The Pit and the Pendulum

This is one of the worst "things" I've seen for ages. I call it a "thing" because it is not a film or movie, but unfortunately it does exist so it gets credit for existing.

I loved reading Edgar Allan Poe's The Pit and the Pendulum, and hated torturing my poor eyes on this monstrosity. It has nothing to do with Poe's story. It doesn't even seem like they read the cliff notes before mashing there ill informed hands down on the keyboard. I wouldn't have much issue with it if it was titled something like The Spooky Homo-erotic Mansion Mystery or David Decoteau's Middle School Video Class Project, in the later case I'd give little David a grade of C for getting it done, but points must be taken off for being ever so boring and poorly acted, directed, written, shot, edited, scored and any other aspect you could think of.

This "thing" even falls short of late night soft core porn. It's not the funny kind of bad, it just is bad. If you like naked dudes touching and stuff... you might get it, but probably not. This is a movie made for nobody except for the people in it to try to please their parents by showing them art school wasn't a waste of money. It was... Failed

Don't watch it, burn it! Helen Keller would cover her eyes and ears if subjected to this horrid "thing". Booo! Boooooooooo!

A David Decoteau movie that's actually quite good? I wouldn't rate it as high as it is on here, I'd give it a 6, maybe a six and a half, but because this is a real improvement on David's last few movies I'll be generous and give a 7. But really, it's a six.

Anyhoo - all the usual Decoteau elements are here: buff guys, one location (same one that was used in his House of Usher and Alien Presence - he must shoot them back to back), non-existent budget, blue hues etc. Big difference though are two things: good story and a much better cast.

The story is straight out of Amicus. A screw-loose hypnotist invites a bunch of extreme sports enthusiasts (including a storm chaser - wtf?) to a mansion where she bumps them off one by one. She tries to hypnotize them to break the pain barrier, because apparently she feels no pain and wants to create someone just like her, because she's lonely and obviously mad. Gender isn't important - she tries it on with the chicks too. The movie is full of references to anything to do with time (pendulum, hypnosis, got that?) and pain (she has a thing for cactuses) There's also a ton of really wacko dialog: "The plural of cactus is cacti!" she growls at the deep sea diving lesbian (yes you read that right) and pretty much everything that comes out of the cute blond storm chaser guy's mouth is a hoot ("a tower of wind connecting the earth and the sky!"). The lines these characters come up with are really something else.

The kills are standard Decoteau - nothing bloody, but there is a modicum of suspense, mostly because some of these characters you actually want to survive, especially the lesbians. They get the best lines. Did I forget to mention that most of the characters are gay/lesbian/bisexual? Well it was cool that none of them made a point/issue of this. Would it be like that in this homophobic world we live in? No. But hey.

The cast is a cut above Decoteau's norm. Lorielle New is %100 ham and holds the movie. I think the whole budget must have gone on her wardrobe, with some loose change to buy the giant pendulum. Danielle Demski (Miss Arizona apparently) and Amy Paffrath (from Evil Bong 2) are cute drunk girls who ditch their boyfriends for each other - they're also good. The rest of the cast (all male) don't get to do much except take their clothes off, no surprise there. The wrestler guys - Tom Sandoval (from Puppet Master 10) and Michael King, (serious hottie) apart from having as much charisma as the lesbians, have a very weird scene, where they roll around on the floor for five minutes while the mad hypnotist writhes naked in a chair with a whip! Oh yeah and Greg Sestero from The Room has a cameo - more weirdness.

It's all schlocky, but there's some cool story lines going on that keep you intrigued and the cast do a good job keeping you entertained. There's hardly a slo-mo scene in sight, no filler or pointless shots of scenery, not even an extended shower scene, which is what a lot of Decoteau's previous movies have been full of.

Basically, this is an Amicus throwback - crazy dialog, weird characters and a fun contribution from the cast. It kept me entertained. More of this please, David.

Firstly, this has nothing whatsoever to do with Edgar Allan Poe or even the fabulously lurid and artistically hip Roger Corman flick from the early sixties.

Secondly, those expecting soft-core porn will be singularly disappointed. It's horribly coy and non-explicit and utterly redundant in it's puerile representations of homo-eroticism, lesbianism and sexual sado-masochism. Imagine those elements transplanted into an episode of the original Scooby Doo cartoon series and that just about illustrates the mentality.

Thirdly, if imagining a half-decent psychological-thriller, it fails on all counts. Nil psychology, zero thrills, null tension, zip suspense and nada logic.

If, however, you are on the lookout for something that is a dull, boring, atrociously acted, abysmally scripted piece of pointless junk, with no gore, no wit, no fun, no dynamic and lots of superimposed visual images of clocks and audio ticking, chiming and heartbeats on the soundtrack that will absolutely decimate your will to live, then this is the ideal ticket.

For a film to not even manage to tap the very outer reaches of the concept of exploitation cinema in order to generate the merest iota of entertainment value is some remarkable feat. And this film achieves that dubious honour. There is nothing to redeem it. Avoid.

What a TERRIBLE movie! I totally agree with the 2 others who gave it a 1 on here. Firstly, when everyone gets out of the car, at the very start, they are then INTRODUCED??? What were they doing in the car on the way there!?! They said there wasn't a house for MILES, so they must have been in the car a while! Then one of them drags out the advert they are all answering... and READS IT OUT LOUD! WTF??? They are all there BECAUSE of the same advert, THEY don't need it read out to them! Wouldn't they already KNOW THIS? Is it just for the audience? So blatant! Jeez! Couldn't they have established this in the car on the way there? Who WROTE this crap! At this point the 3 people watching this with me decided to LEAVE! This movie is FULL of CRINGE inducing crap. - The actors all looked like they just came out of a salon, and selected on looks, none of them look like average students, but rather male models, or such, although the main lady's cheek implants are almost popping out of her face! This movie reminds one of a sinking ship from the start, but it just won't go down! Ugh. - Slight superficial sexual episode, then senseless cutting to a scene with no relevance to the ongoing scene! It's a mess! I would give this movie a miss. - I think I won't even hold out much longer. That's it. Thanks, but no thanks.

The only thing good about this movie was the hot buff guys in their underwear. Unfortunately. I wanted to see how it ended. Otherwise, I would have stopped watching it.