Legend of the Bog

So, so bad. I'll be honest, I didn't watch the whole movie; I simply couldn't put myself through the whole thing. It was that bad.

The acting is horrendous. The dialogue is simple minded. The effects are definitely not of a 2009 film, even a low budget one.

The attempt at humor was insultingly bad. There was one scene where a brute bog monster made fur slippers out of 2 dogs. Why the dogs were tied up in the middle of the road is beyond my comprehension. Why a mindless monster cares about footwear is another puzzle to the logical mind.

Take my advice and do not watch this movie; you will only hate yourself if you do.

Let me start by saying "I love Vinnie Jones." That being said, this movie is not up to his regular standards. The bog histories, if they were true, were interesting. The concept of people from thousands of years ago being killed and buried in the bogs was interesting. Them reanimating just out of the blue and seeking out a specific kind of person, that's a little iffy. Also the fact that all of these people just happen to converge on this same cottage on the same day is just too much coincidence as is not having phone service when they were apparently only about three miles from a road. I did not like the little love connection they felt needed to be in the movie. It added nothing to the story. This is in no way a horror movie. It is more something that is based on a false lore that has been told for years. Seeing Vinnie Jones was it's only redeeming feature.

Sweet LORD this is without a shadow of a doubt one of the WORST films, let alone horror films I have ever seen, the cheapness of the budget shows more in the acting talent than anything else, with the exception of Vinnie Jones who puts in his usual performance as...well...Vinnie Jones. You would have thought he'd have developed some acting talent useful enough to broaden his range since LOCK STOCK but apparently not, he just grunts and mockneys his way through this heap like every other film unfortunate enough to be tainted by his embarrassingly unconvincing efforts at character realism. Also this film a lot of the time, especially for the first half doesn't appear to be sure to-be-sure whether or not it's a horror or an infomercial made for the travel and tourism board of Oireland, a lot of it seems to be jolly-begorrah panning shots of rural country or people going about their mundane business to the chirpy sound of Gaelic folk. The only saving grace to this joke is the on-the-floor-in-hysterics performance put in by whatever lunk they hired to play the bog man. He comes across like a supermarket trolley attendant lost in the woods on cheap speed, his facial expressions as he attempts to convey whatever the director told him to convey are priceless in their utter retardation, look out for a good bit at the end where the girl is squaring up to him, and for a minute he looks like he's building up to a really HUGE roar of fury, neck straining and everything, and then just suddenly looks confused, or constipated, a little embarrassed too. I'm totally in respect of the constraints in place once you've spunked most of your budget on hiring someone with some international kudos but no acting talent whatsoever to play one of your leads, but the least you can do is put SOME effort into redistributing the rest to good effect.

After watching this film, I had to ask someone else what genre it was supposed to be. It's really unclear. My gut reaction was horror, but the music, locations, and "creature" aren't scary. In fact, the music works to diffuse any tension that might have been accidentally created. This movie feels like the filmmakers meant for this to be a drama and at the last minute decided to play up some horror aspects since that genre is popular right now. Either way, Vinnie Jones doesn't deserve to be in this film, and with the exception of a few moments when the cinematography is pretty well done, this film doesn't lend itself to a single viewing. I believe the people at the helm of this one need more practice.

No...seriously...this is just plain boring. I have a fondness for watching Vinnie Jones in just about anything which seems to be both a blessing and a curse. He was great in Snatch, hilarious in Eurotrip, and awesome in Midnight Meat Train (despite having only one line in the whole movie...that's how cool he is). He may just be one of the most distinctly British actors in the history of cinema...when the dude's on screen you can't help but think "holy crap, that guy is British". But the blandness of Legend of The Bog is just plain inexcusable, Jones or not.

This movie doesn't really seem to know where it wants to go from the start. Is it a zombie movie? Kind of, but not really. There's people rising from the dead, but they're not zombies in the typical sense. There's pretty much nothing in the way of explanation. You're just meant to accept that 2,000 year old bog bodies are rising from their graves (or lack thereof) looking surprisingly alive and free from decomposition. Period. To be perfectly honest, this movie reminded me (often painfully) of that old episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 where they showed "Eegah". It's so similar in parts that it seriously makes me question the future of just about anyone appearing this movie. As I watched this movie I was fighting sleep from about 30 minutes in and briefly succumbed right near the end, nodding off momentarily. That's how boring it is...in a HORROR MOVIE, during the CLIMAX, when everything's supposed to go all to hell and be the most entertaining, I briefly nodded off. I didn't miss anything important, though at that point I wouldn't have cared if I had. Oh...and no violence? Seriously? All of the kills are done off screen which is just a huge party foul for a horror movie. Whatever...I think even writing this is giving this film more than it deserves. Skip it and watch something...anything...else.