Piraconda

I really wish that the Syfy channel would make a minimal effort to keep their original movies somewhat believable. This movie has a fish species cross breeding with a reptile. I can not even imagine how that would happen in real life. I mean if they are going to plot this scenario make it on another planet not on earth. It is easy enough to put aside believe if it is not on earth. Yeah I know they are science fiction and fantasy but this one is not at all believable to me. Of course the acting is B movie but the theme is totally lame. The women in bikinis are not bad so there is some entertainment in this movie but not that much.

Ever seen Sharktopus? Well, clearly somebody got the idea to create another super-cheesy hybrid monster movie that was a poorly made as 99% of everything the sci-fi channel churns out.

On a Hawaiian island, a greedy scientist named Lovegrove (Michael Madsen) seeks out eggs belonging to a mated pair of the titular monsters that are half Pirahna and half Anaconda, despite the fact neither species is indigenous to Hawaii. Meanwhile, a B-movie film crew shoot a slasher film in the jungle while a group of mercenaries prowl the island looking for people to ransom or any other illegal activity they can profit from. All the while, the titular creatures begin hunting them all down, turning the island into a bloodbath as the survivors try to escape.

As expected, this is his is just another run of the mill budget monster movie. Everything is bad. The Pihrannaconda designs are a bit goofy looking and are animated with cheap, low-quality CGI. Most of the characters are unsympathetic and forgettable because they're only onscreen for about three minutes tops as they wander off aimlessly into the jungle like idiots and then getting chomped down.

Even for a sci-fi original movie, this is a very cheap flick. The crew must have blown most of the budget hiring Michael Madsen because the effects are pathetic. The victims are instantly turned into blood clouds by the monsters because they couldn't be bothered to make half-decent death scenes with body parts. The protagonists take off in a car that's completely undamaged despite having just being in a shootout, and as their driving down the road, they're freaking out as if their being chased despite the titular monsters obviously not behind them.

With the exception of Michael Madsen, none of the cast members are notable, mostly consisting of curvy women that the monsters enjoy the taste of and look as though they spent more time modelling or in adult films than actual movies. And speaking of which, Madsen seems humiliated to be starring in this and doesn't even try as he delivers his lines in a dull, raspy, murmur like he's reading a pamphlet. There's even this super cheesy rockabilly song "Piranhaconda" that sounds totally out of place.

The only bright side to this film that I can find are the admittingly beautiful shots of the Hawaiian cliffs, valleys, and jungles. Plus, the monsters win in the end and apparently kill everyone, including the last two survivors right before the credits roll.

Overall, this movie was stupid, cheap, poorly made, and embarrassing to watch, so don't even bother watching it for free.

Some nice looking people running from a horrible looking, helicopter chomping, snake piranha thing.

Piranhaconda (2012)

** (out of 4)

Creature feature fun from director Jim Wynorski takes place in Hawaii as a professor (Michael Madsen) tracks down an egg that belongs to a legendary part piranha, part anaconda creature. Soon its parents are killing anyone who gets in their way and that includes a low-budget film crew there filming a slasher pic. PIRANHACONDA is actually a step above most of the creature features that appear on SyFy and a big credit has to go to Wynorski. I've always enjoyed his film and this one here is a decent little affair that should at least keep fans of monster movies entertained. Again, this isn't Shakespeare but for the most part it delivers the goods. The CGI snake/fish creature is certainly something to see. Yes, it's looks incredibly fake but this here actually adds a little charm to the picture. The majority of the death scenes have cheap CGI blood flowing but this too had its own level of charm. A few weeks ago I watched POPATOPOLIS, a documentary on Wynorski as he attempted to make a film in three days. It was a very good documentary because we got to see him directing and just listening to him talk to his actors in a manner that some might not like. There's a director in this film that acts the same way and you can't help it was spoofing Wynorski and it's actually pretty funny. However, having seen that documentary, I do wonder if the same techniques works with Madsen. As for Madsen, he's clearly just picking up a paycheck here and he appears bored throughout the picture. The supporting cast features some pretty good performances including Teri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, Rachel Hunter and Rib Hillis all turning in fine work. If you're looking for high art then you're obviously in the wrong place but PIRANHACONDA at least features some good moments, although it does start to wear thin towards the end.

OK, I'll try to sum it up. First, a Captain Ahab wannabe scientist discovers a half piranha, half anaconda in Hawaii. He gets one of its eggs and escapes, only to be kidnapped by some criminals whose activities are unexplained. Meanwhile, a low-budget film crew is shooting a lousy horror movie, though it can't be as terrible as this movie. The criminals kidnap part of the film crew to hold them for ransom, but they run into the piranhaconda, and then a second piranhaconda shows up for good measure. It's never really explained how a piranha-anaconda could create a hybrid breed, and it's also never explained how it wound up in Hawaii, which is not native to either creature. The film stars Michael Madsen as the mad scientist/hostage and Rachel Hunter as the diva star of the terrible movie, both obviously in it for an easy paycheck. It was produced by none other than Roger Coreman, who made several terrible science fiction films in the 1950's. Here, he proves that he hasn't lost his touch- he can still make terrible science fiction movies. In place of unconvincing zipper-backed monsters, we have unconvincing computer animated monsters, complete with laughable death scenes where even the victims seem to have difficulty keeping straight faces. The Sci Fi Channel strikes again, strikes out that is.