Transylmania

This is supposed to be a comedy, but they telegraph the "jokes" a mile off...

A group of college students are lured to a university in Transylvania, where they tangle with a cult of vampires, a sexy vampire hunter, a mad doctor (who happens to be a little person) who is trying to find a new body for his hunchback daughter.

We get a bunch of tired gags, monsters that aren't very scary, and characters (way too many of them) we just don't give a flip about. Was there a point here?

There are a lot of gratuitous nude scenes with a lot of the actresses. That's a plus. Not much of one, and maybe it was the excuse as to why the movie was made.

Transylmania can be considered the third movie in the National Lampoon's Dorm Daze series. Though it's loosely based off of them, it can be pretty much defined as a third sequel, and doesn't need much knowledge of the first two movies for this one to be seen. Seems like no one in this movie has any knowledge at all. I was lucky enough to speak to directors David and Scott Hillenbrand via the Transylmania fan-page on Facebook. As well as seeing exclusive interviews from the cast.

The movie seems like another goofy spin off of the neverending American Pie Presents franchise. Though this accomplishes more than any of those movies have. But when compared to the original three American Pies, it doesn't stand much of a chance. It attempts to be an 80s throwback, which it does feel like a little bit, but not a perfect one.

Rusty (Oren Skoog) has been dating an online overseas girl for a while and feels he needs to see her in person. When asked to fly over to Romania to get in touch. He feels that maybe he could get accepted to The Razvan University where she goes to school. They embark on a cross country journey to see her. The Razvan University has a bad history to it. A music box, when opened, posses your soul into a demon vampire. When open, the demon takes over your body. When ceased, or closed, your normal.

Little does the gang know, duplicates of themselves, usually with deeper voices, are being produced as well. So the gang must find the fake impersonators, and banish them. Sounds like an uncut episode of Scooby Doo.

Though the thing that caught me surprised me was that this is intended to be a spoof movie. And it's actually decent. This one doesn't have random pop culture references popping here and there and at random times. It doesn't have convoluted performances and bad acting. This didn't try to fit every God-forsaking blockbuster into their movie. I thought this might be the "new age" parody film that would start a revolution of the same kind of parody flicks in the style of The Naked Gun, and Airplane, or the absolute classic 70s and 80s style parodies we were waiting for for years.

We would finally cease from all the mindless crap Hollywood puts out. No more Jason Friedberg or Aaron Seltzer. No more brain dead first timers forcing us to laugh at corny one liners. The world will finally be at rest from the likes of pointless parodies. That is...until I saw the trailer for The 41-Year-Old Virgin who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It.

Not the worst thing I've seen, it has some good set design and the production quality is there. The color grading is fine but they did the cardinal sin of day-to-night, but it's fine. The dialogue and jokes are straight out of a bad American Pie or National Lampoon franchise. They definitely don't understand that less is more, but they're trying to rapid fire jokes so when twenty don't land, one just might. This could have been a fun 80s comedy horror throw back if it wasn't filled with awful 2000s jokes. I really enjoy late night comedies, I just feel this one falls flat, or in the case of nearly every joke in the movie, falls flatulent. 10/10 Perfect movie.

Funny, but something was missing in the movie. Sure, "Transylmania" was a funny movie, but there was just something missing from the movie, something that would have made it excellent. It is a good runner-up to the movie "Lesbian Vampire Killers", though not nearly as cool.

The story of "Transylmania" is alright and have moments that will have you laughing or smiling at least. What works best for the movie is the mistaken identity thing going on throughout the movie, that was what kept the movie afloat.

The cast was alright, and most did a good job with whatever means they had been given for their characters. The traditional stupid attempts of recreating a Transylvanian accent was in place - you just gotta love it when Hollywood movies do that stuff to try to make some accent.

One of the better things about the movie was the scenery and stages, they worked very well and had lots of details to them, which was quite nice.

Sure "Transylmania" is a comedy, but there are better and funnier comedies out there. But if you like spoof movies, you should check out this movie.

Transylmania (1:35, R) — Other: Comedy, 3rd string, original, OSIT chauvinists

When you're shooting for stupidly outrageous, it's really, really easy to slip off the tracks and end up as outrageously stupid. That's what happened to the parody Stan Helsing, for example. And that was a movie that featured at least a few actors that you'd heard of before and a character who was supposed to be a descendant of Dracula's Abraham Van Helsing. Transylmania features nobody you've ever heard of before, and one of its characters is a descendant of vampire hunter Victor Van Sloan, equally unknown to history prior to today.

Nonetheless, Transylmania works on its own terms. It follows 10 American college students, every one of them a flaming stereotype, as they arrive for a semester abroad in Romania, specifically Transylvania (where the movie was actually shot), explicitly at Razvan University, whose campus is in historic Castle Razvan, which 500 years ago was the home of famed vampire Count Radu. Rumor has it that the count is immortal, a hypothesis quickly confirmed as we find him roaming the corridors. Rusty, the student who opens the film as our narrator, is a dead ringer for the count, made more so when (by sheer coincidence) he dresses up for the freshman welcome ball in exactly the same outfit that Radu habitually wears.

Also among the American students are a couple of stoner lads who discover their blue jeans are a local gold mine; twin sisters, Lia the goody-goody and Danni the try-anything good- time gal; Newmar, the inept football player; Lynne, the nymphomaniac airhead cheerleader who has the hots for him; and Cliff, the oaf who figures the way to impress women is by claiming to be a vampire hunter. He uses this line on Prof. Teodora Van Sloan (the aforementioned descendant of Victor), and she takes him with the same deadly seriousness with which she approaches vampire hunting in general. With lips, vocal tone, and swordplay, she evokes Catherine Zeta-Jones in Zorro.* (In the only college class we actually see on screen, she demos self-defense techniques involving decapitation and a stake thru the heart. In response to a question she says "Vampires? Don't be silly. Now let's talk about what to do if someone jumps at you from out of a coffin." The rest of the movie is much like this.)

The mcguffin is a music box containing the soul of Radu's true love, the sorceress Stephanie, entrapped there by Victor. It was lost half a millennium ago but has recently been rediscovered. It falls into Lynne's hands. Every time she opens it, she's possessed by Stephanie; then, when it's closed, she reverts, wondering what happened.

There's much more. Dean Floca, the dwarf with a dungeon. His dotter Draguta, totally babeulicious chatting with Rusty via videocam but sporting a hideous hunchback in real life. Better than the Kama Sutra, the Codex Eroticon, which "can blow a chick's mind". The machine that keeps disembodied heads alive. The tall, gawky student who once kissed another guy while drunk and can't live it down. The horses with the odd reaction to the word "Razvan". Much of this is throwaway stuff, but a lot of it actually advances the plot.

Really, the story is way more complex that you'd ever expect for something played as broadly as this — and it's played VERY broadly — but it all hangs together. Not a millisecond of it can be taken even remotely seriously, of course, but the audience is all in on the joke, and the writers (Patrick Casey and Joshua "Worm" Miller) and directors (David and Scott Hillenbrand) make it work.

Objectively, this is a terrible movie. But subjectively, I got a real bang out of it. Of course, I happen to be partial to breasts the size of canteloupes, of which there's an abundance, and that helped. And I kept laffing out loud because I kept thinking "Wow, are they really trying to be THAT outrageous? Yeah, I guess they are."

So I give it a 5. This is higher than where I've pegged Fantastic Mr. Fox (3) and 2012 (4) and a coin-flip with that other vampire movie in town. Does that mean that I'd rather see Transylmania than those others? Yes. Yes, I would. Heaven help me, yes, I would. YMMV. No guarantees.

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*I don't recall that Catherine ever went in for the tight-black-leather look, but from now on I'm not going to be able to get that image out of my head.