It's Alive

It takes a lot for a movie to make me actually angry. And I don't just mean in a "holy crap, that was awful" kind of way. I mean for it to make me sit there with a face full of scowl for the whole thing. Yet It's Alive has accomplished that. To be fair, I should have known what I was getting into. There are very few homicidal baby movies that have ever been executed to even an acceptable degree.

There's really not much going on here. A girl takes a break from college to have a baby and weird stuff starts happening. Now this might be forgivable if...say...mommy and daddy had no clue what was going on. But mom knows damn well and seems totally cool with it. I understand most parents will forgive their children just about anything, but there's got to be a limit. So Bijou Phillips, who needs to pick a new, less ridiculous name, spend the whole movie ignoring the fact that her baby is evil incarnate and even enabling it from time to time. This (sort of) gets explained about 3/4 of the way through, but it's such an awful explanation and the movie so horrible that by that time you won't care.

There is nothing redeemable here. The acting is capable but still somehow annoying. The kill scenes are fun in an over the too kind of way, but there's not nearly enough of them to justify the rest of this trash. Ummm...they didn't kill any puppies? Is that something you can applaud a movie for? Seriously, I have trouble thinking of a single good thing to say about this film. I'm not going to whine about it being the worst movie ever, but I absolutely hated it it.

The premise of the movie is really out there. Of course it's supposed to be over the top and even the explanation you get somewhere in the movie, why this is all happening is so crazy, that you can't help yourself but laugh about it.

Having said that, the sole and main reason, you are going to watch this, is the "bloody mess" it delivers (no pun intended). And it delivers on that premise, so if you are splatter fan, than you can pretty much enjoy this. Not that much going on in the acting category and or the story department. Based on a Cohen movie (which I haven't seen), it's pretty much everything you can expect from it.

This rather dumb, I even daresay downright imbecilic, flick is a prototypic example of why people righteously hate horror movie remakes. And yet, I started watching it with a very open mindset and actually hoped for a pleasant surprise. Why? Because, for once, it's not just another redundant remake of a bona fide genre classic that totally doesn't need an update version. Like "Nightmare on Elm Street" or "Friday the 13th", for example. Why should they be remade? The original "It's Alive", on the other hand, was an extremely low-budgeted and often clumsily put together obscure cult gem from the early 1970's! That's an ideal film to bring to the attention of wider horror audiences through a remake. Unfortunately, it turned out a total failure of a film, with an insubstantial script, a total lack of tension and atmosphere and embarrassing gore/splatter effects. Bijou Philips gives birth to a baby 'only a mother could love'. The offspring immediately slaughters all the hospital staff in the delivery room and, since it's so exceptionally large and overdeveloped, it also regularly needs extra snacks like psychiatrists, bimbo blond friends and stoner boyfriends. Mommy carefully cleans up the mess junior makes (and doesn't even seem to worry that much) and daddy doesn't seem to have clue of what's going on. The monster baby is mainly kept off-screen, maybe for the best, and all the CGI butchering effects are pathetic. "It's Alive" couldn't even scare an infant. The cute Bijou Philips tries hard to make her character plausible, but the script is simply too idiotic. Larry Cohen, writer/director of the original as well as numerous other cult classics, co-wrote the script of this inferior remake, strangely enough. Perhaps he deliberately sabotaged the whole thing, hoping people would take the effort to check out the original again instead. Good job, Larry, it worked!

In this tedious and lifeless remake of Larry Cohen's 1974 campy horror classic pregnant Lenore delivers the baby.During the birth all the doctors and nurses in the operating room are viciously killed by the baby.It seems that her child is thirsty for human and animal blood.This "It's Alive" remake is downright silly and absurd.The film fails to generate even the smallest amount of tension.The killings are mediocre and the CGI effects are cheesy and unconvincing.However I enjoyed the performance of Bijou Philips,because her character has just enough depth to convey at least some of the conflicting emotions between a protective mother and someone frightened for their life.4 out of 10.Watch "Grace" or "Baby Blues" instead.

Ultrasound won't detect any acting talent in this abysmal re-telling of a film that wasn't very good to begin with. Larry Cohen's original 1974 schlock-fest had gallons of artificial blood, a campy story and one very bad looking baby puppet. This modernized version offers Bulgaria as an unconvincing stand-in for New Mexico, gallons of artificial blood and cheesy looking CGI effects. And does it have to take itself so serious? Strictly for those who consider enduring eighty-three minutes of labor pains any fun. Larry Cohen's movie spawned two sequels (1978, 1987). Whatever is in the works for this afterbirth - let's hope for abortion.