Spiders

Spiders (2013)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

Another "big monster" movie with this one here centering on a Russian space station that crashes into the subway system of New York City. At first the "issue" seems to be clearing itself up but soon giant spiders are on a killing spree. SPIDERS somehow managed to get a theatrical release, which is kinda strange considering this really isn't any better than the type of monster pictures that show up on SyFy week after week. This is certainly far from a horrible film but I honestly couldn't recommend it over countless other low-budget "B" movies that I've seen here the past decade. At least with the movies that you see on SyFy they are cheap, fun and offer up some sort of badness. SPIDERS, on the other hand, really isn't all that fun. The title of the movie should have been "Walk Around and Talk" because that's pretty much what happens throughout the running time. We're introduced to our "heroes" who pretty much argue with one another as they walk through the streets of New York seeing all the destruction. As for the spiders, the effects are slightly better than what you'd see on SyFy but at the same time they're still pretty cheap and aren't very convincing. The look of the spiders aren't too bad as they're at least mildly entertaining. Of course, they were in 3D in the movie theater so watching at home I wasn't able to judge that. The death scenes in the film are mostly forgettable and there's just nothing special to any of them. The PG-13 rating certainly holds the film back from being "more" and, again, the stuff you see on SyFy is better.

I liked this movie. Not a lot of new ground here. There have been almost as many spider movies as shark movies. The spin here is that the spiders are a hybrid with some kind of alien. Even though some of the acting is poor and the story is thin what makes this movie stand out are the monster effects. The Queen Spider is especially well done and menacing. I was really surprised by how good she came out. There are a few points when the CGI freezes, but that wasn't too long.

This is a pleasant surprise.

When a meteor shower hits an old Soviet space station in the orbit of Earth, parts and debris crash into the New York subway tunnel near the Noble Street Station. The traffic controller Jason (Patrick Muldoon) sends his colleague Jimmy (Atanas Srebrev) to inspect the damage but soon he is found dead. The doctor finds a bite on his leg and eggs inside his body, and Jason takes one of them to ask his wife Rachel (Christa Campbell) to test in the laboratory where she works. When he goes with the subway security team to the location where Jimmy was found, they discover a nest of strong and carnivorous spiders. Meanwhile Col. Jenkins (William Hope) and the Russian scientist Dr. Darnoff (Pete Lee-Wilson) discuss the special breed of spiders genetically developed in the space with zero gravity that would build a powerful nest that would be used in military purpose. Further, they need the queen's egg that Jason gave to his wife. Then and he lies to the population telling that there is a deadly virus in the neighborhood where Jimmy was found and they hunt Jason and his family. When they recover the egg, Col. Jenkins put it in the nest to raise the queen and decides to execute everyone that is aware of the spiders. Will he succeed in his plan?

"Spiders" is a film with a lame and stupid story from the beginning. How can the colonel lie and execute people in a democratic country the way he did? By the way, why execute people? Just to keep the spiders in secret? In a situation like that, why keep powered trails in the subway. The spider queen can resist to machine gun, bazooka, but a traffic operator is capable to contain the giant insect with a steel bar. The corny conclusion with husband and wife forgetting the divorce is also awful. The cinematography and the effects are reasonable but the acting is terrible. My vote is three.

Title (Brazil): "Aranhas" ("Spiders")

Bad acting in a story filled with plot problems, it moves slowly and didn't even scare my wife who is terrified of spiders (which was my main motivation for renting it). The only redeeming quality was that it was actually so bad that we laughed to the point of tears at a couple spots. My favorite moment in the movie is when the main character is surrounded by a s.w.a.t. team and slowly backs away and then successfully runs away without one soldier managing to fire a single shot. The other moment I enjoyed was when the main character fights the mother spider with his fists after tanks, machine guns, and missiles failed to do any damage...sure that makes sense. This movie really doesn't deserve ten lines or ten minutes of your time, but alas my displeasure desires to have a voice.

Problems With Spiders:

-Not enough spiders. -The spiders don't kill enough stupid actors. -Christa Campbell's botoxed and sadly altered faced makes her look like Michael Jackson near the end. -Not enough spiders. -When every actor flubbed a line (and they all did at some point, some more than others) it seemed like the director just waved them on to continue. -Seeing the same forty or so extras in nearly every crowd scene (watch for the red hoodie). -Not enough goddammed spiders!

I could go on, but it's hot in my apartment right now. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.