Basement

Last time I saw Danny Dyer was in The Business, which was an entertaining movie, so when I saw he was in a new film called Basement, I thought "Why not?" Had I know what was in front of me, I would say "Why bother?!"

Anyway, a complete waste of time is putting it mildly. Scooping my eyeballs out with sharpened ice cream scoops and then filling the gaping sockets with rock salt would have been preferable to watching this utter bilge. Dire script - really, REALLY dire, lamentable acting - I'd love to have been there at the auditions - how did the actors keep their faces straight? It was utterly terrible from the word go. Well, not strictly true as it's pretty difficult to screw up a set of film titles. Bizarrely I submitted myself to the ultimate torture and stayed to watch 'til the end, in the faint and getting fainter (like my will to live) by the minute hope that it would get better, or maybe had a killer payoff - which is doesn't.

I started watching this film sitting upright on the couch, and as the penance wore on, I slumped down to a position that left me looking and feeling like I'd spent 5 hours being sat on by overweight feminists after turning up at a women's lib demonstration with a sigh that read "Iron My Shirts!".

Seriously though, what was Danny Dyer thinking? Was he behind on the rent when he signed up for this trash? Jimmy Mistry should have known better too. I mean, do they actually read the scripts before signing on the dotted line?

Actually, scratch that because if you're unfortunate enough to sit through this garbage, then you very quickly come to the conclusion that they were reading the script for the first time on the toilet, on day one of filming!

A friend of mine's wife says that I always manage to find something positive to say about most movies, even the bad ones, but this is a definite first for me in that I can find nothing positive whatsoever to say about it. It's really, truly awful. Bad (terrible!) acting, laughable script, and very poor direction. No redeeming qualities whatsoever.

What makes it even worse, is that they've had the cheek to release it on the vastly over-priced Blu-Ray as well!!!!

Arrrgh!

Horrific. I usually enjoy films that are so bad they are funny - or entertaining on some level, but this was truly awful to the point that I felt angry with myself for watching it to the end. I won't even go into an overview of the plot, there isn't one.It makes no sense from start to finish with the worst script ever to be delivered. Harry Enfield and his mockney characters have a lot to answer for - although I'm certain he would have performed 100 times better than these 'actors'. If you are turned on by spending just over an hour watching boring people in a boring location saying pointless and idiotic things to each other for no reason whatsoever then I suggest that you save yourself a fiver and watch Big Brother. This is, without a doubt the worst film I have ever seen. And what the hell is DCI Burnside out of the bill Talking about at the start? Do yourself a favour and spend the fiver on a slightly better takeaway than you had planned.

If ZERO had been an option on the voting scale I'd have most certainly selected it. As it happens, ONE was the lowest available.

"Basement" has one merit and that's that it made me sign up for IMDb so that I could share with the world what an abysmal waste of time and money this film is.

What is unbelievable is the idea that someone, somewhere, thought that this thing could be viable for production and that nobody along the way was honest enough to tell the director, the producers or whoever that perhaps jacking it in would have been more dignified.

There's no danger of a spoiler because this film is about nothing. In theory the premises are interesting, not miles away from The Hole. A group of people are lost in the woods and end up in a dark and creepy basement. "Wow" you'd think, "Great!". No it isn't. This is where it all ends. The rest is some sort of tedious, repetitive, shallow, unengaging and inconsequential bilge. It goes nowhere. It says nothing. It's not even dumb. I guess it's the closest a film ever got to representing the concept of nothingness which, in a way, is actually an achievement.

Oh, and by the way, the acting is the worst ever. By far. Times ten.

"Basement" is like a Year-9 project carried out by a group of kids messing about with some recording equipment. Except worse.

I am a big fan of horror films, and an even bigger one of English horror but this movie puts the British film industry to shame. How any money at all could be invested in such a load of nonsensical rubbish is beyond me. The plot, such as it is, makes absolutely no sense, the acting is atrocious and even though the film only lasts 74 minutes, it seems like four times that due to the boredom. All that really happens is a bunch of totally uninteresting characters walk up and down the same dingy corridors over and over again talking crap and then it ends, leaving you wondering why you wasted your time watching this bilge rather than doing almost anything else you could possibly think of. I have just taken great pleasure in cutting up the DVD and disposing of it just in case someone makes the mistake of ever putting in their DVD player. I would rather gnaw my own legs off than watch this again. Do not watch if you know what's good for you!

This film, it has to be said, is not one of the best movies I've ever seen. Having said that, there are a hell of a lot out there that are worse in every respect. Danny Dyer's acting skills are on par with his usual ability and are pretty well matched by the acting prowess of the rest of the cast. All suffer with the usual, overused problem of being characters who don't deserve us caring about them. There is one character who is so thoroughly obnoxious that I at least thought his death came way too late. The setting is quite effective in creating a sense of claustrophobia, being one narrow tunnel after another. The mystery of the killings and who is stalking the group is somewhat weak to say the least, as is the manner in which they arrive in the titular Basement. As long as you don't go into watching this film expecting to see something amazing, you wont be disappointed. It will leave you with questions that are not answered but to be honest you wont lose any sleep over it.