The VelociPastor

This is nothing but a hilarious ride from start to finish, a mangled heap of god-awful props, dialogue, costuming, lighting, special effects, and acting jammed into an inexplicable plot by a genius director who manages to make a very bad movie on purpose without any shred of pretense or shame. The ninja fight scene is what Mortal Kombat would look like if it got hijacked by a kindergarten drama class.

Watch this movie. It's terrible. It's schlocky. You'll love it.

After a cruel twist of fate, a broken priest travels to China to find himself only to become afflicted with a curse turning him into a deadly dinosaur, and when he meets up with a troubled prostitute sets out to use his gift to help others which lets a deadly ninja cult find out about him and bringing them into conflict.

This one was quite the blast of a B-movie. What works best here is the obvious and overt winks that play up how ludicrous and over-the-top the storyline is. The concept involving a man grabbing onto a curse where he turns into a rampaging dinosaur capable of using those powers as the means to eliminate the crazed group of ninjas taking over the underground drug trade in the city should not be taken seriously in the slightest. The tongue-in-cheek nature of what's going on here, from the forced seriousness of the musical cues to the effects work and even the good-standing of the film to wink at the camera with how serious the silliness is adds a sense of fun to this one. As well, the film's short running time manages to constantly provide something funny and enjoyable to like. There's so much goofy and nonsensical action centered around the implausibility of the dinosaur hunting people down when we know it's a priest doing this all along, as the scenes of him eating the pimp, running out of an exorcism or fighting off ninjas while as a human and dino version in absolutely hysterical combat sequences provide the cheesiness required to give this the kind of complete cheesy package provided here. On the whole, these are what manage to hold this one up. There were a few minor flaws here. The main issue here is the completely explaining anything simply for the sake of the joke. There's something to be said for not being the point of the film, but the fact that no one's looking for any of the missing victims including the loner left dismembered in a public park or the other one he attacked in the church leaving physical evidence of the encounter behind. Likewise, there's nothing here to explain how the one victim who suffered a mortal wound in battle, visibly dying as a result, comes back later on without a scratch and no word as to how they survived. Granted, that's just a part of the joke and not the intention here but some of this could've been explained or touched upon. Likewise, the other real flaw here is the film's overall cheesy tone that won't be very appealing for some out there. There's plenty of work here in the cheesy realm featuring barely-finished CGI effects, badly-rendered physical make-up on the wounds and scars and the entire battle between the dinosaur and the ninjas taking place while having the dinosaur featured in a children's party costume performing rudimentary wrestling moves against the ninjas in a scene of pure jaw-dropping hilarity on the audacity to perform that on-camera. Still, thinking this is to be in any form of realistic manner is too cheesy to be included here which might take this to a point that's not entirely worthwhile for some, holding this one down for the most part.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence and Graphic Language.

"The VelociPastor" is the story of a priest who is cut by an ancient artifact. And, as a result, when he's angry, he becomes (much like Bruce Banner) a killing machine that dispenses justice by murdering evil folks.

The story about the making of "The VelociPastor" is quite unusual. It seems that long before the movie was made, a fake trailer for the film was made. Apparently, with the trailer as a calling card, Brendan Steere was able to get enough financial backing to make the film....seven years later!

Now as to the film, you cannot take it seriously and fortunately the filmmakers really don't try. After all, a pastor who is cursed and who becomes a dinosaur (much like the Wolfman) is ridiculous....and tongue-in-cheek is the only way to make the film AND viewers need to understand that they are NOT looking at an Oscar contender or the next film to be included in the Criterion Collection DVD series!! The important question is, does the movie have enough going for it to keep your interest throughout or is it simply a one idea film that never quite gets off the ground?

The acting is occasionally terrible and over-acting is frequent...again, for this sort of silly film, that might not be so bad. After all, the leading man becomes a crime-fighting dinosaur!! There are also ninjas and much more...all things that make the film ridiculous...and funny. So, the writing is also pretty much what you'd expect...silly and hard to hate because it's so silly. Overall, fun to watch and stupid....an unusual combination!

Finally, I was surprised to see Aurelio Voltaire playing a small part (Altaire)...as he's a singer known for his dark songs...such as "Zombie Prostitute" and "When You're Evil"! I was even more surprised that they didn't have him contribute any music to the film....it would have greatly improved the production.

By the way, when the priest is spouting Bible versus, they are mostly nonsense...such as talking about Matthew 32...a book with only 28 chapters, not 32.

I've seen a ton of B-movies with absurd premises like this. They mostly suck, even for a B-movie. But this one knows exactly what it's doing.

This is the perfect kind of ridiculous. As I write this, I'm still laughing and shaking my head at some of the scenes. And it's not just randomly stupid. So much of it is strategic, subtle and clever. I laughed a lot.

When it was almost over, I was thinking it was fun but didn't cross the line into amazing. And then the payoff happened. I'm in such awe that the scene was actually filmed. In real life. On earth. By a professional movie crew and actors.

If you liked this, check out Zombeavers. (2 viewings, 2/4/2022, 12/16/2022)

There is absolutely no reason a movie like this should exist. Every single second of it is unnecessary. But it's a wild ride from beginning to end: violence, romance, suspense, mystery, gore, broken families, heartache, religion, ridiculousness, and more! It is a cultural journey through the complicated religious connections of the world. It's true marvel of cinema. Genius is the only way to describe it.

Please watch this flawless piece of art and share with everyone you know.