City Rats

I was intrigued by the opening to this film and the rooftop shots immediately set off a bout of involuntary, recoil muscle twitching (don't they put guard rails on the roofs of those buildings?). The sombre mood and beautifully lit scenes were drawing me in.

I had mixed feelings about the presence of Danny Dyer, who was excellent in Straightheads, but has made some terrible film choices at times. A comment from one of the most critical reviewers, saying, "Such a waste to see Danny Dyer go from the likes of The Business & Football Factory to films like this", is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

The appearance of the utterly wonderful Susan Lynch immediately bestowed all the credibility a film ever needs, and I thought she looked absolutely stunning here, albeit in a wonderfully seedy yet secretly vulnerable way.

It was the frustrated artist who I had problems with and felt the idea of his fleeting gay relationship unconvincing. The gay brothers (one of them autistic) was also a highly contrived scenario, seemingly included purely to satisfy the director's desire to film some gay club action. The thumping club music also obscured some of the dialogue that was necessary to understand exactly what was supposed to be taking place.

Mumbled or poorly recorded dialogue also left me not knowing how the nurse with Danny Dyer could possible have had a son by a man who she had never kissed and was in a coma (at least that's how it came across to me). It wasn't until the very end, when I was wondering how the characters came together, that I deduced that Danny Dyer was somehow related to the two brothers.

In conclusion, there was a lot wrong with this film but there was some good acting in spite of the dodgy plot and the film itself did actually look good. I refuse to give any film with Susan Lynch in it less that seven stars.

A Danny Dyer film, with the other guy, you know, Tanner Hassan, is that right, i'm not sure, but surely a cause for celebration following the exuberant Dead Man Running. But don't be fooled, this film has none of the mockney charm that these two ragamuffins can muster. I ain't no film critic so seeing a guy masterbating to his whore neighbour might not resonate with me as it might others, but I found the whole process somewhat redundant. Give me Malice In Wonderland, give me The Business, give me any other UK gangster film other than this bunch of pointless tripe. With all due respect to the Dyer and the Hassan-meister, this ain't your best work.

This was the worst, most pretentious load of absolute inane rubbish I have ever had the misfortune to watch.

Luckily, however I managed to get my £3's worth (that's what it cost in Tescos) by watching 'the making of City Rats' in the extras part of the DVD. This was hysterical. The horrible, misogynistic and clearly sexually perverted director is on the biggest ego trip of his life and has managed to drag everyone else on this production along with it like some pied piper of doom.

There are some great lines like 'I did some research - I'll miss playing Chris' (James Lance, the bloke with the bit part in Alan Partridge, on his thoroughly embarrassing portrayal of an autistic homosexual - Hoffman you are most certainly not).

'I read a lot of sh*t scripts - but they are made into a success by big Hollywood actors' - Hussan. True... but this script is the most sh*t one ever and it's only got you in it so that's even worse.

Danny Dyer said some really funny things too (in that sort of I'm trying to be a serious method actor kind of a way) and the guy out of that dull mid 90's Asian family on Eastenders definitely got the top w*nker award but I've forgotten what both of them said right now and I can't face watching it again so you'll have to check it out for yourself..

My favourite quote however is from the 1st AD (I think it was) who said... 'This is the part of the DVD you watch when you've watched the film so many times and you think there must be something else on here to watch.' I suggest he reads the first review of this film I ever read which says... 'I would rather f*st my own dead grandmother than watch this film again.'

What started as a thoroughly depressing waste of an hour and a half of my life turned into a hysterically funny evening (albeit helped by a half a bottle of Jack Daniels). Buy this DVD (but try and get it for less than the £3 I paid) and have a laugh at the expense of everyone's inflated and misplaced egotistical ramblings on the 'making of'. It just shows you what happens when a bunch of failed trustafarian film students in Notting Hill actually achieve what they have been threatening to do for the last 10 years once armed with daddy's cheque book.

Danny Dyer. On the cover. Holding a gun. Must be another cockney gangster film methinks, but I couldn't be more wrong. What we have here is a dull and depressing drama in which several scuzzy Londoners cross paths during their everyday lives. No hard geezers carrying sawn-offs. No bent rozzers taking a bung. No suited and booted chancers ducking and diving. Just a whole lot of suicide, sex, murder and drugs, with a masturbating artist, a crippled hooker, a drunken ex-con, a mother looking for her dead son, a self destructive man and woman, and a gay autistic deaf bloke looking to get laid with a little help from his brother. While all of this sounds like the recipe for a sleazy slice of fun, the drama is played out in a very measured (ie., boring) manner, and frequently enters pretentious art-house territory, meaning that most Dyer fans will think it's a load of old pony. I did.

Watch this movie right until the end. Weigh them altogether an I'm sure everyone did a pretty good job!

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