Dark Storm : La Dernière Tempête

If this film was going to win an award it would surely be in "The Most Annoying Hairstyle in a Movie" category. An overweight Stephen Baldwin's hair certainly annoyed me from the very start of this film. Anyway, this movie is about some scientists who have discovered something code named "Eruptor", which is a device that supercharges Dark Matter and uses it to change the molecular structure of it's target, thereby eradicating it. Simples! Mr Baldwin sort of ambles through his role as the main man to save the world, helped by his trusted friend and his loyal wife. The special effects are decent and although it is all nonsense, it is worth a watch just to see Mr.Baldwin's hair.

eugh, this is not a very good film. There is simply nothing 'A'-grade about it; indeed even the 'A' that should have been on the back of Stephen Baldwin's 'R nge Rover' came out in sympathy, it seems.

Now I will own up to having watched some absolute stinkers in my time, and I've even derived some amusement from them; provided my expectations are set low enough ahead of time, any morsel of quality on offer is much appreciated.

But here, pickings are so thin that I found myself mulling over various inconsequential details, like why it is that the bad guy wears more lipstick than most of the female actors, why it is that some of the 'scientists' wear their obligatory white coats even when they are not at work, and why it is I kept thinking of 'Mr Potato Head' at intervals throughout the film.

Those steeped in this genre will doubtless be familiar with such equally whiffy titles as 'Stonehenge Apocalypse' in which various elements of this film are seemingly later recycled.

If you must watch this film, I suggest that you lower your expectations as much as you can manage, get your chums round with a few beers, and play a game where you drink some beer every time you see or hear some nonsense. Bring plenty of beer.

Remember folks, "it isn't so much a science, as a new way of life..."

It doesn't get much sillier than this for the serious sci-fi buff, but as low-expectation, old fashioned "Saturday afternoon matinée" diversion, it's entertaining enough.

A slightly overweight Stephen Baldwin, in a follow-up to an even sillier 2006 sci-fi opus, "Earth Storm" about using bombs to put a crumbling moon back together, invents a weapon using "dark matter" (apparently a more photogenic, controllable version of anti-matter) and generatable thunderstorms. Naturally, things go awry, foolish military men make stupid, ill-considered snap judgements causing even greater problems, traitors steal the weapon and (reaching the heights of "Marvel Comic silliness") Baldwin absorbs some of the "dark matter", making himself a self-generating (but only defensive for some reason - until the villain does it) weapon! The big screen Spiderman films made as much scientific sense (why can't screenwriters give us entertainment with stories JUST as exciting that gets the science right and doesn't insult our intelligence!?) but had more consistent characters and motivations.

If you can ignore the basically incredible weapon which is the McGuffin which gets the plot rolling, the piece is fun on its own terms - no worse than Disney's 1979 "Black Hole" (which famously made its title dark star a glowing whirlpool). The Disney had firmer scientific underpinnings but worse acting and special effects, so it's sort of a fair trade off.

The always engaging Rob LaBelle makes a fine scientific sidekick (who actually does most of the work - not to mention acting), and Gardiner Millar as the chief villain is solid - even when the special effects have him reenacting the last scenes of the first Indiana Jones film.

Undemanding fun, but keep your expectations low.

A movie starring a lesser Baldwin (Stephen, they're all 'lesser' to Alec since he's been around the longest) who spends the whole film looking vaguely pissed off, or as if he's trying to do mental arithmetic (like Joey, Matt LeBlanc, in Friends, was advised to do to show emotion), an expression that probably originates from his manful struggle to spout scientific gobbledegook like 'I've never seen so much dark matter in one place' as if it actually meant something.

He plays that disaster movie cliché, the one sensible person in the possibly (inevitably) catastrophic scenario battling whatever constitutes the powers that be (the mayor/the government/the corporation/the other scientists), questioning their refusal to act in the face of this certain calamity, usually for reasons of the bottom line, insisting that the town/beach/world be evacuated while there's still time (time is always of the essence) because there's going to be a tidal wave/earthquake/tornado/shark attack/solar flare/alien invasion (delete as appropriate).

He will probably be the one to deliver possibly the most used line in any horror/thriller/scifi movie: 'Let's get the hell outta here!' as if anyone would contemplate staying put while the sky falls in.

To top it all, he's absorbed some 'dark matter' himself, as you do, been electrocuted then struck by lightning. No wonder he looks a little peeved.

The plot is nonsensical but the film's a trip. See the image on the front of the box - that's the expression Stephen Baldwin wears throughout. Perplexed. Or maybe that's just his 'intelligent scientist' face.

I had to stay up with my young son last night and thought Dark Storm looked vaguely interesting compared to the other pap on offer.

No.

It was the aura of car crash TV that kept me watching. A fat Stephen Baldwin acting worse than my armchair does. My word, I've never seen anyone so bad in a film.

His scientist sidekick and the villain at least were professional and I could believe they were actors, but Mr. Baldwin gave the standout worst "acting performance" I have ever had the misfortune of sitting in front of. Whatever you do, do not waste an hour or two of your precious life on this utter shower of *&^%. Spend the time more fruitfully in staring at a blank wall, or cutting your toenails.