The Raven

Just one thing.

I am German. And I feel ashamed by movies like this, by Lommel, by Boll, and all those other German directors, that recently entered Hollywood to produce the worst movies, that an human mind can ever imagine. This movie right here actually is even worse than anything I could imagine before.

So... Just understand: it's not our fault... Nobody in Germany knows these guys, nobody knows, where they are coming from and who pays them money to produce this. We like good movies, too, and yes, we hate these guys, too.

I honestly feel ashamed. As a German, I apologize for this. Thank you for your attention.

The Raven,

By Edgar Allan Poe, by way of Ulli Lommel

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Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

I, not thinking, brought back The Raven from the movie store.

While I watched, I wished for napping, to save me from this horrid crapping,

As Ulli Lommel's vicious trapping made me feel like his dirty whore.

'Tis god awful,' I muttered, 'this movie I abhor-

I wish I had rented something more.'

-----

Ah, distinctly I remember, this would have offended famous Edgar,

As he clawed the lid of his coffin, deep below the graveyard floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow; - nothing's brought me greater sorrow,

Had I just been somewhat stronger, I'd've thrown this out the door,

Perhaps shook it off and ascended to the store,

…But I stayed for Ulli's hellish tour.

-----

What this movie was about, I can't be certain,

It filled me with boredom - a boredom I'd never felt before.

An hour's time, the cast sat eating--and only talking, ain't that cheating?

With nary a reference to Mr. Poe, what was this movie made for?

If not to honor a genius, why suffer through this chore?

That it is, and nothing more.

-----

'Damn this movie's scent of farting! Damn it all!' I shrieked upstarting-

'This movie doth much offend me, I wish to hear me snore!

Does Ulli think my brain is broken, perhaps a boob who is soft-spoken,

As to not see in this 1800's sequence a very modern bedroom door?'

I pressed fast forward; the movie soared, thought of watching; held it more.

Qouth the Raven – 'I'm a bore.'

-----

And The Raven, so unfitting, please leave sitting, PLEASE leave sitting,

It can't bore you if it stays unseen, sitting in the movie store.

Late at night, it haunts my dreaming, I even sometimes wake up screaming,

And shake away haunts of Ulli's movie, filled with nothing but corny gore.

Nightly I pray o'er us all, my knees tucked 'neath me on the floor,

I pray to God that no luckless soul ever lift The Raven from the movie store.

Quoth the Raven – 'I'm a stain and nothing more.'

What can I say ? Anyone who believes that "Plan Nine From Outer Space" is the worst movie ever made REALLY NEEDS to see this stinkburger. The writing is the essence of stupidity, the acting is an embarrassment, the direction is non-existent, the cinematography, done on disc and never even transferred to film, is horrible.

This thing definitely has set an entirely new standard for how terrible a movie can be. As someone who has been an actor for 35 years, and has been a true lover of the medium of movies, and as someone who has seen ALL the bad ones, from "Plan Nine From Outer Space" to "The Undertaker and His Pals" to "Shining Through", I will tell you all that if you see this in a store or in a library STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM IT AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN !!!!! It's so bad that you shouldn't even read the cover !!!!

I have no clue why a movie of this quality was released to major video stores. It's supposedly based on the Poe story, though the main connection is the lead character is named Lenore.

But this is a glorified amateur movie. It's shot on digital video. The "actors" seem to be friends of the movie maker and the acting is the quality of porn acting, without the sex scenes to dull the pain. It's "arty", which can be described as random video shots with no context or meaning with generic music in the background.

Ed Wood made bad movies with intent, with passion. This is just utter tripe, made to make a cheap buck. Read the reviews of the director's other films and you'll see a pattern.

Avoid!

I watched this thinking it would be good. Im a huge Edgar Allan Poe fan. I sat back thinking it would be great. Such potential. Then it started. That is where the trouble began. The first 5 minutes make absolutely no sense. It's here, there and everywhere. Once the story starts, it has so little to do with the poem by Poe that its irritating. It was also very, very obviously done with the lowest possible budget imaginable. If you like good movies, pass. If you like B movies, pass. This is worse than a B movie. They don't actually show you much of any of the killings. You get the joy of seeing only shadows and being left to guess just what happened. When they do show you the dead bodies, you see blood, but strangely no wounds. The one good thing I will say on this movie is that at least they had the good sense to put trailers for some good movies on this DVD. Do yourself the favor of skipping this terribly made movie. You will be very, very glad you did.