The Raven

The cover looked cool. We were tricked into renting this, thinking it would be a Poe related film. IT IS NOT. It is beyond bad, not even funny bad. It is a home movie made by goth dilettantes. Our intelligence was insulted and our precious time and money were wasted. Why was this high-school level goofy video shot with dad's handy-cam ever released into the public? I don't want to rent a video made by this director and his goth friends ever again. Who puts make-up artists in lead roles?...Please just release films done by people who know what they're doing, please. I can't waste my money on these things, why is Blockbuster putting them on the shelves???

The Raven,

By Edgar Allan Poe, by way of Ulli Lommel

---------------------------------------

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

I, not thinking, brought back The Raven from the movie store.

While I watched, I wished for napping, to save me from this horrid crapping,

As Ulli Lommel's vicious trapping made me feel like his dirty whore.

'Tis god awful,' I muttered, 'this movie I abhor-

I wish I had rented something more.'

-----

Ah, distinctly I remember, this would have offended famous Edgar,

As he clawed the lid of his coffin, deep below the graveyard floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow; - nothing's brought me greater sorrow,

Had I just been somewhat stronger, I'd've thrown this out the door,

Perhaps shook it off and ascended to the store,

…But I stayed for Ulli's hellish tour.

-----

What this movie was about, I can't be certain,

It filled me with boredom - a boredom I'd never felt before.

An hour's time, the cast sat eating--and only talking, ain't that cheating?

With nary a reference to Mr. Poe, what was this movie made for?

If not to honor a genius, why suffer through this chore?

That it is, and nothing more.

-----

'Damn this movie's scent of farting! Damn it all!' I shrieked upstarting-

'This movie doth much offend me, I wish to hear me snore!

Does Ulli think my brain is broken, perhaps a boob who is soft-spoken,

As to not see in this 1800's sequence a very modern bedroom door?'

I pressed fast forward; the movie soared, thought of watching; held it more.

Qouth the Raven – 'I'm a bore.'

-----

And The Raven, so unfitting, please leave sitting, PLEASE leave sitting,

It can't bore you if it stays unseen, sitting in the movie store.

Late at night, it haunts my dreaming, I even sometimes wake up screaming,

And shake away haunts of Ulli's movie, filled with nothing but corny gore.

Nightly I pray o'er us all, my knees tucked 'neath me on the floor,

I pray to God that no luckless soul ever lift The Raven from the movie store.

Quoth the Raven – 'I'm a stain and nothing more.'

I have no clue why a movie of this quality was released to major video stores. It's supposedly based on the Poe story, though the main connection is the lead character is named Lenore.

But this is a glorified amateur movie. It's shot on digital video. The "actors" seem to be friends of the movie maker and the acting is the quality of porn acting, without the sex scenes to dull the pain. It's "arty", which can be described as random video shots with no context or meaning with generic music in the background.

Ed Wood made bad movies with intent, with passion. This is just utter tripe, made to make a cheap buck. Read the reviews of the director's other films and you'll see a pattern.

Avoid!

I wish i could give it a 0. I'm doing a project on Edgar Allan Poe so I though it might be a good idea to watch some movies relating to Poe so I went down to blockbuster to get this, and while waiting in line we read the description and we all knew it was going to be bad, but oh my god I couldn't imagine it would have been this terrible. The story doesn't even make any sense and there's all this random crap in it that doesn't have anything to do with anything. I've seen some bad movies (we actually try and find the shittiest looking movie we can find for fun) but this one easily has the lowest budget I've seen, it looks like they just used a regular video camera and couldn't afford real actors so they just had friends act in it. Afterwards my friend even said "God, I can't believe we didn't stop watching it" I even just made this account so I could comment on it.

Just one thing.

I am German. And I feel ashamed by movies like this, by Lommel, by Boll, and all those other German directors, that recently entered Hollywood to produce the worst movies, that an human mind can ever imagine. This movie right here actually is even worse than anything I could imagine before.

So... Just understand: it's not our fault... Nobody in Germany knows these guys, nobody knows, where they are coming from and who pays them money to produce this. We like good movies, too, and yes, we hate these guys, too.

I honestly feel ashamed. As a German, I apologize for this. Thank you for your attention.