Witch

I went into this thinking it was going to be a run-of-the-mill horror movie, as I had seen no press for it before running across it on Amazon Prime. If you want to consider the way women historically been portrayed and treated, then yes, a bit horrifying to see it in play.

But I found it to be an intellectual, genre-bending new take. It's not a trifling hack-fest. It's an intriguing little mystery, a smidge of what-if, a refreshing period piece written for today's audience wrapped in a tale of a man's eternal love for his wife and the lengths he will go to protect his family.

The negative reviewers on here probably haven't capacity for nuance in film, and where there are many movies to better suit them, if you don't want to think a little, avoid for simpler matter.

It is 1585 England. There be witches. There is a battle before it flashbacks to four nights earlier. The blacksmith's innocent wife is accused of being a witch. This is a British fantasy indie. I don't know why all the printed material says 1575 when the text in the movie says 1585. To me, that tells the story of this movie's amateur production. The first thing I noticed is that none of this feels real. This location feels like some present day reconstruction theme park. I do have to say that there are interesting singular images, but when it gets stretched out to full scenes, it becomes rather boring. In the end, this movie puts me to sleep.

So many reviewers seem to be hunting anacronisms like they are scavenger hunting in a trivia game. Come on, folks, we know this movie isn't perfect, but it definitely offers a few nice chills and aha moments. Drawing us in with atmosphere and mountig dread, subtly redirecting us away from the impending trial to the mysterious old man, then springing a new direction on the audience. As I said many times, delicious! Yes, I would edit a bit more ruthlessly and cut the whole thing by about ten minutes, but when I remember this film was made by sweat, faith and crowdfunding, I am blown away by its effectiveness! Kudos to Zammit and the whole team!

By gum, this is truly diabolical. Neil Marshall made a similarly-themed turkey a few years ago, yet this makes that seem like a bleedin' classic in comparison. No effort has been made here. Plot, acting, sets, wardrobes, dialogue, budget. One of the leads wears a terrible false beard throughout. Poor bugger, I felt for him because he seemed to show a bit more energy than the others; like a temp trying to get a perm job in the office. A well known newspaper suggested this was worth a go, but that rag's been going downhill too in recent years. I even paid for this on a streaming site, what was I thinking? I'm thinking I'll need to watch Captain Kronos again to erase this crud from my memory.

Some films are so bad they're good. Witch (2024) is so bad, it's almost insulting. Directed (or rather, mishandled) by Craig Hinde and Marc Zammit, this supposed folk horror catastrophe is one of the most painful cinematic experiences in recent memory.

The movie starts off slow-and not in a brooding, atmospheric way. It's just boring. Within the first ten minutes, it's clear that pacing, suspense, and coherent storytelling were left at the script draft stage. The plot, which revolves around a man trying to prove his wife isn't a witch, somehow manages to drag despite being absurdly thin. When the film suddenly throws in a half-baked multiverse twist, it's less of a shock and more of a desperate grasp for relevance.

The acting ranges from wooden to downright embarrassing. The only slightly redeemable performance comes from Daniel Jordan, who tries his best with the role of a judge-but even he can't save this trainwreck. The rest of the cast feel like they were pulled from a last-minute community theatre audition.

The direction is amateurish, with lifeless scenes, bizarre editing, and dialogue that sounds like it was written by an AI trained solely on Tumblr posts and bad Renaissance Fair scripts. The horror elements? Laughable. At one point, a poorly rendered CGI flame floats across the screen like a PowerPoint animation. It's hard to tell if this was meant to be scary or if the film is secretly a parody of itself.

Visually, it's a mess. Despite being set in 16th-century England, everything feels oddly artificial and modern. The cinematography has all the charm of a history channel reenactment on a tight budget.

I can usually find something to appreciate even in the lowest-budget indie films. I want to like them. But Witch is on another level of bad. I honestly don't think I could finish it even if you paid me-not without falling asleep or losing my will to live.

Final verdict: Do yourself a favor and skip this one. Burn some sage, say a prayer, and pretend Witch (2024) never existed.