Cinquante nuances de Grey

"Fifty Shades of Grey" is based on a badly written book, so why someone thought they could make a decent film out of it is beyond me. Actually I don't think anyone believed they could make a good film, the producers just wanted the money that would come in from all people who for reasons known only to themselves read the book.

I had a free ticket and I had to go in order to do a story on it. Bottom line, I'm not doing a story on it.

Okay, here's the problem, and this is what breaks my heart. We no longer know what good or great is. I am no follower of Ayn Rand, but in The Fountainhead, she predicted the rise of mediocrity, mediocrity being considered great and the norm we shoot for. It only stands to reason that at this point, some things can't even rise to that sad level. This isn't mediocre, it's pathetic. I can't believe there are people complimenting the actors. But then I can, because they have come to accept mediocrity. Something I fight against with all my heart.

There is one other problem. The book sucked; in order to like it, one had to use his or her imagination. The success of this book lay in the fantasy aspect. Sometimes imagination is more powerful than just about anything and can give you an erotic experience. This film doesn't fulfill the most inane imagination, let alone someone who really has a wild and creative one. The only fantasy it can give you is how fast you can get out of the theater.

There were people around me laughing. The ones who weren't left, and from what I found out in the lobby, actually demanded and got their money back. When was the last time you saw people leaving a movie in the middle? I'm not sure I've ever seen it, and I'll guess I've been going to movies longer than a lot of you.

I lament the loss of artistic soul, of creativity, of going for the best. I miss the days when Billy Wilder was a writer and a filmmaker. What are we left with but a horrible book written on a first grade level and the resulting bad movie.

I never had any intention of watching "Fifty Shades of Grey"...none. However, when IMDB recently revamped their Bottom 100 List and I saw the movie was now on the list, I felt I had to see it. After all, I constantly am checking out the list to see what new additions there are so I can watch them. I do occasionally like seeing a bad movie...they can be very entertaining and unintentionally funny. Now "Fifty Shades" is very different from any other film on the list (with the exception of "The Last Airbender") in that it WAS a mega-hit and lots of people liked it...though at the same time its score of 4.1 on IMDB is anemic....making it a love-hate sort of picture.

Anastasia Steele (great name, huh?) is a dim sort of lady....and I'm sorry but there's no better way to describe her accurately. When she goes to interview a big-shot businessman, Christian Grey, she has no idea what she's doing, hasn't prepared in the least and asks him only banal questions. She seemed rather dull and with little personality and it was difficult to see what he saw in her. Yet, despite this, inexplicably Grey is now obsessed with her. In some ways, he seems like a nice guy--such as coming to her aid when she's drunk in a dance club soon after this meeting. But in many, he gives so many signs that he's not normal in the least...and rather creepy and possibly very dangerous. He's incredibly controlling and in response to her getting drunk he says "If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week". In other words, for getting drunk and behaving stupidly, he'd paddle the crap out of her! He then has her sign a non-disclosure agreement--saying she'll never tell anyone about him!! Soon, they are embarking on a weird S&M relationship...and that's when the film shows a lot of nekkidness, though it's of the soft-core variety. But he is clear...this is NOT love and he doesn't want to be close to anyone...and he doesn't even want to actually sleep with her...just have his way with her.

What I find so bizarre about the whole "Fifty Shades" phenomenon is that in the 21st century, the actions of BOTH Anastasia and Christian are the exact opposite of what society is telling us folks should be like or what romance should be. There really ISN'T any romance...and he doesn't want to date her. It's not so much just the S&M aspects that I found bothersome...it's more that you have a man who dominates a woman and controls her and she is passive and does whatever he says. Her needs are also not particularly important and he wants to control every aspect of her life and breaks into her apartment when she isn't home. This is NOT the feminist idea of today...at least not what folks SAY they want in a relationship. I simply do not understand this dichotomy...nor why folks loved the books and films...yet also claim to hate them! I also worry that a film like this could set the stage for date rapes, as here in the film it's supposed to be romantic...but in real life, it could get you imprisoned. Weird.

So although I found the message strange and possibly dangerous and the writing occasionally silly, what about the techincal aspects of the movie? The movie is very polished--with lovely and very appropriate music, excellent cinematography and is very artistic. For this reason alone, although I didn't like or respect the message, the film deserves more than a few stars on IMDB.

I should add that although the film features a lot of nudity, I really didn't find it all that exciting to watch...mostly because the film was just creepy. It also didn't come off as sexy....just creepy. And, it probably would NOT be a great date night film...as your date might think you are...just creepy. Watch it if you'd like...I just didn't particular enjoy it nor understand WHY it made so much money...I just found it, believe it or not, to be rather dull.

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

** (out of 4)

Rather silly adaptation of the E.L. James best-seller about a shy, timid virgin (Dakota Johnson) who meets the elusive billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Doman) and soon both of their lives change.

Writing a plot synopsis of this thing is pretty pointless since I'm sure the target audience is already going to know the story. I guess this is where I should admit that I haven't read the book so this review won't be comparing the two or complaining about what the movie did or didn't do from the book. No, this review is just going to be based around the actual movie and for the life of me I can't see what all the hype is about. I don't expect everyone laying their money down to be some sort of film buff but the "shocking" material on display here has been going on in European movies for four-plus decades so why it's just now reaching American shores is pretty funny in itself but that's off subject I guess.

As for the film, there are all sorts of major issues with it but we can start with the laughable screenplay, which would have been rejected by the Lifetime channel and in fact, I'm going to guess that it would have been rejected has a five-year-old written it. The dialogue is without question some of the most laughable I've heard in a very long time. In fact, the movie seems to be lost in what decade it is because there are times that the "F" word is used and it's used in a way to where it's supposed to be shocking. Really? It's going to take more than that. The entire character development between the two lead characters is another joke and after a while you really can't buy into any of the melodrama and you've just got to sit back and laugh.

The performances are another problem but then again, even the likes of Marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor couldn't work with horrid material so I'm not going to be too harsh on Johnson and Doman. With that said, the lackluster direction by Sam Taylor-Johnson doesn't help either as there are many times where another take should have happened. The scenes with Johnson playing the shy girl just aren't very believable because the actress can't sell it. The scenes of her explaining she's a virgin are laughably bad. Doman really doesn't get much to work with and especially since he can't crack a smile and has to give off dumb, overly-serious facial expressions throughout. I will say that the actors have a nice chemistry together but that's about it. The supporting players are all equally forgettable.

Yet another problem is that the film just isn't erotic. FATAL ATTRACTION, BASIC INSTINCT and even something as silly as BODY OF EVIDENCE are just a few recent films that packed a lot more punch than this one. I mean, is sticking an eraser around your lips really erotic anymore? A lot of the lack of erotic-ness has to be blamed on the director who just seems to have been the wrong fit for the material. Nothing from the erotic nature to the serious stuff works and everything is poorly edited.

So, why the two-stars for all the negative stuff? As bad as the film is, thankfully it reaches the level to where you can't help but laugh and be mildly entertained as to what's going to happen next. Again, I haven't read the book so I don't know which one is better but the film is pretty flat from start to finish.

There was absolutely no chemistry between the main actors.

The sex is about as sensual as a log of wood thrown on the road.

The sets and art direction are excellent and create the perfect ambiance.

The music is all right in terms of theme and pacing.

She was irritating and there were way too many close-ups of her. Neither her features nor her mannerism could hold it.

He was every bit of gorgeous, but with a rather wooden performance; no pun intended, because he's as sensual as last year's sock.

Will I be watching Part II ? NAY.

Will I be reading any of the books ? NAY.

Okay. So I have not read the book, (being a male), and I went with one of my female friends who HAD read the book, (and she said she had enjoyed it) -- although having said that, she had read it a number of years ago.

We paid our money and we took our seats. The film began; and I have to say that the wooden acting, the cruddy screenplay, the corny dialogue, the ridiculous script, the highly improbable storyline, were all just TOO much for us! (And not just us it seems! As we could hear titters from the audience at large as well coming from dialogue within the story that were supposed to be serious scenes -- so not just us I hasten to add)...

We gave it half an hour and then I leaned over to my friend and said "Do you think there's any chance they will give us our money back?? What do you think to it?" -- and thank God she replied, "Oh thank Heavens you said that; I can't stand it another minute! Lets just get outta here!!!!!!! It's just terrible".

We got our money back. We complained it was nothing like the book and that we demanded a refund as had only seen half an hour of the movie, and hey presto they refunded my credit card! No questions asked!

I give this rubbish 1 star; and that was for the pretty outdoor scenery!

Don't waste your time with it -- it is Hollywood at it's worst.