Bikini Spring Break

For it's genre it's not bad. The group of women on their journey to the band competition are all attractive -- a couple are insanely hot but the director, DP, and editor did them no justice and should quit the industry. Great T&A -- which should be one of only two reasons to watch it.

I mentioned genre and I hate to use that word because it implies that the work is somehow comparable to what Netflix refers to as "Late Night Comedies." The more raunchy Skin-a-Max type of film. The script for this was weak but mostly fit the bill.

My problem was with continuity. You could be making a student film with that hot goth girl who acts totally disinterested but secretly obsesses with seeing herself on camera and still get the freaking continuity down. The direction and editing were amateurish, at best. The acting was so-so although I have to say Rachel Alig stands out. It's a shame she didn't get a better script.

If you are bored at night and don't want to watch another end-of-the- world documentary then this is an acceptable substitute. Otherwise, I'd pass.

Add or or two starts if you are watching it late at night, changing channels while doing so, only watch a few decent segments (like the beginning locker room scene) or are drunk.

This is not high art. It is boring in large doses. But, relatively painless in small doses and a few of the women are nice on the eyes as well as pleasant enough actresses. And, you have Robert Carradine who earns his paycheck while mostly retaining his dignity.

A few reviews gave this a crummy rating. But, really, what does one expect of this sort of straight to um DVD / cable stuff? On a curve, I'd give it three stars.

Probably the most interesting fact about the film is that Robert Carradine is in it and in the same year he appeared in this awful movie, he also had a role in Django Unchained. I used to think Rena Riffel's double was the most impressive thing in Hollywood (Showgirls and Striptease) but the fact Carradine appeared in one movie with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson and direction from Quentin Tarentino and then appeared in this film with a bunch of Hollywood lookalikes (one actress looked like a taller, healthier Selena Gomez, another may be a Jennifer Lawrence clone) in the same year is mind-boggling.

Unlike, say, The 18 Year-Old Virgin or Barely Legal (quickly becoming a personal cult classic), Bikini Spring Break features zero appealing characters, a plot full of holes, non-existent acting and awful pacing. Scenes go on forever, the personalities show zero character development and there's little logic. Just lots of bare breasts.

The actresses playing these one-dimensional characters pretty much play their real-life selves. I saw the movie as a slice of reality of the mind-sets of dumb bimbos than actresses portraying said bimbos.

The threadbare plot sees these moronic beauties driving from Los Angeles to Miami for a Marching Band contest and having their bus break down in Daytona, where they go through the same stuff we've seen for 30-40 years. Nothing ground breaking. Carradine plays their teacher who bravely tries to make the most of his role in order to salvage something when he showed up on to the set of Django Unchained to be ridiculed for appearing in BSP.

There are better raunchy comedies from The Asylum. Unless you can't get enough of bare breasts, pass.

This movie's plot line makes no sense, the acting is terrible all the girls are stupid but one. Has lots of breast action and little else. Although I will say they did not take the nudity too far and relied on the terrible acting to carry a good chunk of the movie. Thankfully Robert Carradine shows up and steals every scene he is in. This would be a higher ranking movie if they had the money to pay him for more scenes.

So how do I review this movie? Well it is what it is and for that it is a load of fun (no pun intended). These movies have been made before and will be again. This is a better than average version. If you like this kind of movie it is worth the watch. Judging it for what it is I give it a 5. If you just want to veg and watch a movie with just enough nudity to keep your attention without really having to think, well there you go.

Talking about movies that are absolutely going nowhere...even within its genre this movie is being an extremely bad one, without any true creativity and fun to it.

It honestly still could had worked out all. I mean, it had a pretty decent concept, that at least provided the movie with plenty of opportunity to put in some fun and adventurous moments. But I don't know, it just doesn't feel at all as if the movie was trying to be any good. Everyone involved was just probably happy they were working and receiving a paycheck for it and absolutely none of them made any effort to turn this movie into an even remotely good or entertaining one.

The main problem with the movie is that it never feels like its going anywhere with its story. Stuff just happens, often without an apparent reason and basically nothing feels connected or as if it's building up for anything to happen. It makes the movie feels like it's going absolutely nowhere with its story or characters and it actually also turns it into a very tiresome movie, that begins to annoy after a while.

There is also a serious problem with the movie its comedy. It just isn't being all that funny or clever at all. It's some incredibly formulaic stuff, that besides gets poorly delivered by its cast. It also often goes on for far too long. They stretch certain comedy sequences out for as long as possible, perhaps in an attempt to still let it work out as something funny.

You'll most likely have a very hard time caring about anything that happens in this movie. This is also because of its characters, that are far from likable enough and just too often are being far too stupid. It's fine for these sort of movies to have 1 or 2 stupid characters in it but basically every single person in this movie is being a moron. It of course makes this movie and all of its events far from likely ones but what is far worse is that it makes the movie all the more annoying to watch as well, also because it just doesn't add anything good to the movie its comedy.

Seriously, with a tad bit more creativity this movie at least could had been somewhat bearable and watchable for certain age-groups but it now instead is a movie I consider to be absolute trash and it's not worth one single second of your time.

I really don't easily say this but you are an absolute moron if you like this movie!

2/10

http://bobafett1138.blogspot.com/