Return of the Moonwalker

Now, I'm a huge fan of Michael Jackson. His songs, his music videos, his dancing, everything. Except this movie. The premise is that a weird circus guy manages to bring Michael Jackson back to life. It's pretty dumb already, but it's so poorly executed that it's outright horrible.

For starters: Michael Rider is a damn pathetic Michael Jackson. His accent is so fake I cringed every time he spoke. He can't dance. His acting in general is just pathetic. And the atrocious dialogue only makes it worse. In addition, there's one scene that takes place in a freaking sex dungeon! What is this doing in a movie about Michael Jackson?

This movie is a disgraceful cash grab that completely disrespects one of the most talented men to ever exist. I've seen a lot of crappy movies, but this was the first movie I've ever seen that managed to win my undying, eternal hatred. There's not a single thing to like about this film. If Michael Jackson were living, he would never sign off on this atrocity.

One parting note: Prince, Paris, if you're reading this for some reason, please sue the director of this movie.

What an incredible off-the-wall mind f*ck this flick is! Love or hate Michael Jackson, you will see the "Moonwalker" in a whole different light. Fellini on acid meets Berlin bizarre. Needs to become a mid-night movie cult flick. If the Jackson doesn't sue for defamation, that is. I hope no dwarfs were harmed in the making of. Some of the humor is bit too dark for my taste, though. Though I couldn't help grinning through the marijuana haze. The saturated color scheme is definitely mushroom-inspired. And what about all the occult references? Illuminati, Freemasons, Lance of Jerusalem, Gog and Magog, Armageddon, Shai-Tan, magic circles? Maybe this film and those who made it need an exorcism.

RETURN OF THE MOONWALKER is a weird mess of a movie, a cult no budget German film set in what looks like a nightclub hosting an S&M party. It's a clear homage to THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW and just as campy, telling of a mad sorcerer who resurrects pop singer Michael Jackson as part of a bid to take over the world.

Ultimately, this is a film that merely feels cheap and ridiculous, full of off-colour humour and gags that don't really work. It tries very hard to be near the knuckle but the end result is merely a juvenile bore.

As part of my ongoing mission to transform Viceland into an online Michael Jackson shrine – see exhibits a, b, c and d – I recently contacted the people behind Return Of The Moonwalker. This trailer was dumped onto the internet a couple of weeks ago with no explanation. Among the Z-movie mumbo-jumbo about a time-traveling sorcerer, a new world order, sex dwarfs, clowns and Hitler seemed to be a plot involving Michael Jackson being brought back to life, which excited some film blogs enough to host the trailer themselves – which was useful, as YouTube banned it.

Over the weekend I phoned co-director/producer Mike Maria. He's in Berlin editing the film, but he didn't want to talk much about it until it comes out later this year. We talked anyway.

Vice: What's the story behind this film?

Mike Maria: Me and my partner Mike Moreau – an American author – wanted to make a film that had something to do with Count Cagliostro, this legendary 18th century sorcerer who supposedly instigated the French Revolution by getting Marie Antoinette involved in the diamond necklace affair (in which the Queen was accused of being involved in the plot to defraud the crown jewelers). We wanted to do a satire, a crazy comedy about Cagliostro living again in Berlin, and he resurrects Michael Jackson because he's the only force who unite the masses, the left and the right.

Viceland: I guess that makes sense. Who did you get to play Michael Jackson? Mike Maria: He was one of Michael Jackson's official impersonators Viceland: What, he actually worked for him? Mike Maria: Yeah, at official occasions.

Viceland: I gather at some point you changed the film's title from The Cabinet Of Dr Cagliostro to Return Of The Moonwalker? Mike Maria: True. We didn't reference Moonwalker straight away because we didn't want to reveal the Michael Jackson story too early in the game, because, you know, the hardcore Michael Jackson fans... we didn't want to let the cat out of the bag too early.

Viceland: Michael Jackson would never keep cats in bags. I found a thread about the film on one Jacko message board and they weren't very happy about it. Some of the words they used were 'sick', 'repulsive', 'horrible', 'disrespectful' and 'evil'.

Mike Maria: Oh yeah, yeah. I got phone calls. Some people called and asked me if I was aware of the Michael Jackson death hoax, and the fact that he's actually still alive. Some people take the conspiracy stuff very seriously. One woman called me and told me she was a personal Michael Jackson investigator and she can give me data and documents proving that Michael Jackson is alive. It became very surreal. It's a very fun movie but it is highly respectful to Michael Jackson.

Viceland: How so? When Monty Python made Life Of Brian, John Cleese said: "We had some fun, but no disrespect to Jesus". This is similar. We're having fun, but we mean no disrespect to Michael Jackson whatsoever. You couldn't make a parody if you don't really like someone. It's like at one point in the film we have two vertically-challenged people making fun of their age – but it doesn't mean that we hate vertically-challenged people. They're just talking about their age.

Viceland: Right. Why was the trailer banned from YouTube? Mike Maria: I don't know. It's strange. There's no nudity in the trailer. We wrote them a letter, they did not respond. Maybe some of those hardcore MJ fans flagged it as inappropriate. Definitely some people contacted them. But we think it's about the two vertically-challenged people having sex in leather costumes.

Viceland: Ah yes. So, Hitler's also in the trailer.

Mike Maria: Yeah, he shows up. Two hot ghost hunter girls are searching for Hitler's ghost in Berlin's underworld.

Viceland: OMG...

What blast! I saw this flick in Berlin last year and just downloaded it again from ITunes. Got to be one of the strangest, drop-dead funny art films I have ever seen. Picks up where the "MJ killed by Illuminati" internet rumors leave off. What would have happened if MJ had exploited his ability to seduce the masses for revolutionary political purposes? (MJ even uncannily compared himself to Hitler once in terms of popularity.) Or what if MJ himself was an undead, voodoo puppet controlled by a "punk circus" magician intent on overthrowing the "New World Order"? Watch and find out -- but have a joint and/or couple of beers first and buckle up for a "trip." Did I mention the cast of characters? A holy inquisitor with a switchblade crucifix, two sex-obsessed S/M dwarfs, the ghost of Hitler, etc. The original music and song/dance number are a hoot well, while the weird, funkadelic coolness and grit of Berlin really shine through. Right up there with "Liquid Sky," "Santa Sangre" or"Being John Malkovich"!