Bikini Girls on Ice

If you are a horror geek you can't get a better title than Bikini Girls On Ice. One reason to give Geoff Klein (director and writer) a big cheer. Secondly, they knew how to promote their slasher, put a girl on the cover of the DVD wearing a revealing bikini, another cheer. So far the good points, sadly it's down hill from here on. It's really a slasher but one we have seen a thousand times. Nothing is explained about the killer, not who he is or why he's killing or why he use ice. Of course, once the girls have a break down with their bus on the way to a bikini car wash they've been warned by a local that something is terrible wrong with the abandoned gas station. The killer itself is believable but there is no gore in it. It's all filmed from the view of the victim so you only see him hitting and smashing heads. Now and then you see a bit of blood spurting on the lens. Just at the end it is enjoyable due the suspense given. And then there are of course the girls. Admit it, you not only watched it for the horror but also for the juggs. And it's a bit flat (no pun intended) on that way too. With a title like that you expect that the bikini's will be removed, well I have to disappoint you freaks, just one girl show her titties. And talking about their boobs, I guess the Americans will be disappointed by the 'natural' breasts by the girls. For the other geeks worldwide, there are no two-a penny fake tits wannabees. Maybe Suzi Lorraine has fake ones, she's the most loaded of them all. And have a look, the title really worked, I'm talking more about that than about the horror.

Actually the title itself is a sufficient enough reason to stay clear of this movie. I watched it, though, in the slight hope that it might actually turn out to be a decent slasher movie. But no, it was quite the opposite.

The story is very simple and generic; a group of young women get trapped in the middle of nowhere with a deviant killer on the rampage.

"Bikini Girls On Ice" was an entertaining as it was original, enough said. The murderer is no next Jason, Freddy or Michael that is fore sure. In fact you will have forgotten about him immediately when the movie ends. And as for the actual killings, well nothing out of the ordinary, a shame because it could have been what salvaged the movie.

All throughout the movie the girls were in bikinis, hence the title. Yeah, I know that it might appeal to a large group of guys, but it was just idiotic. Why would people run around in bikinis during night time? So these women could bring mobile phones but not clothes? It was just so pathetically lame.

If you, like me, enjoy a good and entertaining slasher movie, then do yourself a favor and stay well clear of "Bikini Girls On Ice". I suffered through it so you don't have to.

This review have also been uploaded to my user page, Bml93, at Listal.com

Well, what can you actually expect from a title with the name of Bikini Girls on Ice? It's not really a film you put on if you want to see top- notch quality. But is it a crime to put on a film like this, in hope for it to be entertaining? No, it's not. Bikini Girls on Ice is exactly what it sounds like in one way, and it's far from what one would expect in another, more crucial way. It's what you would expect in that the title delivers exactly what it says. Girls walking around in bikinis, only to be put on ice later. Unfortunately, the film doesn't deliver where it should deliver. It fails to fulfill the number one rule of slasher films. It's not entertaining.

When you seek out films like this, there's only two things you need in order to be entertained. Some well-placed nudity (these are films for guys after all) and some cheap, imaginative and gory kills. This is supposed to be cheap entertainment in almost a "so bad it's good" way. If those two things are delivered, it's very easy to forgive things as atrocious actors portraying not particularly likable characters and an idiotic plot. But when the film fails to deliver those two things, you're left with a real turd.

It's really hard to see what the director of this film was actually thinking? What creative reason did he have for choosing the decision that ruined the little hope this film had to come off as passable entertainment? You see, instead of filming stupid, hot and naked teenagers getting brutally murdered in the most unthinkable ways, writer/director Geoff Klein decided for a completely different approach to the material. He decided to have every kill offscreen. Instead of seeing people getting unmercifully maimed, Klein decided to show blood sprouting over the wall or the killer's face instead. Aside from one kill (who is painfully generic), every kill in this film is happening offscreen. It's beyond my belief how a 2009 film ended up by doing that.

It doesn't even have that many kills in it. We're early in the film introduced to a bus load of bikini clothed females, but after some minutes of tame, supposedly erotic, car washing, half of the females just walks(!) away. We're cheated for four-five more kills in the most illogical and stupid manner possible. So Klein obviously thinks that seeing a few girls getting murdered offscreen in their bikins is enough to entertain. It's not. It's not nearly enough.

It's quite simply a film that doesn't manage to compensate for it's awful script and acting. The film delivers girls dressed in bikins as the title promises, but it doesn't deliver any of the actual good things one would expect from a title like that. We're shown one set of boobs and actually shown one kill. The rest is offscreen, and that makes for really bad film.

Bikini Girls on Ice tries to be a throwback to 80's slashers but lacks atmosphere, nudity, gore or a credible killer. I can live with the girls being terrible actors, clearly they were hired for their ability to wear a bikini but their characters were unlikable and dumb. Likewise, all the male characters except one are unlikable and dumb. The story, thin as it is, doesn't make any sense. The killer, played by William Jarand, kept making weird grunting sounds and was just not menacing. Maybe if this were edited down to 60 minutes it would be watchable, maybe slightly enjoyable, but there is just too much fluff. Slashers were a genre of their time, difficult to replicate these days.

The title of this film puts me in mind of those figure-skating shows they put on at Christmas—only in this case, instead of Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty On Ice, it would be hot babes in itsy-bitsy bikinis performing the choctaws, camel spins, and triple salchows with a twist to the strains of Bolero (sadly, I imagine such an event is unlikely to happen due to the high risk of hypothermia).

Anyway, enough of these flights of fantasy... in reality, Bikini Girls On Ice is a routine slasher the likes of which we have seen many times before, only this time around the helpless female victims are a bunch of hot college girls in sexy swim-wear hoping to raise some cash by holding a bikini car-wash. En route to the location of the event, their bus breaks down outside an abandoned gas station, home to a hulking, wheezing, sweaty, lank-haired maniac called Moe who puts his prey into freezers packed with ice (hence the title!).

Exactly who Moe is, why he does what he does, and how come no-one has ever called in the cops to investigate is never explained, and that's just a few of the reasons why this movie sucks, even with the ever present sight of curvaceous cuties jiggling their bits in front of the camera. Other reasons why this films bites: only one pair of bare breasts; virtually no gore; extremely dumb characters; a killer who is able to pop up wherever he likes—the list goes on...

What I fail to understand is how anyone can make such a dreary film from such a simple set-up. You got a drooling inbred psycho and half a dozen sexy girls wearing nothing but scraps of material (the sort of garments that can be removed with one easy tug)—how hard can it really be to turn that into a reasonably entertaining movie?

3.5 out of 10, very generously rounded up to 4 for all the pretty ladies.