Chastity Bites

Yeah, you read that heading correctly, one of the main leads has ink penned flower pedals drawn on her pimples on her face. Not just one either, but all over like toppings on a pizza. Wtf... This is just another bad cookie cutter character really just pushing political BS down your throat easily forgotten really just wish had never been made garbage movie. Skip it.

It's not very often a film takes you by surprise without resorting to clichés and wasted potential when there's so much or little to follow. Most films these days that attempt to pay homage by 'spoofing' or other forms of respect aren't always executed properly. But in this case, Chastity Bites attempts something different at its best but still has some hiccups that prevents it from being the most ingenious out of the many creations that either feels rehashed or incomplete.

The story follows a writer named Leah that becomes suspicious of a newly profound abstinence educator that schemes an army of virgins to please her vicious desires to collect blood to contain her youth. Of course convincing the entire school would be harder than assassinating an immortal masked murderer, but this doesn't seem like a heavy situation as Leah decides to take matters into her own hands to save her companion in time before she too is slaughtered like other unfortunate victims in their prime.

The film is assembled with a cast that does all of their parts well but also suffers from having some that feel either very unused or simply there to suffer their demise. If we spent more time with some of the characters and the film had taken a darker turn where it felt less like an outdated sitcom, perhaps it would have succeeded more where other films with a similar premise didn't. However, complete credibility for effort to everyone and what it tried is surely due and this film can still be considerably an enjoyable presentation if you can extract the lack of tension and some goofy elements that some may find very distracting.

For that, let's enjoy this cup of virgin blood that tastes a little like water for what it's worth and not less of what it could have been.

The opening scene immediately imparts the tone of the film, pointedly satirizing conservative sociopolitical values and jarring the viewer with a spray of blood. While the high school setting of the feature lends it a certain awkward air some viewers may not take a liking to, 'Chastity bites' is consistently smart and entertaining on its level.

The film is less of a bloody romp than it is a snappy mystery laden with teenage drama, but it's aptly fun and engaging. The fast pace of the narrative flow can be waved off with consideration that it's clearly geared toward a young audience, a bent echoed in the soundtrack and dialogue. Despite that youthful glow, solid film-making should mark the movie enjoyable for most.

The cast, above all, is really great. Allison Scagliotti is sharp and endearing as protagonist Leah, a forward-thinking leftist student journalist who alone is deeply skeptical of the activities at her school. Young Scagliotti has proven herself time and again in roles comedic, action-oriented, and dynamic, and she portrays Leah's determination and wit with the practiced skill of a great talent. Prominent opposite her starring role is Louise Griffiths as antagonist Liz Batho, bearing a cold, dark, but entrancing poise befitting such a calculating (fictionalized) historical figure. Yet the supporting cast, in considerably smaller roles, are just as swell, including Francia Raisa as Leah's best friend Katharine, and Eddy Rioseco as love interest Paul. Even Diana Chiritescu, given few speaking lines as Batho's servant Ilona, is pretty outstanding, and Amy Okuda brings the same spark of derisive smarm to high school queen bee Ashley, here, as she gave Tinkerballa in Felicia Day's ground-breaking web series, 'The guild.'

Costume design, wardrobe, hair and makeup, filming locations, set design and decoration, and art direction are far greater than we would usually expect from a film of this tenor. Even for as little as fight choreography plays into the production, it's highly enjoyable; likewise for special effects. Somewhat stereotypical as the soundtrack is for a movies aimed at younger audiences, it's still a small treat for our ears.

While the direction isn't particularly remarkable, the writing is thoughtful and intelligent. From jabbing at rightwing nonsense to playfully intoning progressive ideals; from catty teen sniping to cheeky one-liners and friendly cajoling - the dialogue is keen and entertaining. The narrative, if uncomplicated, is written well - coherent, engrossing, and whole. There's not a great deal of depth to most of the characters, but the assembled cast inhabits their roles so capably, and believably, as to inject more personality than we're led to think they had on paper.

Truthfully, I had low expectations going in; I gather a sense that 'Chastity bites' hasn't been well-received in the grand scheme of things. But I should know better by now - I've seen enough movies dismissed by others, that I've greatly enjoyed, that counting out a feature before I see it for myself is a mistake. I think this is really well made, and simply fun.

I won't pretend it's perfect, because it's not. Admittedly the premise portends more visceral content than what we actually get. Any viewer who isn't receptive to more lighthearted, feel-good fare should probably look elsewhere. Yet the film, as it is, doesn't ever actually pretend to be anything it's not. If a little cheesy, 'Chastity bites' is a solidly crafted picture, and worth watching if you come across it.

Right, well the 2013 horror comedy "Chastity Bites" from writer Lotti Pharriss Knowles and director John V. Knowles was a movie that had eluded me entirely. I happened to stumble upon the movie by random chance here in 2024, and given it being a horror comedy that I hadn't already seen, of course I found the time to sit down and watch it.

While the movie certainly was watchable, I was left with a sense of 'was that really it?' once the movie came to an end. It felt somewhat forgettable, so I hadn't exactly been missing out on a particularly stellar horror comedy experience here. So writer Lotti Pharriss Knowles didn't really manage to win me over with the script delivered for director John V. Knowles to bring to the screen.

The acting performances in the movie were good. I wasn't familiar with a single actress or actor on the cast list, and that is actually something I enjoy. Why? Well, then there are no associations to previously portrayed characters in other movies. And it is always enjoyable to get to watch new and unfamiliar talents on the screen.

Visually, then "Chastity Bites" wasn't outstanding. Not that it was not good, but there just wasn't any real special effects in the movie of noteworthy mentioning.

Watchable, sure, but hardly a memorable horror comedy movie. And this is not a movie that will ever find its way back a second time to my screen.

My rating of "Chastity Bites" lands on a flat five out of ten stars.

Even since the original 'Scream' film back in 1997, it's been popular for horror films to kind of parody themselves and point out their own clichés while satirising the genre. Sometimes it works well, as in 'Cabin in the Woods' while other times it kind of falls a bit flat. Here, in 'Chastity Bites,' it sadly falls into the latter. We open in a high school where a clique of (stereotypical, if you've seen any teen movie ever – horror, or otherwise) 'popular' girls rules the class with their status and, of course, shallowness. The two – equally clichéd – unpopular girls (who dress conservatively and don't want to jump into bed with the first high school jock who takes off his football helmet) walk around discussing poetry, philosophy and generally do their best to show us – the audience – how downtrodden and relatable they are. Then a – clichéd British – villain comes along in the form of a woman who teaches the virtues of chastity to the young, who wants spokespeople to promote her cause. Naturally, the vacuous 'popular' bimbos all sign up (despite their blatant lack of respect for the rules). However, we quickly discover that this woman has a darker motive and wants to suck the souls of the young (or something). She's a baddie – that's all you need to know and it's up to the unpopular duo to 'out' her terrible scheme.

So, it's a kind of 'teenagers versus evil' kind of affair and, like I say, it kind of knows it's a bit dumb and does its best to play up to that fact so that it never takes itself too seriously. It does this by attempting to satirise today's obsession with beauty and social standing among teens (and in some cases adults!). This could work, but sadly it's just not 'fresh' enough to really say anything new or in a different way than we've already seen before (and better). Allison Scagliotti (most famous for her awesomely cool performance as 'Claudia' in 'Warehouse 13') is the lead and she does her best to use her natural quirky charm to good effect. However, the script just isn't up to her talent and the jokes start to fall flat while the whole thing descends into predictability.

It may be a young adult horror/comedy, but it's not really funny enough to be a straight out comedy and there isn't enough gore to really make it that bloodthirsty. They even try to throw in one of the most forced love interest sub-plots ever seen in cinema. The male love interest only occupies a few scenes of screen time and could have been done away with all together and you'd never notice.

You know a film is getting desperate when you see all the visual promotional advertising surrounding the film depicts shots of girls in short 'fantasy' schoolgirl costumes. I can promise you nothing like this ever appears in the film itself! All together it's just a missed opportunity to say something worthwhile about a facet of popular culture than needs a bit of mainstream debunking. Avoid. You won't miss much. Sorry Allison – you were brilliant in 'Warehouse 13.'