Basement

I am a big fan of horror films, and an even bigger one of English horror but this movie puts the British film industry to shame. How any money at all could be invested in such a load of nonsensical rubbish is beyond me. The plot, such as it is, makes absolutely no sense, the acting is atrocious and even though the film only lasts 74 minutes, it seems like four times that due to the boredom. All that really happens is a bunch of totally uninteresting characters walk up and down the same dingy corridors over and over again talking crap and then it ends, leaving you wondering why you wasted your time watching this bilge rather than doing almost anything else you could possibly think of. I have just taken great pleasure in cutting up the DVD and disposing of it just in case someone makes the mistake of ever putting in their DVD player. I would rather gnaw my own legs off than watch this again. Do not watch if you know what's good for you!

Horrific. I usually enjoy films that are so bad they are funny - or entertaining on some level, but this was truly awful to the point that I felt angry with myself for watching it to the end. I won't even go into an overview of the plot, there isn't one.It makes no sense from start to finish with the worst script ever to be delivered. Harry Enfield and his mockney characters have a lot to answer for - although I'm certain he would have performed 100 times better than these 'actors'. If you are turned on by spending just over an hour watching boring people in a boring location saying pointless and idiotic things to each other for no reason whatsoever then I suggest that you save yourself a fiver and watch Big Brother. This is, without a doubt the worst film I have ever seen. And what the hell is DCI Burnside out of the bill Talking about at the start? Do yourself a favour and spend the fiver on a slightly better takeaway than you had planned.

Last time I saw Danny Dyer was in The Business, which was an entertaining movie, so when I saw he was in a new film called Basement, I thought "Why not?" Had I know what was in front of me, I would say "Why bother?!"

Anyway, a complete waste of time is putting it mildly. Scooping my eyeballs out with sharpened ice cream scoops and then filling the gaping sockets with rock salt would have been preferable to watching this utter bilge. Dire script - really, REALLY dire, lamentable acting - I'd love to have been there at the auditions - how did the actors keep their faces straight? It was utterly terrible from the word go. Well, not strictly true as it's pretty difficult to screw up a set of film titles. Bizarrely I submitted myself to the ultimate torture and stayed to watch 'til the end, in the faint and getting fainter (like my will to live) by the minute hope that it would get better, or maybe had a killer payoff - which is doesn't.

I started watching this film sitting upright on the couch, and as the penance wore on, I slumped down to a position that left me looking and feeling like I'd spent 5 hours being sat on by overweight feminists after turning up at a women's lib demonstration with a sigh that read "Iron My Shirts!".

Seriously though, what was Danny Dyer thinking? Was he behind on the rent when he signed up for this trash? Jimmy Mistry should have known better too. I mean, do they actually read the scripts before signing on the dotted line?

Actually, scratch that because if you're unfortunate enough to sit through this garbage, then you very quickly come to the conclusion that they were reading the script for the first time on the toilet, on day one of filming!

A friend of mine's wife says that I always manage to find something positive to say about most movies, even the bad ones, but this is a definite first for me in that I can find nothing positive whatsoever to say about it. It's really, truly awful. Bad (terrible!) acting, laughable script, and very poor direction. No redeeming qualities whatsoever.

What makes it even worse, is that they've had the cheek to release it on the vastly over-priced Blu-Ray as well!!!!

Arrrgh!

Oh, the irony! I enjoy watching Danny Dyer movies, simply because they're so laughably bad, but this one is so bad it's dreadful. The script is terrible, the story nonsensical, the music is bizarre, the acting reminds me of secondary school drama class and for the most part, relatively little happens. There is a storyline and some action does occur eventually, but by the time it happens you'll probably either have stopped watching or nodded off. I've given it 3 out of 10 and the only reason it wasn't a 1 was because Danny made me laugh so much. From his "I want to be somebody" line to his comical run, Danny brings some (no doubt unintentional) humour to proceedings. There is also a great moment where Danny says: "I've done something terrible, and I've got to live with it for the rest of my life". He delivers the line so well that one can only assume that he was thinking about this movie.

I don't know why I do it to myself, I really don't. This is unquestionably the worst film I've seen this, or possibly any, year.

The acting is appalling, the dialogue is worse (see 'memorable quotes' for some examples I have added), the direction is amateurish (the opening scene between Danny Dyer and his Mum is so badly framed that half her face is missing) and the sets are worse than Dr Who c. 1989. It really has to be seen to be believed - but don't. Take my word for it.

It kind of sums the film up that they spell the leading lady's name incorrectly in the trailer.