Hooligans at War: North vs. South

Sometimes I get the opportunity to watch a newly released film for free . I almost feel guilty about this sometimes . Almost . Honestly I do and when a new British movie comes out like last years heart pounding thriller '71 the least I can do is give it my support and hand over my money at the cinema and feel a burst of jingoistic pride that I've contributed to British film making . If I don't do this once in a while I feel I've committed an act of high treason so just imagine how I felt when I didn't pay to see HOOLIGANS AT WAR . Guilty with a capital G-U-I-L- T and Y . As soon as the opening credits finished I started becoming aware of something - if the makers of this piece of unwatchable compost don't recompense me 40 minutes of my life I wasted watching this they should be hanging their heads in utter shame

The film starts with a flashback to a British army camp in Bosnia 5 years ago and involves a battle scene . This will be in 2010 . SFOR had been replaced by EUFOR six years earlier and despite having never set foot in the country I can tell you there was no fighting between local militias and EUFOR soldiers going on in 2010 . I'm pretty sure Bosnia no longer has local ethnic militias that the country was notorious for in the 1990s . I suppose we can overlook this and the totally amateur production values if it sets up the story

Hold on there's another flashback after this as the basic training regiment in the mess hall . Mess halls at these locations are normally large halls crowded with young men in their late teens and early twenties with a hairstyle of number two at the sides and back and a number four cut on top . Not here where there's an intake of about a dozen men and they're all aged in their late twenties to mid thirties with various hairstyles and many of them are obvious salad dodgers who'd have trouble walking to the bus stop never minding lumping sixty pounds of equipment on their back up a steep hill . They're so hopeless at trying to convince us they're soldiers they wouldn't even get in to the local airsoft club because even they have standards . In fact the acting is so bad I wondered how any of them managed to get in to the Equity union . I'm not saying the acting is bad what I'm saying is that it's non existent and the casting must be some sort of joke

In fact the whole movie must be some sort of joke ! Sorry did I say movie ? I should have said "thing" and just left it at that because I'd be misleading you if I give the impression that this is going to get any distribution deal . HOOLIGANS AT WAR is obviously shot on a camcorder with a non professional cast and feels like it's trying to parody the likes of Guy Ritchie with a freeze frame and a voice over explaining who the character is . That's the only bit that really works but truth to be told it's really stealing someone elses idea . Really I know it's a cliché when people say "worst movie ever" but this is possibly the worst British film I've ever commentated on in all my years on this website . I've always been fair when reviewing a movie but there is not one saving grace about this film which I turned off after 40 minutes . Believe me if I don't watch a film until the end credits comes up that tells you everything. If someone got out an I-pod and filmed their drunken mates ad libbing an unscripted story as it went along then that would be a more satisfying cinematic film than the thing going under the title of HOOLIGANS AT WAR

I am now owed 40 minutes of my life back and I know that the makers of this thing have visited the page - they're ones who gave it a rating of more than one out of ten !

ETA May 2015 . Thanks for the nice message Chris and better luck next time

Essentially this is a gangster flick with a nicely incorporated military element. Okay so there may be a few discrepancies with dates of the Bosnian war and the ages of the recruits in the basic training scenes but HOLD ON........You need to appreciate the film for what it is and what Chris Bell and the team have achieved on a minuscule budget! The story of two friends as their lives envelop from the military to top London gangsters. This is a well worked back drop to a very gutsy, hard hitting, gritty and cool British film........

There is plenty of action for the boys as well as some nicely acted scenes showing the complexities and intricacies of everyday relationships within a gangster lifestyle which isn't an easy thing to pull off but the film handles it well.

There are times when the editing / cutting isn't brilliant but we are not talking a Hollywood blockbuster budget here!! There are some nice one-liners and plenty of likable characters which makes the film easily watchable and the documentary style camera shots encompass you into the films ethos really well.

The two main characters Chris and Johnny are played beautifully by Chris Bell and Alan Lund showing the various layers of vulnerability as well as the hard man element.

I take my hat off to what Chris Bell, Steven M Smith and the team have done with this film which includes a lovely and clever twist in the plot!

I for one will be watching this film many times over and because of the way it is filmed and it's slight discrepancies it could easily be catapulted into cult status in years to come! Not a term I would use lightly.

Anything these guys do in future I will certainly watch!!!!

As indie as indie movies go, North Vs South looks incredibly low budget with blurry camera work including a variety of people walking infront of the camera and pan shots that cut people's heads off.

Amongst the monotonous style, wading through the slow pacing there are moments of salvation. This movie can only be compared to watching Millwall, dull, boring and aching for it to finish, but the fight scenes and a particular scene in a strip club brought a little bit of West Ham to the proceedings. Professional, tidy, premier league.

The military scenes are watchable, they play out with more intensity than the rest of the movie and really add a nice little flashback to the story, they are well directed and this reason alone keeps me watching the full 80 minute duration.

I will watch anything and I mean anything from Gilgi to Titanic to Platoon to American sniper it doesn't matter how good or how bad or what type of film it is ill give it a bash. Wow what to say about this film, maybe I'll tell the people I don't like to watch it to make myself feel good. What I can say is bad acting, REALLY bad military interaction with likes to Uniforms, weapon systems terminology all round big no no's (BBC's My Girl style) There are too many films that are trying to use the military (my opinion) to boost the story line. There is one bit of the film where the CGI is that bad it's like a flash game on the internet. Poor story line weak main characters, I just wanted to the film to end I didn't care what happened. Sorry, but try again.

Right. Mr Stedmans excuse that this was 'low budget' is, like the film, absolute tripe. He must have been involved in making this embarrassing mess. My kid could make a cake out of mud and thinks its great, yet no one would enjoy it. A bit like this. Time will judge Smith and Bells appalling record.