Tape 407

i just got to say this is the worst film ever! what is wrong with these people? is it desperation? since lately i've noticed that almost every one is taking this homemade approach to films, where they have this one person or two running around with a camera thats delivering some real shaky video quality that makes the film really uncomfortable to watch. i mean u have movies done like this before that are exceptional, like CLOVERFEILD for example or even CHRONICLE i enjoyed those a bit but this..... oh man such a massive waste of precious time. and whats with all the constant bickering and unnecessary noisiness and confusion in the movie? its very annoying! and this movie is made almost exactly like TAKE SHELTER where for some reason u only deserve just a few seconds of what would have been the best part of the movie and then bam!! u get end credits, i mean seriously man! whats up with that?

While many of the film-going public squawk about the gluttony of superhero films that are polluting our theatre screens on a repeating basis, it is with found footage films that I have reached my fill.

Made popular and mainstream in 1999 with The Blair Witch Project, there have been more dismal efforts (Apollo 18, The Zombie Diaries, The Feed) than there have been engrossing ones (Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield). Yet week in and week out, whether it be in the local theatre, video on demand or on DVD, there are release after release of found footage films with budgets of less than the average person's minimum Visa payment.

This week's latest cash-grab is Area 407 (also promoted as Tape 407). The film opens on a plane travelling between New York to Los Angeles on New Year's Eve where a young girl, Trish (Abigail Schrader) and her sister Jesse (Samantha Lester) are using their camera to video capture just about everything and everyone around them.

Side note: how is it in these found footage films they all have cameras with batteries that last so long as to even baffle a NASA scientist? After the obligatory introduction of a few central characters on the plane the passengers and crew celebrate New Year's Eve with cheers and noisemakers until a bad storm and turbulence send the darkened plane into a freefall. The plane crashes in a remote government testing ground and the handful of survivors that are left, band together in an attempt to find their bearings in the darkened night of their secluded surroundings.

But as we learn rather quickly, the plane crash was only the beginning of their nightmare as they are being stalked and hunted by some predatory creatures that look like mid-sized Jurassic Park raptors.

Armed with only their wits and a single gun coming courtesy of the Sky Marshall on board (how convenient she survived) the group will find their numbers dwindle as they struggle through the night for survival.

Area 407 was filmed in only five days and (according to IMDb.com) all the dialogue was ad lib. The dialogue before the plane crashes was actually engrossing banter that had our interest focused on the central characters.

But once the survivors collect themselves amongst the plane's wreckage, things go off the rails and the cast begin to yell, scream and draw out too many inconsequential conversations likely just to inflate the running time to a feature accepted 90-minutes.

As with most found footage films, the camera work is shaky and downright annoying. You will feel jerked, dropped and nauseous as the camera is passed between various characters that seem more intent on capturing their demise on film than putting down the damn device and using their senses to gather their bearings.

Directors Dale Fabrigar and Everette Wallin keep the creature out of sight and in the dark for most of the film which could work if you develop enough tension and atmosphere. But in Tape 407 audiences aren't engaged to any sense of caring or urgency and seeing the creatures in more detail would be the trade off for the long-in-tooth banter we are intended to endure.

Tape 407 ends in unexpected fashion with a conclusion intended to shock (I guess). But without caring about any of those that may survive or face their fate, you will likely just want it over at any cost. Even at the cost of writing off the video-on-demand investment.

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I attended a late night showing in a seedy section of downtown Los Angeles which put me in the mood to be scared already, plus it was the night before Halloween and several theater goes were in costumes so the mood was set for what was to follow. The film opens with two sisters traveling cross country and documenting it on their video camera. The younger of the two is quite annoying and I was wishing already that something horrific would happen to her. The character development was slick as it was all done via the words of each of themselves speaking to our little vixens of the friendly skies. After a few minutes of small talk as the passengers board the plane we are treated to an obnoxious passenger that is obviously in need of a drink or has already had one too many and things go downhill from there for this doomed flight. Once on the ground things take an eerie turn in another direction as we now have changed from a disaster film to a horror film! Delightful gore and confusion follows our wayward sojourners as the plot thickens and the mayhem continues. This movie began like a roller coaster ride as we clickety-clacked and climbed to a fever pitch height in order to be brought crashing down with a violent momentum that had like any great amusement park ride, an ending that makes you say "Oh wow I didn't see one coming!".

I thought that, being some kind of fan of found footage movies, nothing could really let me down so much. Man, was I wrong.

Here we have a film with no qualities whatsoever. At the beginning, I was happy to see a girl (Jess) who reminded me of a chick I went out with a few times ages ago (hey, Rosemary, hello if you are there!). I decided to try to cope with the EXTREMELY annoying mixture of nails running through a blackboard and forks scratching a plate that is the voice of the sister (Trisha). Boy, this -supposedly- 13 years old girl not only behaves like she's 8, but that bloody screeching thing she had for a voice... Jesus Christ. Anyway, at the very beginning, I found the actors natural enough and I thought "ok". Then, 5 minutes into the movie, I was starting to wonder why nothing is happening at all. After the movie goes on and the "actors" show their true colours of stereotypes and horrendous acting, I started to skip chunks by fast forwarding because NOTHING happens in this movie. There's a lot of unrelated talk, of walking around while they are at it, when they are not simply getting hysterical for no reason or repeating "shut up, Charlie". I could fast forward 5 minutes and they'd still be talking about the same (how my leg is hurting or how tired they are), still the camera focusing on their strides while they walk a dirty road. The whole movie is like that.

In total, I'd say that, throughout the 1h 29sec of film, we get to see 5 seconds of blurry bad CGI (2 of them at the very end of the movie). And perhaps about 10 secs of (what is supposed to be?) scary noises (a mixture of lions in heat and dinosaurs with bowel problems). That's all there's to this movie. There's no terror, sense of dread, no real mystery or feeling of threat. SERIOUSLY. NONE. Not even a jack-in-the-box type of scare.

At some points, I smiled or even laughed a couple of times because of the crap acting or ridiculous situations (which are suppose to be very serious and frightening).

At some point, as well, I stopped thinking about that girl I used to know and forgot about hoping to see the actress showing her big bare bust (sorry, I had to focus on something during this garbage of a film, and like I said, she brought back memories of someone else) and simply hated her, like the rest of the people involved in this pathetic movie.

I could almost say that, as an exception, the IMDb score is right. Although, on second thought, that's not correct. This movie deserves a much lower score. This movie is RIDICULOUS. Maybe your 5 years old child will find some amusement while wasting precious time instead of doing something more useful. Like, nothing. After all, that's what they do in this movie. Why would you watch a fiction when you or your toddler can experience firsthand the excitement of doing nothing?

So, hey, if you are bored with your friends, grab a couple of cameras, go out there with some of them while some others hide in the bushes farting a couple of times for scary special effects, run a bit for 2 minutes screaming around and making crazy people noises while drooling, get some tomato sauce on your temples, stop and talk about the weather for 15 minutes and repeat. You can edit the film back at home and use any freeware to add some shitty visual effects for a fraction of a second here and there. You need to be no computer expert! And voilà. Oh, and remember, getting a chubby busty girl to do a topless might get you that extra point!

..Although, you'd probably need more money to achieve that frontal nudity than the total budget for the entire piece of art.

Though they do not turn green (any of the characters that is). Come to think about it, it would have made the movie better though. My strange thoughts aside though, this "Found Footage" movie is one of the worst offspring that this craze has brought us. I do wonder if anyone actually believes any of those are "real"? If you're too young to remember or never cared for them anyway, I will point you to Blair Witch Project. A movie that had some people trembling because the viral marketing (internet presence) made them believe it was real.

But this movie does not even deserve that attention. While they do try to put some special effects in it, the fact it looks cheap is not the worst part. It's the characters, that might be up for a Guinness book entry for most annoying film characters ever. You almost feel sorry for the actors portraying them, if you can stop feeling sorry for yourself or your precious time that you've wasted that is.

While I never was big on those Found Footage movies, there have been some exceptions (i.e. movies) that were made with some finesse and some excellent ideas/dialogue or characters. Those things are absent here. You do get a 2 or 3 scenes that may shock you for a second (and the ending is actually pretty neat, therefor the 2/10 and not the 1/10), but overall, you'll be wasting your time and test your nerves to the breaking point if you really take the challenge of watching this.

I could write so much more, but I'll leave it at that. It's your "call" (no pun intended)