Kill Her Goats

How can a reviewer write 600 words on this mess of a movie?

A slasher movie needs to have certain things to make it in the genre such as:

1. Tits! Yep, plenty of visuals there. From the opening scene gravity and skin interact. I might add that Ms Raycene more than contributes in that area

2. Bums! Yep, plenty of visuals there as well. Bouncing bums aplenty.

3. Acting? This movie has such little competent thespian qualities that Ms Raycene almost hits the mark. I said almost because the final scenes end in an incoherent bloody mess.

4. Plot? Well there is a plot but it's gossamer thin and in the end the director lost control of the movie.

I really need to watch again to work out the plot but life is too short and watching this mess is just painful.

So how to you rate a movie like this? Well, it gets one point for the tits and bums and another point for the copious amounts of (fake) blood.

Oh what the hell, I'll give it another point for Ms Raycene's bust.

I'm giving it a generous 3/10 and I want my wasted time back!

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner... "Kill Her Goats" must be the poorest and most useless excuse for a horror movie in history. And, please, don't let anyone tell you it's a spoof or deliberately bad. It's just plain bad. There are tongue-in-cheek elements present, for sure, but the skills and talent to process these into a good parody/horror comedy are missing.

In a strange way, I almost admire writer/director Steve Wolsh. Either this man has been living under a rock and never heard of all the socially & politically correct movements of recent years, or he has... but genuinely doesn't care! Fact remains that Wolsh treated himself to a party! He somehow successfully pretended to helm a film production and gathered a whole bunch of untalented but lewd 'actresses' that he could record in various stages of undress. Well done, Steve! Glad you had fun.

"Kill Her Goats" stars six gorgeous girls with perfect (and sometimes enhanced) measurements. Never mind their names because they were obviously just cast based on their bra-size and willingness to do nudity in front of the camera. The plot revolves around them being hunt down by some guy (or two guys?) wearing a goat mask.

75% of the running time exists of footage of girls taking showers, drinking wine in their undies, changing tops, getting ready for bed, or posing for social media photographs. In the barely 25% of time that is left, Wolsh still manages to ruin everything. Who are these killers? What are their motivations? What's the significance of the dream-sequence at the cemetery? Who's the couple in the tent? Why imply to make it look like a New England haunted house tale during the opening sequences? Why doesn't anyone so much as even think about calling 911? Etc. Sure, track down a copy if you want to gaze at cute girls without clothes, but I think there are easier alternatives for that.

I don't even know what this was.

It's like they asked a 12 year old to wirte a horror movie. And he was like "ok, what's it about?" And they said "nothing". But it's called "Kill Her Goats". So...involve goats in some way.

And the he was like "ohhh killer goats"...I got it.

And they said "no, goats have nothing to do with it. But you like boobs, right? " And he said "yeah". And made this movie.

There's literally a line towards the end where a chick says "why are there goats?". I don't think it was even in the script.

I almost recommend it just because of how absurd it is.

It's like a Rob Zombie film if Rob Zombie was a child.

Yeah, that was a swing and a miss...

Stumbling upon the oddly titled "Kill Her Goats" horror movie here in 2023, of course I opted to watch it, given my love of the horror cinema. However, I have to admit that I wasn't all that thrilled about it, as the movie had managed to land a staggering 2.9 rating here on IMDb when I sat down to watch it.

However, opting to give the movie the benefit of the doubt, I still found the time to sit down and watch what writer and director Steve Wolsh had to offer.

And I couldn't sit through the entire 99 minutes that the movie ran for. I managed to endure a staggering 51 minutes of the most immature and pointless writing for a script that I have seen in a long, long time. There was no contents to the script, no proper storyline, and it was essentially all about showing off scantily clad women in various degrees of undress having a sleepover of sorts. That was about it. Nothing worthwhile sitting down to watch here actually.

Needless to say that I wasn't familiar with the cast ensemble in "Kill Her Goats". Nor can I say that I was impressed with anything I saw, because the actresses on the cast list virtually had nothing to work with in terms of script, character gallery or dialogue. Perusing through the cast ensemble listed on IMDb, I must admit that I am very, very surprised to see Kane Hodder on the cast list for this movie. Three words come to mind here; Kane Hodder, why?

The movie's best aspect was the cover and the whacky title.

It should be said though, that the movie actually does have a fair production level to it. But that really did nothing to alleviate for the immense shortcoming of an immature and pointless script, non-distinct characters and wobbly dialogue.

If you enjoy horror movies, take heed of the movie's low rating and give writer and director Steve Wolsh's 2023 horror movie "Kill Her Goats" a wide berth. It simply isn't worth the time, effort or money.

My rating of of "Kill Her Goats" lands on a two out of ten stars. And believe you me when I say that I am not even going to bother returning to watch the rest of the movie; I just simply didn't care about the non-existing storyline or the flaccid character gallery.

The opening scene certainly sets you up for making you think you're in for one hell of a gory movie. The murder of a pair of campers by Goat Face & his dual, giant hedge trimmers, which provides plenty of gore & bare skin. It certainly feels like you're back in the 80s. After the opening kill scene Kill Her Goats turns into something that looks more like an 80s T&A film or a soft core porno than a horror film. There are loads of shots of women jumping on beds, bouncing down stairs, whipping off bikini tops & taking showers. Which wouldn't be bad except that this is supposed to be a horror movie & those scenes are shot in such a bland, by-the-numbers fashion that they can't overcome the truly terrible dialogue & acting. There's never any suspense or feeling of dread because we're dealing with terrible acting & unlikable characters that we don't care about. As for the plot, it's almost impossible to figure out what is actually going on. It's not the worst movie but it has many flaws.

Overall, the potential was there for Kill Her Goats. It could have been a wicked throwback to the golden age of slashers. Unfortunately, the filmmakers consistently made bad decisions & squandered that potential along with an hour & a half of the viewer's life.