The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens

If you try to compare it to Harry Potter, you will rate it a 1 or 2. If you rate it on what it is, maybe 4 or 5. Yes, there is little story and the sets are non-existent but in exchange for that, the acting is pretty bad. Kids look at the camera sometimes. So just watch it when there is no other choice. Of, yeah, some of the dialog is overcome by music is sound effects. Don't worry, you don't really need it, anyway. Think Goonies on 10% of the budget. That's all. 126 characters to go. Why that requirement? Ok, 82 more. Almost done. 55. Will this never end? 28. Bye bye... 15.9.7.4.2 Done, finally.

What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Oh, that's right, it's the smell of my brain rotting. I started watching the film with an IQ higher than the average person and somehow during the course of the film managed to lose all my ability to think and/or function right for an entire week. The acting was so horrible, it was like these people had just been randomly picked off the street by the director of the film "Excuse me sir, could you give me just maybe two hours of your time? That's all it'll take, I swear. All you'll have to do is say a few lines and don't worry about putting meaning behind the words, it's highly over-rated and we wouldn't want a half-ways descent film that people would enjoy let alone watch. What's that? Oh, you don't want to look stupid on film? OK, we'll find somebody else who's ten times worse than you are." On top of the dreadful acting, the show just seemed to go on and on and on. It never ended. The first five minutes had me wanting to go and violently hurl myself off the edge of a cliff into a shallow pool of water with jagged rocks at the bottom. I didn't even think it was possible to make me WANT to commit suicide. I didn't think it was possible that this movie could reach the level of "Slipstream" that seemed as if it was just thrown together within a matter of seconds. Well it did. It wasn't quite as bad but if you ever have seen the movie with your own two eyes you'd get the picture. Please, please I beg of you, do not let yourself or far worse your children watch this film, it will come back to haunt you and it's just plain torture to sit through an hour and a half of something this abominable. I have set a warning at the bottom of my review.(Oh and by the way this gets a zero out of ten, if it were possible I would rate it lower)

WARNING, Side affects of watching this movie may include: Insomnia, Nightmares, Hallucinations, Nausea, Vomiting, Severe Internal Hemorrhaging, Brain Decay, Diarrhea, Headaches, and a very possible state of Coma. Not meant to be watched in the presence of children age ten or younger. If such an event occurs call an ambulance immediately but by then it's probably too late. Your child has already been scarred.

It's hard to make a fun, enjoyable "bad" movie. I've seen a wide selection of b-movies, cheesy plots/writing, stiff acting, cheap effects. Some are good fun to watch. Others are painful to force yourself through without MST3K. This is one of the fun ones, filled with laughable content and easy to watch without outside riffing, one reason I gave this 3 stars.

The plot moves along nicely enough, filled with bad lines (i.e. "The strongest bond between friends is friendship"), stagnant acting from most, and topped off with Roddy Piper's accent - a mash-up of Tom Waits and Christian Bale's "Batman" voice.

Any fan of b-movies should add this to their must-see as a blatant Harry Potter knock-off with parts Narnia, parts Goonies, and parts SyFy Thor with extra cheese.

There is nothing in the world that really makes me angry enough to fight. I am old enough to know that violence is rarely the answer, if ever. But damn, this movie enrages every fiber of my soul.

So what is the story behind this train wreck? I can only guess that director Mark McNabb found some gullible parents that were trying to get their kids into show business. So with the help of four movies, he sought to turn the titular kids in this film into stars, starting with this horrible effort.

The plot...oh boy the plot. It veers off into so many directions that it is impossible to figure it out. Something about a scepter and wands and magic and...whatever. Then you got unconvincing bad guys who have managed to stay immortal for years despite not changing their name.

The acting was so bad I felt personally attacked. I know I stink at emoting, but goodness everyone in this movie is dreadful. I hate knocking on kids but what is a man supposed to do when forced to experience this dreck first hand?

I barely made it to the end, and I feel like I deserve a trophy. Where is my damn award Mark McNabb? Is the prize starring in one of your movies? I hope so! I wanna show these kids how to suck at acting. What was I talking about again?