the flesh-eaters. As nice as it is to see such a well endowed girl bounce her way through a movie, it does get more than a little tedious when there is virtually no plot to speak of and a complete lack of originality. Chuck in a dreadfully boring final act shot almost entirely in night vision and what we have is an extremely disappointing waste of time.

2.5 out of 10, rounded up to 3 for IMDb.

*Lesch does strip to her undies towards the end of the film, but filmed in night vision (poorly lit with a green tint), it's hardly worth the wait.

Seriously! Just bad! On every level! The best thing about this, is the poster! Subsequently also the DVD cover using that poster image of course (or maybe it was the other way around). There are some beautiful women in this (and one or two of them do show some skin), but this does not elevate the viewing experience.

Actually there is a scene towards the end of the movie, that is almost completely dark, which is almost kind of good. It does create some atmosphere. But too little too late! The effects are OK and maybe the only thing that might make the viewing experience not a complete disaster. It's a shame, because the filmmaker is such a nice guy. And it's good that he tries to do genre cinema in Germany ... but he has some work to do!